McBain A.K.A Waistband Walken's Crazy Coup

So, I’ve been promising it for a while but not delivering on those promises. Sorry about that. But if all those episodes of Star Trek taught me anything it’s that forgiveness is close to godliness. I think that’s how it goes. It doesn't matter because McBain. I've got to tell you; this film makes sense for about 7 minutes and after that it’s just unfiltered crazy. You’ll kind of get the story and recognise the usual tropes inherent in commando movies like this but it takes you on what should be a straightforward journey via a chasm of screaming skulls and bad editing. I’m perhaps being melodramatic. Essentially, it's dogshit and the soundtrack gave me diabetes but I promised to do this so lets get started...

This movie starts in 1973 and the Vietnam war has come to an end. A load of tanks and shit are making their way through the jungle to find marines that are stationed there. This Colonel dude is making his way towards an encampment and he walks into this hut where we meet some of the film's main protagonists. There's Santos, who ends up being the driving force of this film's plot, Eastland (played by the late Steve James), Frank Bruce (played by Michael Ironside) who's a genuinely confusing character as he's a borderline psychotic and definite shit-head, Gil (played by Thom G Waites who you'll recognise from John Carpenter's 'The Thing') and Dalton who seems to be an all round nice guy. Plus he's a doctor. So, this Colonel guy is in their encampment and he starts giving these guys a load of shit because he walked right in on them while they're all reading and just hanging out and he didn't encounter any kind of perimeter security or anything. It's difficult to understand why he's giving them this amount of shit because he's come to tell them that the war is over but that's his job, I guess. So, after he tells them that the war is over, they all get on board this helicopter and start to make their way out of the jungle. It's worth noting that, at this point, it's literally just some of the main protagonists. McBain is nowhere to be fucking seen, here. While the marines are making their way out of Vietnam, they're shot at by this V.C soldier and they spot all these bamboo cages and shit which they decide to take a look at.

Down below at the V.C camp, we finally meet McBain plus some other G.I's and they're being led into these bamboo cages by what looks like a fat, Vietnamese Rambo and a tonne of V.C soldiers. Walken has sensible hair in this scene so you know he hasn't quite lost his shit just yet but that'll change later on. While this is going on, all of our guys from before are doing some recon and working out which is the best way to kill these ass-holes and set these other G.I's free. McBain is put inside a bamboo cage along with Fat Rambo and they start to fight. McBain is having his ass handed to him to begin with but then our guys from before start to attack the camp. There's this V.C General who's also inside the bamboo cage and he throws a knife into the ground so that Fat Rambo can stab McBain to pieces but when an explosion distracts him, McBain gets the drop on Fat Rambo and throws the knife into the V.C General's chest. The helicopter from before makes an over-head pass and starts firing fuck into the V.C camp which is pretty irresponsible considering that they've got well over fifteen friendly troops on the ground and this pilot hasn't done a single bit of recon to know that he's shooting at the right dudes. Asshole. Still, his blood lust seems to be do the trick and all the V.C troops are taken out. McBain starts to exit the bamboo cage when Fat Rambo gets up, takes the knife out of his commanding officer's chest and makes a lunge for McBain. Santos spots this shit from a mile off, tells McBain to get down and caps that Stallone looking mother fucker. McBain tells Santos that he owes him one so Santos tears a $100 bill in half and tells him that if the other half of this bill finds him, he can repay the favour. I'm not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. There's no significance in it being a $100 bill. It could have been a $1 or $5 bill because that seems more affordable but $100? Guy's too rich to be fighting in 'Nam.

Stand this guy next to Richard Crenna and 9 out of 10 times, he won't notice it's not Stallone

Cut to 18 years later and we're in Columbia. Santos and some armed guys are walking into a village. No one seems to give a shit that there are a bunch of armed guys strolling through their village so I'm led to believe from this that they're probably friendly. Santos makes his way into one of the huts in the village and is greeted by a woman, Christina, his sister. Santos and Christina have a strange relationship if you ask me and you'd be forgiven for thinking that they're going out but they're not. They're honestly brother and sister. I don't have a sister so I don't know what would be classed as inappropriate but to me, this is pretty fucked up. They don't kiss or anything but as far as I'm concerned, face touching is a prelude to sexy time. Anyway, Santos tells Christina that he's going to go ahead with something massively important. He doesn't say what, though. This is a major problem with this fucking movie; character's explain what they're doing in riddles. The only clue I had that Santos was a revolutionary (before all the revolution happens in a short while - that shit is a DEAD giveaway) is that he's wearing a beret. Oh and you can tell he's supposed to be older now because he's wearing glasses, as well. He tells Christina that if this operation goes to shit, she should get in touch with a guy called Bobby McBain who lives in New York and works in construction. He gives her the other half of the $100 bill, the name of his company and the telephone number for his union which seems like a lot of details to have on someone you haven't spoken to in 18 years. I mean, people change jobs all the time and I doubt Santos has access to a phone in this shit hole village so how has he kept abreast of what McBain is up to? Anyway, Santos tools up and leaves the village on his way somewhere (at this point, you literally have no idea what he's doing because there's been no expository dialogue or anything) while all the kids in the village cheer him and his men on. You can tell they're good guys because the kids love them.

Next, we're in Bogota (I only know this because later on, you have to glance at a T.V screen to find out where the fuck it is which is annoying because this film has been pretty keen with it's hard coded location subtitles, so far) and a big-ass limo pulls up outside what looks like an embassy but is in fact, El Presidente's house palace. A guard at the gate stops the car and asks the driver what he wants. The driver tells him that he has whores in the back for El Presidente and he should be let through. The guard gives him a knowing little nod and a cheeky smile and lets him through with his slutty cargo. Once inside, another guard stops the car and asks what's going on. The driver informs him of the sexy transaction that's about to take place and he lets them in but OH SHIT the driver isn't really a limo driver. He's one of Santos' men and so are the whores! They cap this guard so that Santos and some other guys can get out of the trunk of the car and they all make their way into the building. It's pretty clear what's happening now...except it isn't. There are no subtitles in this scene and your only clue to where they are is the word 'El Presidente' and all the Carry-On nods and smiles concerning the sexy chicks.

'Hi, ladies. Can I see some I.D? Ha-ha, only joking. Just show me your tits'

Inside the building, El Presidente is filming a speech to the Columbian people and you just instinctively know that this guy is a fucking douche box. Meanwhile, Santos and his guys are making steady progress through the house. They come across this hatch in the ceiling which has a set of ladders leading up to it. One of the whores from before who still hasn't changed out of her heels climbs up the ladder and opens the hatch and is greeted by the sight of El Presidente's crotch. She starts unzipping his fly and puts a knife to his balls. El Presidente gets a look on his face like he's used to filming important statements to his people whilst being blown when all of a sudden, Santos and some of his guys burst into the room where the filming is going on and take over the recording. Santos makes a public plea for the U.S to get involved or else he's pretty much fucked. Immediately after this, in the next scene, we see a car carrying some government looking types to this harbour where they board a speedboat and make their way to this little lakeside cabin which I think is supposed to be Camp David or something. There's an old looking guy doing some fishing in this river when he sees the speedboat coming into view and he doesn't look happy that these government men are fucking up his chances of catching some bitching bass.

