tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70788319913095738552024-02-02T16:57:36.173+00:00Exploitation Movie ReviewReviewing all things Pulp, Cult and ExploitationRichhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-5888841049096982732014-06-18T07:16:00.000+01:002014-06-18T07:16:15.009+01:00Exploitation Movie Review and The End Of Summer Blog Proudly Present...<div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A joint effort between </span><a href="http://the-end-of-summer.blogspot.co.uk/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The End of Summer</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honor the cheesiest, oddest, and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. Below you will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcastic commentary and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. Profanity will be immense, constant, and unyielding. No on-screen target is safe. No incompetence will pass by unmocked. And no punches will be at all pulled. Some films deserve it. This is one of them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The End of Summer (TEOS):</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> To quote myself:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In 1957, a legend was born; he was a pint-sized legend that rocked a white suit, triumphed against adversity, and wooed the ladies. His hair was as black as squid ink, his smile glinted like the afternoon sun, and his nipples were the size of silver-dollar pancakes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He came, he saw, he littled. And in 1992, he died of bad crab.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Background is impossible to find on other films in Weng Weng’s career, and when they have titles like </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Chopsuey Met Big Time Papa</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, that makes me pretty sad. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Impossible Kid</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(of Kung Fu)</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, directed by Eddie Nicart, who has seemingly directed every Weng Weng feature, is one of at least four films in which Weng Weng takes the reins of leading man, wearing the tiniest of doll clothes and dealing the tiniest of furious kicks. Here, he reprises (initiates?) the role of Agent 00, a James Bond-ish character who works for an anti-criminal organization called “Control.” </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">The film opens with Weng Weng taking a leisurely stroll down Mini Avenue when a team of snipers tries to take him out. He ducks down for complete safety behind a fire hydrant while he waits for his back up from Control to arrive. Once he does, the one-and-a-half men chase the snipers into an apartment building.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well...this escalated with a degree of alacrity I wasn't entirely prepared for.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> On the roof, Back Up Guy lowers Weng Weng on a rope down to the next couple of windows where Sniper Guy is holed up. You might be thinking “Wow, that Back Up Guy is pretty strong!” but you’d be wrong, since Weng Weng weighs roughly the same as an average-sized watermelon. Naturally, while dangling like a worm on a hook above Mini Ave (</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ghostbusters 2</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> reference for the win), Weng Weng looks through a window and sees shower tits. The shower tits see Weng Weng. (The shower tits see a two-foot high man, on a rope, floating outside her bathroom window.) Shower Tits’ reaction is to close the shower curtain and get back to being underwhelming looking.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm concerned that the guy in the apartment beneath Shower Tits is making out with a dead body. It could be a sex doll with realistic skin, like a T-800 Terminator that's fallen on hard times and needs the money to pay its way through college. It's probably just an actress...what were we talking about, again?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> About this movie, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Infinitesimal Kid</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. And it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you have ejaculated.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> When Weng Weng speaks, he speaks with immense authority. And that’s likely to do with the guy who they got to dub Weng Weng’s voice for the North American release. I’m kinda wondering why they chose said baritone voice instead of one that might be found coming out the mouth of a cartoon puppy, but, it worked for Woody and Buzz, so…</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During the title sequence, we're given an insight into how much of a bad ass Weng Weng is because the lady who's singing his title song tells you so. Production value wise, this movie has taken an important step ahead of its competitors by having at least two different pieces of music on its OST.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng is taking the time to zip around town on his motorbike when he receives a radio message from base explaining that there's a truck and some bad guys and a hostage so he moves to intercept.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng saves the hostage dude from a truck full of assholes and receives such an underwhelming display of gratitude, this guy might as well be British.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Back at Control, Weng Weng is pawed and man handled by the secretary, who repeatedly kiss-rapes him, but Weng Weng chooses to exhibit indifference over titillation about this whole situation. Luckily his boss intervenes, whisking him away to his office that looks suspiciously like someone’s IKEA-ed out garage. There the boss explains that networks of terrorists who kidnap wealthy industrialists for ransom are attempting to establish connections with a terrorist ring in the Philippines.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During this debriefing, you should be able to pick up on the fact that Weng Weng's boss has a hard time with plurals. Illegal organisations are called 'Terrorist' and wealthy business conglomerates are called 'Industrialist'. This guy's disabled mouth is pretty funny.