Inside the cabin, we learn that the old guy who was doing some fishing is the President of the U.S and he's being told about what's happening in Colombia. His advisors are telling him that Santos has acted without any kind of word from the U.S so they don't know why the fuck he's thinking they're going to come and help out. Santos seems like a fairly straight-up dude so I guess he's wondering why they wouldn't come and help. But if we're going to learn anything from this movie, it's that unless it's called 'McBain', it's not coming to help you. Some of the President's advisors seem to think that a rogue CIA agent probably told Santos that he would be guaranteed help but this seems like a really shitty joke, to me; 'Yeah, sure we'll help with your coup. I've got a buddy who can totally help you out with that'. So, the President is told that the U.S can't help because they'll be too busy preparing graphs which seems like bureaucracy gone mad if you ask me. Just send some dudes to help out and chill that situation out. Man, this President is a dick. So, back in Colombia, everything is going to hell. Santos is panicking, no one's coming to help and the army are starting to take Colombian citizens off the street and force them between these tanks where they'll be crushed. Santos can't bear to see this happen so he hands his gun over to El Presidente who promptly shoots Santos in the head on live TV for daring to be a decent guy and not getting blown whenever he's making public addresses.

'Son, this is the expression you'll wear at some point in your life, for a wide variety of reasons. Most of them will involve your penis'

Back in the States, the President is watching events unfold on the news, as is McBain but they're not in the same place or anything. McBain's in this shitty looking cafeteria and the President is still at Camp David. You can't blame McBain for watching this happen because he doesn't know a damn thing about what's going on but the President can't be excused for this shit. He's literally watching Santos get his brains blown out on television while sipping tea. Interestingly, you never see the President again. I guess this is none too subtle hint that you can't trust your government to not sit back and drink tea when you're about to get your head blown off. It's a problem we face all the time. I can totally get behind that. Anyway, McBain recognises Santos getting his brain relocated and starts thumbing through his wallet and finds his half of the $100 bill but it takes him a while to find it which is kind of embarrassing. Back in Colombia, Christina is being given some cash and some other shit by the villagers and sent on her way to the U.S on the back of a donkey. I don't think she goes the whole way on the donkey or anything. She probably catches a plane at some stage because that's a long journey for a donkey. It's not clear whether the donkey goes with her to the States or not. I got kind of concerned because it's a nice donkey. Anyway, she manages to find McBain and presents him with the other half of the bill. McBain tells her that he's been expecting her and they go for a drink at the shitty cafe where McBain tells her a story about the time that he went to Woodstock. This whole section is a little confusing to me. It seems like Christina is telling McBain a very heartfelt story about her brother and the situation in Colombia and McBain can only think to tell her a story about the kick ass time he had at Woodstock. There's probably some historical reference I'm missing here but fuck learning. I don't watch a commando movie to fucking learn. And oh yeah, McBain now has the crazy Walken hair we're all used to seeing. Whether this is a trick to show us that time has passed or not, I don't know. I think the subtitle saying '18 years later' was plenty of notice. So, McBain says that the poultry sum that Christina assembled in the village is bullshit and quite clearly not enough to stage a violent take down in Colombia so he starts to make some phone calls.

The next scene is where we get to catch up with Gil, Eastland and Dalton. Gil is a police officer, Dalton is a surgeon and Eastland is working as a security guard for the head of this shitty corporation that looks like it's exploiting people. Each one of them is shown displaying their intrinsic strengths as characters with Gil mourning the loss of his partner, Dalton frantically trying to save a dying man's life and Eastland letting someone punch fuck into this guy he's supposed to be protecting. Again, it's none too subtle with its messages. I don't know who McBain is calling, by the way. It's obviously these guys but not one of them is near a phone when he's making these calls. The only one who can be contacted at all is Eastland, who has a pager. I guess this makes sense in a way because by the next scene, it's only McBain, Eastland and Christina who have met up to visit Frank Bruce but fuck this movie. I'm not going to let it out-logic me. So, anyway they meet up with Bruce who's now bizarrely wealthy but the film never explains how. He's got fancy looking art hanging up on the walls and a woman swimming in an indoor pool. McBain even mentions that Bruce has four Ferrari's but still calls him out when Bruce doesn't seem interested in joining McBain and his guys in avenging Santos. McBain berates him for being a wet bitch before they leave. Bruce offers McBain some cut price offers on plane transportation to Colombia, though but this seems shitty when you consider that they were all supposed to be friends.

That's not a regular height that someone's waistband should be. Seriously, almost two thirds of his body is trouser.

McBain and Christina have another heart to heart and McBain reassures her that they'll come to Colombia and kill this piece of shit President. McBain tells her to go back to Colombia while he rustles up some cash. McBain goes back to his house where Gil, Eastland and Dalton have stayed the night. They all agree that their defining purposes in life now is to kill the shit out of this El Presidente joker and they agree on a strategy to come up with the cash considering Bruce is being such an asshole about it all. The next scene is this pretty cool take down of this slum building which is being used to sell drugs. McBain and his guys fancy some of the action that's going on in the building so they bust in and start taking out some of the lower level guards while up above, their leader, played by Luiz Guzman, is counting money and sorting out levels of drugs and all that shit. McBain and his boys burst in and immediately shoot this one guy through a window which looks fucking sick, I won't lie. This movie has really schizophrenic levels of violence ranging from sub-standard action fare violence that we're all used to seeing in these types of pictures to really over-the-top, exploding squibs and guys getting pulled out of buildings on wires to simulate the power of a shot gun blast. All the time this is going on, Walken's waistband is getting higher and higher. I think it feeds off the carnage. So, McBain and his guys pull guns on Luiz Guzman who doesn't give a fuck. He knows this game like the back of his hand. Gil makes some comment about the drug guys that they've already wasted and how they sell drugs to kids and they're all pieces of shit. Guzman responds by saying that these guys wouldn't be able to work for minimum wage and that he pays them $200 a day. He also says that they don't sell drugs to kids, just tourists from New Jersey. Basically, Guzman makes a pretty good case for being a drug dealer and the whole scene becomes a bit embarrassing. I don't think this was intentional but that's how it comes across. Guzman goes onto say that the real money is in the hands of the mob and they should go and visit them. McBain steals a hat and sunglasses off this one drug guy that they've killed, asks Guzman this really strange question about his shirt and then leaves. Seriously, he asks him about his shirt.

In the next scene, it's night time and three well dressed guys are walking out of a restaurant and discussing shit loudly and waiting for an attendant to bring round their car. The next thing we see is this garbage truck smashing into their car and McBain and his guys knock two of the suits out and hi-jack the other other. Next thing you know, McBain and his buddies have tied this guy to a chair and then tied the chair to this winch and they're dangling him over the edge of a building. Things get weirder when McBain, now in his stolen hat and sunglasses, adopts this accent which I can't make out where the fuck it's supposed to be from and starts telling this mob boss that it's collection time and he wants $10 million transferred to a Swiss bank account. This entire scene is fucking stupid for a number of reasons; firstly, Chris Walken has three defining characteristics which make him scary. These are, in order, his voice, his hair and his eyes but he goes and fucking covers each one of them up throughout this entire scene. Secondly, after he's concluded his meeting with the mob boss and he tells him to deposit $10 million in a Swiss bank account, McBain and his buddies just up and fucking leave this guy hanging from a winch above the city. No one knows this guy's hanging there. His men don't know he's there, his wife doesn't know he's there. Literally no one knows that this guy is hanging from a winch above New York City. I was under the impression that time is of paramount importance to this operation being successful so you'd think it would be prudent to, say, let the guy down so he can call his bank and have the money transferred. Thirdly, no one else in the gang is bothering with a disguise. Just McBain. Gil has some sunglasses on but I think they were just part of his outfit from the start of the day and I guess now that McBain is wearing sunglasses, Gil doesn't have to feel like such a prick wearing them on an overcast day. The whole thing is dumb as shit.