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s right around you’ll begin to notice that, unless Weng Weng is kicking dudes in the balls or brandishing tiny guns, he looks completely bored to be anywhere near this movie. Doesn’t he know he’s headlining his own film where he gets to kiss average looking broads…on the face? Maybe someone should tell him.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'll let you deal with this one, dude. I still don't believe he's a real person and this is some freaky CGI shit which Manilla didn't tell us about until 30 years later.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At some kind of anti-criminal meeting, its attendees mistake Weng Weng for a small boy, so they literally pick him up and throw him from person to person toward the exit, and oh yeah, it’s as amazing as it sounds. Especially when Weng</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">2 </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">beats the ever-loving hell out of the last dude for coming even close to disrespecting him.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #444444; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Best. GIF. Ever</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To be perfectly fair to the head of the anti-criminal meeting, you can't blame him for not believing that this J.F Sebastian automaton-looking motherfucker with worse hair than Donald Trump is Interpol's best agent. If he didn't stand there like Richard Ramirez silently contemplating if he should both rape AND kill this bitch, he may have been taken a bit more seriously.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><strike><br /></strike></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">But you know what? He's fucking Weng Weng and his ghost is about to come and kick me in the balls for that shit I've just said.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And he’ll come to you wearing the tiniest bedsheet.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once Double-Weng convinces everyone he really is from Interpol, they sit down and watch a video made by Head Terrorist Guy, who is wearing a Klansmen hood for some reason. He demands a bunch of shit, or else he’ll do a bunch of shit. Then the TV explodes, so you know he means business.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yeah, my favourite moment of this video tape is when Head Terrorist Guy explains that when people call him and his organisation terrorists, they're wrong. He then goes onto explain that if his demands are not met, he'll kidnap and kill all these motherfuckers. That, my hooded friend, is a terrorist.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Weng Weng leaves the meeting and is soon chased by some dudes on motorbikes, but he jumps in some dude’s dirt cart and the dude plays along, wheeling him away. Truly, Weng has earned the title dangerous man of mystery.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Back at Control HQ, there's too much fucking plot going on. I commend this movie for making the concession to plot development, but when your main attraction is a living marionette that kicks people in the balls, adding a storyline is as pointless as nutritional information on the side of a garbage can.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng's boss tells him to pinpoint who's really in charge of this terrorist plot, but it seems obvious that it's Ku Klux Klan Man. I think he means that Weng Weng needs to find out who's beneath the mask. I don't know. I kind of don't care. It's been at least five minutes since Weng Weng hoofed someone in the dick and my patience is wearing a bit thin.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Basic outline; some wealthy industrialist(s) has bitched out and decided to pay up to Klan Man so he doesn't wake up one morning to a breakfast of his own balls.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> You’re grasping more of this plot than I am. I admit, I’ve been spending this entire time staring at Weng’s tiny body to see if I can locate his battery pack.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While the musical score comes dangerously close to ripping off the theme from </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Pink Panther</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, Weng Weng hides in a trashcan, since he’s on a stakeout, I guess. Sure enough, some bad guy comes and drops a duffel bag into the very trashcan in which Weng is hiding. After digging through it, Weng finds that it’s filled with </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">cash-money, niggas!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Then these OTHER dudes come out of nowhere, grab the can, and toss it into a rubbish truck. Whether this is part of the criminal plan or unhappy coincidence, we don’t know. I sure don’t.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img height="279" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/botwLKs57t91BLvQQ5ogzqmPLHypkexWmmxmeT4iEhiq4xCxmiR9MLUlm5gWYHRG43JMlYgTS29_BauM5wZzoQwIa0zQwJu06Qacl3QQ6QOCVp-9EYzKN7kFWpXWu9yooA" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0rad); border: none;" width="400" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The truck in question is being driven by a ruthless gang of hipsters</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why Weng Weng is so popular with the ladies, I don't know. So far, within the first 30 minutes, I've seen him crawling around on the floor, hiding in a dust cart and jumping into a trashcan. If I'd have been this popular with women despite smelling like burnt asshole, I would have lost my virginity a long time before my 22nd birthday.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Haha, I think that guy totally just said “bouillabaisse.”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You know what? FUCK fish dishes, man. I work all day and you expect me to come home and work through my dinner, too?! The fuck is this shit?! No, seriously, what were we talking about again?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Some asshole movie starring Chloe Grace-Moretz’s body double.