I'll commend Gil for not going 'double-denim' on us here. That's a tough look to pull off

Loaded up with their drug money (you'd hope), McBain and the gang now need to arrange themselves some transport so they opt to steal one of this Mob guys' planes which ships drugs to the U.S. Meanwhile, in Colombia, Christina is explaining to a load of freedom fighters that they need to clear an airstrip that the Colombian army are guarding or else McBain and the dudes won't be able to land. This airstrip is also the site of a drugs factory which a dude called Escobar owns. Jump back to New York (seriously, this shit's all over the place) and Bruce has met up with McBain again. I don't know why he's there, in all honesty. The last we saw of this guy, he was arranging some flight into Colombia for McBain but that was it. He made his intentions pretty clear and to all intents and purposes, Bruce was no longer part of the equation. I don't know. He's an asshole. This movie is an asshole. Still, Bruce explains that he's got this computer software that can tap into spy satellites and then he asks McBain if he can come along. There's no concession made to soul searching or anything, he literally just asks if he can come. He doesn't make any grand statements about avenging Santos or even liberating Colombia from an oppressive asshole regime, he just wants to come along. This signifies the one and only time in Michael Ironside's cinematic history that his borderline psychosis and rampant blood lust is implied rather than explicitly demonstrated. McBain and the bunch board their plane and set off for Colombia.

We take a quick trip to Colombia where Christina and her fighters are beginning their raid on the air strip so that McBain and co. can land. There's some pretty visceral combat footage which once again proves that if this film were a child, the little bastard would be on enough Ritalin to kill an Ox. On board the stolen mob plane, everything seems to be going ok until some pilots from the Colombian Air Force spot their plane. Bruce radios a pilot friend of his who's escorting their weapons into Colombia and asks them him to come and help out with these three Colombian fighters. Bruce tells McBain that this pilot is the son of a guy who died in Vietnam so he's prepared to break international law and potentially start a war for the right price. So, one of the Colombian pilots flies up alongside McBain's plane and orders them to set down. There then follows a bizarre series of events which kicks off with McBain himself shooting one of the pilots of the fighter jets with a pistol. Through two cockpit windows. At an unspecified altitude. Lets just say their altitude is 'really fucking high up'. It's crazy. Next up, Bruce's pilot friend engages the remaining two Colombian fighters and a bit of a dog-fight ensues. The Colombian pilots fire missiles at our American guy and he has to try and fuck them by flying as high as he can so that the missiles burn out.
This dogfight is pretty good and it momentarily distracts you from this laden piece of shit movie but the harmony is disrupted when it becomes apparent that the the American pilot sounds like he's getting head inside the cockpit. Seriously, listen out for it. It's really uncomfortable. With his balls emptied, our American pilot fires on the remaining Colombian fighters and destroys them.

EXECUTIVE

RELIEF

ON

Now that the aerial combat has finished, McBain orders this American pilot to go and help out Christina and her band of freedom fighters who, to be fair, are having a hard time. There's this one guy who runs up to a tank, puts a grenade down the barrel of its cannon and leaves his hand stuck in there. This is possibly to stop the tank from firing the grenade back out but this really isn't how science works. Shame no one told this little guy about that. With all the guys down below taken out, it's safe for McBain and everyone else to land. Some of the Colombian army guys are still alive and their General or whatever runs away like a cowardly piece of shit to inform El Presidente that there's some bad mother fuckers coming his way. With the group re-assembled, they start to put their plan into operation and make their way to Bogota to kick some ass. The American pilot asks if he can stick around and help out so McBain lets him. They'll probably need a throwaway character to sacrifice later on, anyway.

After a brief, superficial interlude with the U.S President telling the press that America hasn't sent troops into Colombia, we return to El Presidente's office where he's beating the shit out of the General from before who ran away. He's got him tied to a ceiling fan in his office and he's smacking him with a baseball bat which seems a bit brutal, all things considered. El Presidente is interrupted by one of his men who tells him that Escobar is here to see him. Escobar is weird. I can't work out if he's supposed to be South African or what. He has slicked back hair and he's got the air of Bond villain about him but he's not massively important and quite frankly he's turned up too late in this movie for me to give a fuck about him so I won't spend too much time on this prick. He throws this General out of the window and sits down to a drink with El Presidente. In fact, there's two guys who come in and I can't work out which one is Escobar. Fuck it, I don't care, Basically, he threatens El Presidente because he's making a dick out of himself about the Americans and he's threatening to take over their embassy. Escobar doesn't want this to happen because drugs or something. I'm passed giving a shit about this sub-plot.

You've got literally nothing to look this smug about, asshole. Who even are you?!

In the next scene, Blond Escobar is attacking Christina's village for some reason.They fire some rockets and blow some stuff up and then leave. I really don't know why he does this. Anyway, McBain and some of his boys (there's been no mention of them splitting up or anything) show up to help out and Dalton saves a little girl's life. Dalton asks to stay behind and McBain tells him that he can hook up with Christina and Eastland somewhere else (thanks for letting me know, movie). So, Eastland, Christina and Dalton are outside this TV station and they're planning on hi-jacking the airwaves to send out the message to the Colombian people that El Presidente is a dick and they can all rise up and over-throw him. I was getting pissed at this point because Steve James rears up to karate kick the door down to the TV station but Christina stops him. I haven't seen a massive amount of Steve James movies and this will be rectified forthwith but all I've seen the guy in is this and 'I'm Gonna Git You Sucka' and in both films, I've never even seen this guy throw a fucking punch. Ok, so something good has come out of 'McBain'; it's put me on a righteous path to seek out more Steve James. Anyway, back in the movie and Christina has managed to hi-jack the TV station and she's making the impassioned speech I thought she might have done rather than break in so that she can meet some Colombian TV personalities. Her speech is seen by a shit load of people in Colombia and America and it's pretty inspiring to everyone. Elsewhere, McBain, Gil and our Pilot guy from before have broken into this truck depot which houses oil tankers. They steal one and attach detonators to it so they can drive it through the gates of El Presidente's palace. By the time they get there, the military are waiting for them and they blow out one of the tyres on the truck forcing our pilot guy to keep hold of the wheel. It's curtains for Pilot Guy but McBain makes a jump for it and gets out of the truck before it explodes. I don't know where Gil is but he gets out as well. I'm not sure whether he was in the passenger footwell or hanging onto the back of the tanker but he's ok by the time it explodes. With the gates down, McBain and his revolutionaries can storm the palace. The courtyard fire fight is pretty cool and in keeping with the action set pieces in this film but McBain stands with his legs a little bit too far apart at one moment and it kind of ruins the feel.

He kind of leans back, as well which accentuates the waistband. Oh and his dick. Totally his dick

Back in the U.S, the President is giving a speech about how he's changing the currency of the United States into this red, white and blue shit so that the drug dealers can't get a good exchange rate on their existing dollars, or something. I don't know. This really seems like a bizarre safe-guard policy. I half expected this to be some sort of ruse or a dream sequence but I honestly believe it's a serious plot point. Anyway, both blonde and brunette Escobar are unphased by this because they changed their money into Swiss Franc's so they couldn't give a fuck but they get stopped trying to leave the country by some of Christina's rebels. Back at the palace, McBain and his men are making their way towards El Presidente. McBain doesn't want to go through the main door to El Presidente's room, so he opts to stand on a table and go through this little air vent instead. El Presidente is readying himself for the inevitable shit fest he's got coming to him when all of a sudden, McBain has shaken things up and breaks through the ceiling to El Presidente's room and guns him down. This bothered me for a reason I can't quite explain. I know the movie is trying to show me that McBain is cunning dude and that the element of surprise is on his side but he comes through the celing in almost exactly the same place that the air vent is anyway so it doesn't make sense. It's amazing how much subtle set up is needed in a movie to make it all flow in a way that your brain is subconsciously following. It isn't until you see an uncoordinated piece of shit like this that you realise that. Anyway, McBain stands on the balcony overlooking the courtyard as Christina and the others show up. Everyone's happy, Colombia is free of an oppressive tyrant, Walken's waistband is still uncomfortably high.

So yeah, this film is pretty much a piece of shit and that's my honest appraisal. The first third of this movie is boring as fuck and I had a hard time writing about the rest of it because it was essentially joyless. I don't know why Walken agreed to be in this turd. Ironside, I get. He's a decent actor and everything but you're used to seeing him in pieces of shit like this. Not Walken, though. He's usually in more classy joints. It's difficult to work out what this movie is trying to say; on the one hand it's a none too subtle allegory for ineffectual U.S foreign policy and this stands head and shoulders above any other message it's trying get to get across but on the other, it seems to drop its heavy political message round about 30 minutes in. On paper, the movie is an interesting culmination of ideas; war veterans who are bonded by their experiences, come together to avenge the unjust death of one of their colleagues and overthrow a corrupt South American dictatorship but it never really sticks with one particular train of thought. Perhaps if it had at least partially focused on how war can change a man beyond the point of no return then it may have been a more laudable effort. That and not try and convince me that the U.S Government would make multi-coloured money out of unicorn dreams or whatever it is that they were going to do.

So, yeah sorry it took so long. I promise you won't have to wait as long for the next review.

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Rush - Mini Review

Admittedly, this review is a bit out of the ordinary but fuck you, this is my time to shine, not yours. I'm a motorsport fan. More specifically, I'm a Formula 1 fan and Ron Howard's latest movie is a look at two of the sport's more outspoken characters and their rivalry during the 1976 world championship. I went to see this movie last night and obviously felt moved enough to write a short piece about it despite it being in stark contrast to the material I would usually review.

I want to start off by saying that Rush is a good movie. It's a beautifully crafted gem of a film. Period pieces must be a complete pain in the ass to get right and there's always some dick end out there who'll spot something like a number plate which shouldn't have existed at the time (to be fair, this kind of thing really gets on my tits, too. If you have millions of dollars at your disposal, the least you can do is employ someone who knows their shit) but this has a damn good stab at recreating the world during the 1970's.

I don't want to give any plot points away and anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the sport will know how this ends but for all the film's good points (and there are many, of which we'll talk about later), I first wanted to speak to you about the points which left the film feeling like a bit of a hollow experience. Both the acting and the 'action' set pieces are excellent and wonderfully executed but it's the script and certain moments of character development which make this feel, for an instant, like a melodramatic piece of shit.

Quick history lesson for the uninitiated; Hunt and Lauda were friends off track. Pretty good friends, in fact (they shared a flat together for a short period of time) but their rivalry came to the fore on track. Lauda was a straight talking dude with a singular purpose to win but he wasn't an emotional wasteland. Hunt was, by all accounts, a bit of an irresponsible asshole but he too possessed a singular need to win. The film actually goes to great lengths to show you just how much of an asshole Hunt could be by showing you his reckless abandon on track and his fleeting relationships with a stream of chicks but then tries to cram in some weak characterisation a little later into the film by having him look at himself in a mirror while he's banging an air hostess in an airplane bathroom, like he's a tortured detective or some shit. This scene happens after he finds out that his wife is banging Richard Burton and, to be frank, the real Hunt didn't want to be married to this chick anymore anyway and actually sold her to Burton on the condition that if Burton didn't pay up, Hunt wouldn't sign any divorce papers. To me, that's a much more compelling protagonist plus it's a true account and wouldn't come off as hackneyed. How much more 'rounded' a character can you need than someone who actually fucking existed? Lauda, similarly, is portrayed as a bit of a humourless and impotent asshole who struggles to acknowledge anything emotionally. His detective archetype scene comes a little later into the film as well, as he stares into the distance while on his honeymoon, contemplating his new found happiness and how his contentment is 'the enemy'. Just to hammer this point home, it's night time but it's not raining which is a shame. If you're going for the 'troubled genius' motif, you might as well go the whole hog.

Conversely, the Hunt/Lauda relationship is portrayed as pure rivalry. There's no friendliness or warmth to their relationship as there was in real life and the 'they were bitter enemies until they learnt to be friends' card is played well and truly in this movie. In fact, I think Ron Howard is actually trying to shove this card up your ass just so he knows you've been paying attention. It's these points which made me feel like this film could have done without trying to conform to the 'sporting drama' mold. Save that shit for Rocky or something. 

So, the good shit;

The acting is great no matter how occasionally loaded and melodramatic the script can be, with a particularly noteworthy performance from Daniel Bruehl as Niki Lauda. Chris Hemsworth looks like he's having a great time being super buff and fucking awesome and his performance benefits from this but it's Bruehl who'll win the Oscar should it ever come down to that (to be honest, if he isn't given a nod by the Oscar board, I'll shit a clown, I swear to God).

As far as the superficial flourishes go, the effects are pretty damn good as they're mostly practical. The cars look sick as tits and the CG, when employed, is pretty convincing. During the racing sequences, there are these semi-stylised shots of the internal workings of the cars which look spectacular and the roar of their engines made me feel curiously sexualised (it usually does during race weekend, too). The film contains some truly disturbing practical effects scenes which highlight the brutality of the sport during the 70's. A highlight of the film's practical effects and indeed a highlight of Daniel Bruehl's kick ass performance is Lauda's recovery scene after his near fatal crash at the Nurburgring in Germany. It'll turn your fucking stomach but it's just so incredibly shot and acted. Man, I'm welling up now just thinking about it. As far as the film's soundtrack goes, it's pretty forgettable but it fits the movie and helps with the emotional gravitas of certain scenes. I think Hans Zimmer gets way too much credit, now. His Batman scores were probably the only thing I truly liked about Nolan's Batman movies but this sounds like something he pretty much tossed off while on a lunch break.

So, to summarise;

It's a fucking kick ass movie with great performances, great effects and some smart direction but I guess my main problem lies with how Hollywood! this movie feels it has to be. I suppose the argument could be that if a truer account were made into a movie, would it be as interesting or as compelling a drama as this? The sad fact of the matter is that no, it probably wouldn't and would only appeal to that niche market that Formula 1 similarly appealed to in the mid seventies. The irony here is that in 1976, it took the Hunt/Lauda rivalry to finally bring Formula 1 to the attention of the larger world. A micro-cosmic adventure, then, through time and space? Damn, this shit's cleverer than I thought.

Enter The Dragon

In our final Jim Kelly review (for the time being, anyway. I plan on looking at Three the Hard Way somewhere down the line), we’re going to be talking about Enter the Dragon. Jim Kelly isn’t the star of this movie. It’s Bruce Lee and it was his break-out role in the first Kung Fu flick financed by Hollywood. Pretty cool stuff. While this is clearly a Bruce Lee vehicle, Kelly near as dammit steals the show with his own unique charisma, as a character called Williams. Williams is very similar to a lot of the roles Jim Kelly would go on to take in his short acting career and in looking back on Enter the Dragon, it’s hard to comprehend the fact that Kelly’s character doesn’t make it all the way to the end of this picture. The story goes that John Saxon’s agent threw a bitch fit and had the screenwriter’s cook up a whole new ending where Saxon's character gets to live but Kelly's doesn’t. Pretty bum deal if you ask me but in a way, this kick started the whole Jim Kelly phenomena as audiences wanted to see more of this unmitigated bad-ass in a movie where he doesn’t get killed like he’s just some sort of punk bitch. As usual, there are going to be some major spoilers in this review (you know me by now; I basically tell you the plot) but to be honest, if you haven’t seen Enter the Dragon, you and I have no further business with one another. On we go…

This movie begins with Bruce Lee beating up a fat dude played by a young Sammo Hung. It’s obviously an exhibition match of some sort and it’s being held at this Shaolin temple which Bruce is probably the star pupil of. It’s not really a great introduction to the character because it’s hard to side with someone who has far superior martial arts abilities, beating up a fat dude. Still, it’s just as good a point as any to start, I guess. So Bruce beats up a fat guy and goes for a meeting with the head of the temple. This guy has the most American accent I’ve ever heard. Like, whoever’s dubbing the voice isn’t even trying to sound even remotely Chinese. Seriously, he’s so American. He basically tells Bruce that’s he’s a fucking bad ass and he’s operating at a level above the physical but he puts it to him in more spiritual way and I don’t think this hurts Bruce’s self-esteem any. He probably appreciates it more than if someone were to just say ‘Dude, your Kung Fu is pretty sweet’. Anyway, this monk also tells him about a former student of the temple called Han, who we find out a little later on is the bad guy in this movie. He tells Bruce that Han sacked off his responsibilities went rogue and brought shame to the temple. Basically, he’s a dick. He tells Bruce to reclaim the temple’s honour. This monk tells Bruce that there’s a guy at the temple who wants to talk to him, called Braithwaite. Bruce meets up with this guy who tells him about a tournament that Han is holding and that they want Bruce to attend. By ‘they’ he means ‘the government’ but we’ll hear about them a little later on, too. Their conversation is cut short by one of Bruce’s students and what I imagine is one of their many weird little intervals that they have over a typical day. Bruce is trying to teach this guy about combat but he’s doing it in a really confusing way. Braithwaite seems pretty impressed with this display but I think they’re just putting it on and fucking with this stuffy white guy and his (probably) stereotypically racist preconceptions of martial artists.

Then we get the title sequence. During this sequence, we’re introduced to Jim Kelly’s character but only in as much as we see him get off a plane and walk around Hong Kong. This doesn’t really lead to anything other than being impressed with Kelly’s afro which I sense is what we’re really being introduced to. We also get to briefly glimpse Saxon’s character who's also getting off a plane but also looks like he’s shouting at a little Chinese guy about his luggage. Seriously, he looks pretty condescending in this scene. It bothers me a little. Here, the credit sequence ends pretty abruptly and we’re now in Braithwaite’s Hong Kong office where he’s talking to Bruce who’s wearing a pretty sick three piece suit. Braithwaite is basically going over the main assholes of this movie so you can just kick back and learn everything you need to know about these dudes.  Braithwaite shows Bruce the only existing film footage of Han that anyone has. He then shows Bruce footage of this guy called O’Hara who Braithwaite says is Han’s bodyguard. This O’Hara guy is presented as something of a bad ass because you see movie film footage of him having shit broken over his arms and him punching through flaming bricks. The most physically notable thing about O’Hara is how he was kind of Chuck Norris before Chuck Norris got in on that action. He’s got a beard and semi-permanently fixed hair but Bruce manages to ruffle it later on. Next, Braithwaite shows Bruce a picture of Han’s island where he’ll be holding the tournament. He tells Bruce that Han lives completely self-sufficiently on this island and spends all of his time running a school of martial arts. At this stage, you have to stop and think that this Han guy doesn’t sound all that bad. I mean, O’Hara looks like a fucking chump but what’s wrong with Han living on a private island and teaching some kids how to kick ass? Braithwaite shows Bruce some footage of a dead girl who was washed ashore and was last seen partying on Han’s private boat. Braithwaite tells Bruce that Han gets shit loads of young girls like her hooked on heroin and then sells them on the black market. Oh, shit. So THAT’S what’s so bad about Han. What an asshole. Braithwaite tells him that his government body knows everything about Han but they can’t prove shit which seems odd but then he explains that part of Han’s island doesn’t lie within their jurisdiction. Damn red tape. Braithwaite gives Bruce a picture of this chick who’s been working on infiltrating Han’s operation and says that they lost contact with her a while ago but he can meet up with her when he gets to the island, if she’s still alive and not all junked out on heroin.

Tonight on Lifetime 'The P-Diddy Boat Party That Went Horribly Awry'

I just want to take a moment to mention that the first third of this movie is all kinds of fucked up because most of the story is told in flashback so it’s really difficult to write about it chronologically. When we get a flashback sequence, I’ll make sure that you’re all subtly aware that one is happening just before it does, ok? Cool.

FLASHBACK! Bruce is chatting with one of his friends back at the temple and it’s supposed to be just before Bruce leaves for Hong Kong. His buddy is telling him about the time that Bruce’s sister was killed. DOUBLE FLASHBACK! Bruce’s buddy and his sister were having a walk around the city (doesn’t say which city. I guess it’s Hong Kong) when they were attacked by a Super Rape Gang of Han’s men, led by O’Hara. It’s daylight, by the way so you know these are some brazen assholes because they beat up Bruce’s buddy and they’re totally going to rape Bruce’s sister as well. These guys just don’t give a fuck. Bruce’s sister beats up a couple of the guys in the gang but Bruce’s buddy tells her to run while he slashes O’Hara’s face with a concealed knife. O’Hara is understandably pissed about this and beats the shit out of this guy before getting his men to chase after Bruce’s sister. She eventually winds up in this abandoned warehouse or something but Han’s men smash through the windows and surround her. She opts out of being their unwilling sex doll by picking up a piece of broken glass and stabbing herself in the stomach while O’Hara looks on passively like a douche. It’s difficult to tell why Bruce’s buddy told him about this, exactly. I mean, it serves for an interesting angle later on in the film but telling him this just before he leaves is surely going to make him lose focus. Man, this guy is a shitty friend. This is the first time he’s told Bruce about what actually happened to his sister as well so you’re left wondering what the fuck they told Bruce about it in the first place. Next, we see Saxon preparing to board the boat for Han’s island FLASHBACK! Saxon’s flashback shows him playing golf. He’s playing with this other guy and they put a bet on Saxon potting the ball or whatever it’s called in Golf. Saxon fucks this up so he’s already down a couple of thousand dollars to this other guy. Saxon smashes his ball into the rough so he goes looking for it when these big dudes in suits and moustaches appear from the trees, saying he owes them serious money. I think it’s all gambling money or something. That’s probably true given that he’s just unwisely gambled with his golfing partner. It’s never really mentioned what it is Saxon does for a living, by the way but it seems to be something where he can play golf all day. I sometimes like to imagine he works with something really dull like timber or steel which is why he spends his time learning Kung Fu and playing golf. Anyway, he has a hilarious fight with these guys and high tails it to Hong Kong. Now it’s time for us to meet Kelly’s character FLASHBACK! Kelly’s leaving this all-black karate school when he’s stopped by these two asshole Policemen who are using a load of racial slurs and trying to arrest him for being black on a Friday night or whatever. These guys are stupid even for racists. These Policemen literally pull up outside the building that Kelly is leaving like they were waiting for him. Kelly isn’t taking no shit from the man, so he resists arrest and beats the shit out of these cops who are just pissed off that Kelly has plane tickets to Hong Kong. Then he fucks right out of that place in their patrol car and heads to the airport. Don’t know how he made it there. You’d think someone would have stopped him. It can’t be that easy to steal a Police car and drive it to an airport I wouldn’t have thought.

'Got a passport, have ya? Gonna be doin' some legal travelling, are ya? Tickets probably bought and paid for with wages from your steady job, huh? We'll soon see about that, you son of a bitch!'

After these flashbacks have finished, all of the principle cast are on a boat bound for Han’s island. You find out that Kelly and Saxon are old Vietnam buddies. They seem to have a kind of sixth sense for dangerous situations and are constantly giving one another little looks to show each other that they know shit isn’t right. Right after Kelly and Saxon reunite is where we meet Boat Asshole. I’m sure this character is called Parsons and someone mentions that he’s from New Zealand so essentially, he’s Russell Crowe because he’s sort of Antipodean and an overly aggressive prick. He’s so incidental though that it doesn’t really matter what his name is so I call him Boat Asshole. When the boat is well under-way for the island, Boat Asshole is just hanging out on deck when he just starts kicking all the hired help around for like no reason. He approaches Bruce and starts doing some flexing and other weird shit in front of him to try and intimidate him. Boat Asshole wants to fight and tries to get Bruce to show him some of his moves. Bruce agrees but humiliates the guy by tricking him into getting into this little rowing boat and then threatening to let go of the line. All the guys that Boat Asshole has just been kicking around get a good laugh out of it so justice is served for the time being but you know this prick is going to be back for seconds later on in the movie.

Fuck you, Boat Asshole. You don't even deserve anything even remotely resembling a funny caption

So, the boat arrives at Han’s island and the contestants are greeted by this big mother fucker called Bollo who spends his time looking mean and menacing even though he’s basically a glorified bell boy in this scene. Bollo is kind of a random element in this movie but you’ll get to learn more about him a bit later. There’s also this woman called Tania who Saxon immediately spots and starts making creepy comments about. She leads them away from the boat and around the main building where you see all of Han’s students standing in formation and doing some kung-fu moves in unison. One of the guys isn’t really keeping up with the others so I’m guessing he’s the remedial student. You’ll spot him if you look carefully. Tania tells everyone that there will be a feast in the main hall at 8:00pm. She tells everyone at the front of the line, at least, which includes Kelly, Bruce and Saxon. I guess she just leaves it up to chance that Boat Asshole and all the other contestants will work it out later on that there’s food and a party when they start to get hungry.

In the next scene, it’s much later on (probably after 8:00pm) and everyone’s in the main hall having fun at the feast. There’s Sumo wrestling going on in the middle of the room, these little jester guys are cart wheeling around the place, chicks are serving food etc. It’s pretty good. Kelly and Saxon have this chat about how something doesn’t seem right although to be fair, we only know something isn’t right because we know from Braithwaite’s briefing that Han is an asshole so they’ve got no real reason to be this suspicious yet. That Tania chick from before is there and she’s dressed like Barbarella and even O’Hara shows up, looking like he took a wrong turn coming out of Medieval world. All of a sudden, there’s this huge gong sound (which I think must be someone hitting a gong) and Han comes in through these big double doors, followed by these chicks who don’t say anything. He starts going on about how everyone that’s taking part has honed their body to the peak of physical perfection and he makes it sound like they’ve all sacrificed something to be as skilled as they are which I can believe in Bruce’s case and probably even Kelly’s but Saxon? This guy can’t even convince me that what’s sitting on top of his head is real hair. I mean, look at this shit; even imdb is trying to tell me that he has a black belt in karate. I’m looking at the trivia page right now. I don’t believe this shit for a second. Anyway, Han has finished his speech and he walks over to this big bowl of apples. He starts throwing them in the air and the chicks he’s brought in with him start throwing these concealed darts at them. Some of the random guys in the room catch the apples with darts in them before Bruce catches one which is thrown by the woman he recognises from the picture Braithwaite gave him earlier on in the movie. Han leaves the room and the party continues. I don’t know why he felt it necessary to show off his dart blowing chicks in this way. They don’t really factor into this movie at any point later on which is kind of a shame.

'What's that, sweetcheeks? Yes, I'm a blackbelt...yes, 'seriously'...sure thing I'll wait while you look it up on imdb'

Later on, after dinner, all the contestants are back in their rooms and Tania is knocking on the guests’ doors and offering them sexy fun time with this wide selection of chicks from Han’s own, personal stash. I kind of feel bad for Tania at this point because she’s been there to greet the contestants when they first arrived, she was at the party and now she’s in full of Madame mode, dispensing whorey delights on the contestants. She’s been through at least two hair style changes and three dress changes by this point. The first room she goes to is Kelly’s, who’s listening to some sort of funky jazz on his head phones when they first come in. Kelly picks out four girls saying that he would have picked more but it’s been a long day and he’s tired. Tania doesn’t seem impressed by this but she should be happy because this is kind of her job and her reaction is as stupid as someone working on a used car lot getting angry that he’s sold every car on the same day. Next, she goes to Bruce’s room. He’s not interested in any of the tarts on display, instead asking for the owner of the dart that he picked up from the party. Tania says she can arrange this for him. It’s all business with Bruce. Not sexy business. Secret agent business. The final room we see (and there have to be a lot of rooms. There were at least 40 contestants at the party, perhaps more. That’s a lot of whores Han must have) is Saxon’s but there’s only one chick he’s got his dubious martial arts skill eyes on and that’s Tania. She seems quite happy with this despite the fact that she and Saxon haven’t exchanged a single word before this point in the film. Meanwhile, Bruce is chatting to the girl with the dart who we find out is called Mai-Ling. She tells Bruce that she’s monitored all the time and she doesn’t know shit about what Han is up to. She also tells him that there are all these girls that go missing on the island but we kind of know what happens to them.

The next scene is morning time and Bruce is busting out some moves in his room when O’Hara comes in and tells Bruce to attend a morning ritual in uniform which he doesn’t. He turns up in this brown karate suit which, for a secret agent, is kind of stupid because he’s obviously trying to infiltrate this thing that Han has got going on and he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. One of Han’s guys confronts him about it but Bruce has nothing for this except a stern look which seems to be ok because this guy leaves him alone. So next time you want to go into work and you fancy opting for a sarong and not your usual shirt and tie ensemble, just flash your boss a stern look when he questions you. It works. After this, we get to see Kelly fighting Boat Asshole and Kelly hands his ass to him pretty heavily. All the time while this is going on, there’s a little guy with a toothbrush, Hitler ‘tache who’s running his own little gambling ring which Saxon is naturally taking part in. Hitler ‘tache looks a bit too old to be taking part in anything to do with the tournament or the kung fu school and we never see him fight so I’m assuming he’s just a guy who lives on the island although I don’t know why Mr Han would have anyone on this island other than his guards, whores, heroin employees and sweet throwing dart chicks. Saxon gets to kick some guy’s ass while Kelly carries on the betting. Again, a lot of Saxon’s moves are kind of shown with a close angle so you don’t have to see his sloppy kicks. There’s a lot of movement implied but never really shown. They don’t do a great job of hiding it.

'Bet you $20 that my toupee and awkward karate is less offensive to the Jewish community than your moustache'

Later on, Saxon is in his room having some sexy time with Tania while Kelly is in his room with these four chicks again. Kelly mentions that he wants to go outside but one of the girls tells him that this is forbidden. Kelly ignores this warning and goes outside anyway. Elsewhere, Bruce is also making a quick trip outside but the difference is, he’s decked out in this all-in-one number and he’s doing some covert ninja shit across the palace grounds to dig up some dirt on Han. This scene is pretty good and there’s some good tension built up as you’re watching Bruce sneak around the palace but you’re left wondering why Han would employ such utter fucking dip shits as his guards. Maybe they’re his nephews or something. He can’t have picked them himself unless they’re agency workers. I’ve worked for agencies before and they don’t always employ the cream of the crop. I’ll give these guys a break if that’s the case. Anyway, Bruce does some snooping around and finds this concealed hatch in the grounds, which leads to an underground warehouse of sorts. I say it’s concealed, but the only concession they’ve made to concealing it is putting a potted plant on top of it. His investigation is cut short when two guards find the rope Bruce has used to climb down the hatch. He beats the shit out of them and makes his escape back to his room. Meanwhile, Kelly is still outside catching some air and doing some moves when he spots Bruce making his escape across the palace walls. Kelly, true to character, doesn’t give a fuck, decides to make a pithy comment and thinks nothing more of it.

The next morning, Han has called all the contestants to the courtyard and he’s pissed. He’s found out about someone snooping around the grounds and brings that big mother fucker Bollo into play to discipline the guards and by ‘discipline’ I mean ‘murder the fuck out of’. This is where it’s kind of confusing because I thought O’Hara was supposed to be the main cause for concern for everyone what with him being Han’s personal body guard but by this point, all we’ve seen him do is ineffectually try to rape someone, turn up to a dinner party in clothes which are about five hundred years out of date and stand at Bruce’s door thinking he’s the shit but with no proof to back it up. It’s soon O’Hara’s time to shine though because as soon as Bollo has finished snapping spines and crunching necks, he steps into the ring with Bruce. O’Hara has this prop board with him which he smashes in front of Bruce’s face but you get the impression that this asshole always does this before a fight and just brings something like balsa wood for the effect. Bruce is unperturbed by this because he can probably punch through an entire fucking forest without breaking a sweat. The fight between Bruce and O’Hara doesn’t take long for Bruce to finish. He keeps getting the drop on O’Hara and the bouffant prick never even manages to a get a single punch in. O’Hara loses his shit after Bruce has kicked him through some chairs and picks up these two bottles which are lying around. He smashes them and starts to make his way towards Bruce. There’s this pretty call slow mo sequence of Bruce disarming him and kicking him to the floor before he finally puts this bastard out of his misery by stomping his head into the floor. Bruce turns around and remembers that he’s taking part in a martial arts tournament and probably shouldn’t have pulped O’Hara’s head but Han doesn’t give a shit. He just says that O’Hara was a bit of a dick cheese for trying to stab Bruce up with some broken bottles and leaves. Just after this happens, Saxon mentions to Kelly that he’ll be in his room if he wants to talk about anything that’s just happened and given that the last five minutes of their lives have been all about dudes murdering other dudes in what was supposed to be a friendly martial arts tournament, you kind of understand why Kelly says he’ll be along for a chat in about half an hour. Saxon exits the courtyard but before Kelly can leave, Tania approaches him and says that Han wants to see him in his study.

'SUPERSISTERRAPEVENGEANCEKICK HI-YAH!!!!' - Street Fighter II: Enter The Dragon Edition

The following scene is probably one of the most simultaneously disappointing but brilliant moments in cinema.

Kelly walks into Han’s study so blissfully unaware of the shit storm that’s about to go down. Han starts off being complimentary about Kelly’s skill but then segues into this little life lesson about how Kelly should really prepare himself for defeat. Kelly, understandably, can’t get behind this shit. He’s Jim Kelly, for Christ’s sake. He tells Han that if someone does ever defeat him, he won’t notice because he’ll be too busy looking good. Han decides to cut straight to the chase at this juncture and asks Kelly what he was looking for when he attacked the guards the other night. Kelly tells Han that it wasn’t him. Han counters by saying that he was the only one outside of the palace. Kelly owns up to being outside but says that he wasn’t the only one outside that night. When Han demands to know who else was outside, Kelly’s done fucking around with this turkey. He tells Han that he wants to leave the island and Han denies him. Kelly’s response is the stuff of cult movie legend and I just want you to indulge me here for a moment. For everyone who’s seen this movie (that’s everyone, ever in the world, right?) and anyone who hasn't, please hit 'play' in 3...2...1

Damn, that feels good. Feel free to replay it a couple more times. Just after this, Kelly notices that there are some guards outside Han’s study. He turns to Han and tells him (yep, we’re doing this shit again)…

The fight that Kelly has with the guards is pretty good and shows off some more of his natural skill at martial arts but it feels like a bit of an afterthought given what we know will happen to him when this is over. The end of this fight with the guards is officially the end of the awesome in this scene. Han gets up from his desk to finish what his guards are incapable of doing and he and Kelly square off. Kelly throws up a pretty mega kick but he collides with Han’s hand and recoils in pain. Turns out Han has a fucking metal left hand which he can detach, chop and change with various instruments of death as he sees fit. I’m not going to spend too much time on this scene because it fucking grates with me that Kelly is killed off. It adds an extra dimension to the film because you can’t help but have become attached to Kelly’s character by this point so seeing him killed off is really disappointing but really shocking. It doesn’t spoil the movie but it doesn’t sit right especially not with how much they’ve been building up the character. Fucking Hollywood agents and their opinions. We could have had the ultimate bad-ass showdown with Bruce, Saxon and Kelly fighting back to back and taking down the whole operation. That’s right; I’d even allow Saxon to take part in it. No hard feelings or anything. So anyway, just to round this scene off, Kelly is punched and kicked around and then killed off in a really brutal way by Han and his T-800 hand.

In the next scene, Han is having a walk with Saxon through his war room where he’s got all these antique weapons and suits of armour. Han is explaining that he wants to talk about some important shit with Saxon. It’s worth noting that Han has a white cat in his arms in this scene. It serves a purpose just a few more minutes into the scene and kind of creates the illusion that he’s had it all the way through the film because he’s already been revealed to have a metal hand and a private island. Han is never more of a James Bond villain than he is in this scene and it’s easy to forget that at no other point in the film does he really resemble one. Anyway, he’s chatting with Saxon when they get to the end of this war room and Han puts his cat’s head on an antique guillotine. Saxon takes the cat off the block just as Han pulls the cord to the machine. We find out that it’s a dummy guillotine because it acts as an elevator to the underground warehouse which Bruce discovered earlier on. They continue to walk through the warehouse area and for a while, it all seems kosher. Then we come across these glass sided torture boxes where Han keeps all these chicks hooked on heroin. Bless the 70’s for having a limited understanding of the effects of hard drugs but the solemnity of the moment is ruined by Hollywood naivety as women either stare vacantly into space or shake their head repeatedly like malfunctioning droids. As if this wasn’t enough, Han shows Saxon all these prison cells which are chock full of dudes in black overalls who he says are drunks and various other vagabonds from the city who have lost their way. Why he keeps them here in this way is never really explained. It’s a bit creepy really when you think about it. Seriously, why would you actively collect drunks and keep them locked up in cells? Weirdo.

'Dude, seriously?! You collect drunks? Why would you collect drunks? That's a fucking weird hobby, buddy. Just saying'

Anyway, Han shows Saxon his heroin racket and asks him if he wants to represent his organisation in America. Saxon, despite being an irresponsible dick with a serious gambling addiction, is a deeply moral guy and can’t do this. Han decides to try another tactic and shows him Kelly’s lifeless body hanging above what I always think is a piranha pool but isn’t actually. It’s just a pool. Let’s put what Han is trying to do to Saxon into simplistic business terms; I sell ice cream. It’s pretty damn good and is a proven, competitive brand in the market. I have a little ice cream stall which you’re walking past one day and I try to entice you into buying one. You refuse, stating politely that you’re lactose intolerant and the dairy produce in my ice cream will make you ill. I take this information on board and respond by smashing the ice cream into my asshole before jumping up and down and threatening to kill your parents. It’s kind of like that but Han doesn’t smash anything into his ass. Not on camera, anyway. So, Saxon has reached a bit of an impasse by this point and keeps his acknowledgement of the situation kind of nondescript as to avoid meeting the same fate. At this stage, Han thinks he has Saxon in the bag.

Meanwhile, above ground, Bruce is doing some more snooping around. This time when he approaches the hidden hatch, there’s a fucking cobra just chilling out near it. Bruce grabs the snake and puts it in this handy little snake sack that he brought with him. Actually, that’s probably the bag that his climbing rope came in. He climbs down into the warehouse area again but this time doesn’t get interrupted above ground so he manages to make it all the way down. Bruce comes across this control room which he can’t circumnavigate and notices a radio inside. To get the guys manning the control room out that place, he throws the snake in there but smacks it round the head first for good measure. The guys in the control room get the fuck out of that place pretty damn fast so Bruce gets in and sends a message over the radio to Braithwaite. By this point, all hell has broken loose and Bruce has to fight a load of Han’s guards. This is probably the best of Bruce’s fight scenes in the movie and even progresses onto the infamous nun-chuck scene where he gets to demonstrate his awesome ability with weapons. He dispatches the majority of these guards in a fairly standard, non-lethal way with the exception of one guard who he mercilessly slaughters in the same way he disposed of O’Hara earlier on. His motivations for taking all his aggression out on this one guard remain hazy. So, Bruce gets a good run of beating up these guards and he’s trying to find a way out of the underground warehouse when he runs into this one room and these steel doors come down around him, locking him in until Han is ready to deal with him.

This just looks too fucking cool to not put in this review

The next scene shows Han’s courtyard and Bruce is standing next to Bollo who’s keeping an eye on him. A guard brings Saxon to the courtyard and it’s pretty obvious to all assembled that Han wants Saxon to kick Bruce’s ass. In the context of the film, this was never going to happen. In real life, this was never going to happen. If the magic of movies and the allure of being an actor lie in the fact that we get to become everything we’ve always wanted to be, Saxon is getting the shit end of the stick in this scene.  He quite rightly refuses to co-operate with Han who responds by setting Bollo on him. Saxon makes pretty easy work out of Bollo, who tries to pull some spine snapping tricks on him. Saxon fights dirty though and manages to give Bollo the drubbing he deserves. He would have made a better target for Bruce’s angst rather than that guard who’d done literally nothing but try to earn his pay cheque. Han gets royally pissed at this and sets all the students on Saxon and Bruce. Meanwhile, Mai Ling is setting all the drunks and losers from the prison cells free and the Coastguard are scrambling to helicopters to make their way to Han’s island. Meanwhile, Bruce and Saxon are ploughing through these students like they aint no thing. This is testament to Han's skill as a kung fu master because every single one of these students is fucking useless. All the drunks from the cells are above ground now and fighting the students alongside Bruce and Saxon. It’s curious to see that all of these drunks possess the same level of kung fu skill as the students so I’m wondering if Han’s selflessness extends even to the prisoners that he collects for no reason and he just can’t help but teach them some kung fu, too. In fact, he's taught them better kung fu because they're ploughing through Han's guards pretty easily as well. While all this fighting is going on, Bruce is trying to make his way to Han for the final showdown but one of the students commits the cardinal sin of interrupting Bruce’s singular, destined approach towards Han. This is the action movie version of cock blocking and I fucking hate to see it. You know whoever interrupts our hero isn’t worth shit and Bruce, true to form, gets this guy out of the way really easily so it’s kind of pointless him doing it in the first place. Han has brought a wooden box out with him to the courtyard because it has one of his little hand attachments in it. Han has a lot of spikey hand attachments and this one looks like it belongs to the King of The Wicker People armour from Tim Burton’s Batman movie. Han gets it stuck in a chair as he’s taking a swing for Bruce which makes him look like a dickhead. Han makes a quick exit but Bruce has had enough of this bullshit and follows him.

This man cannot teach hundreds of students to beat up two guys with any success

Bruce follows Han to his war room where he’s now changed his hand into this weird fucking chrome lions paw thing. They have a bit of a fight in here which looks cool. Han tries to run Bruce through with a spear but instead he drives it into one of the walls. Bruce continues to pound on his ass but Han bitches out and escapes into this hall of mirrors which he has hidden behind a revolving wall in the war room. Bruce follows him in and becomes a bit disoriented by all the mirrors and shit. This scene is cool and all and it’s easy to just admire the production value and the creativeness behind having a final battle in these surroundings but ask yourself this; why does this room even exist? What practical application does it serve? Is this Han’s sexy time room? Was one mirror above the bed just not enough? We see like a dressing gown hanging up in there and that’s all the evidence I need. Anyway, Bruce is wandering around looking for Han and, just like the little bitch he is, he strikes from a distance and then disappears again. You’re wondering how Bruce is going to win this one given that he’s fighting Han on his terms and not his own. We then hear this voice over, like it’s playing through Bruce’s head, of something that the Shaolin monk from way back at the start of the film told him about breaking the opponent’s image. I see what they did there. Mirrors. Image. Mirror image. That’s some clever shit, right there.  So Bruce smashes as many mirrors as he can to distort the image and therefore giving Han less of an advantage. As he’s doing this, Han comes in for the kill but Bruce is ready for him. He kicks Han so hard that this prick falls onto the spear which is poking through the wall from the war room. Bruce actually looks pretty surprised that this has happened, like he wasn’t expecting this kind of luck. Given that he’s almost been murdered several times over the last few days, I guess you wouldn’t be expecting a break like that either.

'Ho-lee shit! Did you see that?! Somebody tell me they saw that...ah, shit'

Back in the courtyard, things have finally wound down. Saxon is taking a breather and looking out over all the unconscious and probably dead bodies. He scans across the courtyard and notices Tania has been killed which he’s pretty sad about. Bruce comes back up to the courtyard and spots him and gives him the thumbs up. They both look pretty sad, to be fair and this is where the film ends as the Coastguard turn up in their helicopter’s just a little too late to have saved some lives. Pretty fucking bleak, all things considered.

So, Enter the Dragon is a great movie with some sharp editing, interesting set pieces and a kick ass Lalo Schifrin soundtrack. All the performances are great and even though I rag on Saxon a lot, he’s really good and I don’t know who else could have brought the charm to this movie quite like he does. Of course, we’re here to honour Jim Kelly above all else and he really is the star of this movie in many ways. Don't get me wrong; Bruce is great and rightly deserves his place as a legend of martial arts cinema and as a cultural icon but we started this journey because of Jim and his big personality. If by some stretch of the imagination you've never seen a Jim Kelly movie or know someone who hasn't seen a Jim Kelly movie, spread the love. A bit more Jim Kelly love in the world can never be a bad thing. And on that note, I think I've only got one more thing to say: Jim, you’re sorely missed, man. Thanks for all the awesome.

Oh, and please understand; if I've missed anything, it's been a big day. I'm a little tired.

Pictured: Bad Ass

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