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The bad guy demands to see the money. Well, they unzip the money sack, and it’s actually Weng Weng, and he is </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">so</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">money</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng dominates all of them because he is the goddamn man, and for his thanks he gets a kiss on the lips from that secretary who’s obsessed with him.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There's nothing savory about their relationship, man. It's making me feel uncomfortable. I think it's a combination of factors. On the one hand, you have Weng Weng, who, and I think you'll forgive me, looks like a child who got lost at a wedding, and on the other hand, you have a 20-something year old receptionist with crippling emotional problems who's probably more interested in making him dress up in a cute little sailor suit than she is in banging him.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, Weng Weng's boss with the broken face-hole delivers him from this frumpy psychopath into his office where he's having a meeting with the wealthy industrialist who wanted to pay up and save his own life.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you ask me, this guy's being a churlish asshole because he blames Weng Weng for fucking up the pay off. There's lots of pointing and uncomfortable silences in the room when Weng Weng's getting his grilling. These dudes have less of an idea what's going on than I do, which is remarkable seeing as though they have a script. Maybe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> If Weng Weng were less of a man, he would flee from the room filled with all the tall men who were yelling at him, grasping his school books bound together in one of those rubber band things that children still used back when they were still endearing and not total Apple product-carrying jerk-offs. But, since he’s Weng Weng, he takes it all in stride and tells them all to fuck off (in his mind).</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After he's been given an almighty roasting, Weng Weng senses that there could be a cross-dressing hit-man in the vicinity and fuck me, he's right.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Maybe he smelled all the cock.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ha! Gross. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Look out! Rue Paul has the most ineffectual grenade ever created and he's going to throw the fucking thing at the industrialist(s).</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">'What happened?!' asks one of the Interpol agents after Weng Weng has dispatched the assassin with several throat stomps and a Mexican firework.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Literally no one replies to this question. It's better that way.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img height="278" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/14wDYZd92TMIzKE8AfnmDX8LKMYl07VYdDFVYsnmn9A9X8Fk7WhVCr5Xvn6yefr9opKc95ul8rovhseQM9FJg8Sok08dn3icthTWfERQAAGHb37hEOpuv1JZ_XRH-gYxiQ" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0rad); border: none;" width="400" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> “Is that a man’s cock under your dress or are you just happy to see another man?”</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> At a terrorist meeting, Head Terrorist Guy puts a hit out on Weng Weng amongst all his underlings. Some chick says she knows where he practices his karate, so she goes there, undercover, in hopes of taking out the bite-sized superspy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The official Weng Weng song plays as the chick gets a birds-eye view of his fists of fury. She’s only wooed for a second before she sics pretty much every person at the place on him, since they all work for her.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You know during the meeting when he puts the hit out on Weng Weng? Yeah, I couldn't understand a fucking word that guy was saying. I tried adjusting the volume and everything. Still, the audio mix here isn't as bad as the one they did on </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Dark Knight Rises</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All you need to know is, it’s four dudes against one half-dude. Guess who wins?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm guessing it's not Tom Hardy's accent in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Dark Knight Rises</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Seriously, that movie fucking sucks. Why do you all go on about it all the time?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you make one more allusion to my liking that overlong piece of nonsense, I am going to wear a crab over my mouth, prank call your mum, and in my best Tom Hardy voice, tell her you’ve been arrested for public defecation and lazy storytelling. Then a nuke will go off right next to me but I’ll live because off-screen cut-aways.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Brilliant! Millions of dollars and critical recognition to you for some reason! (Nolan Jab.)</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The thing that immediately struck me while watching this fight scene is that if you're going to employ an actor like Weng Weng and you're going to have him do some karate or whatever, you're pretty much going to have to train the guy to do everything you commit to film, because you're not going to find a stunt-man who's even close to Weng Weng's height. At a push, I guess you could stop-motion some GI Joes and use forced perspective, but it's probably quicker to train the guy to do sick moves.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s actually something I never thought about. Was Weng Weng this random Meenie Filipini who just knew all this stuff already and then became an actor, or did he become an actor and then learn this stuff? And is “this stuff” anywhere near legitimate? I can’t tell, because I spent all my time looking at his tiny body and trying to locate his plug outlet.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also, if you ever wanted to see a wax-haired midget kick a broad right in the face, don’t blink.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This scene also explains why I never learnt a martial art. The simple answer; no matter how good I could potentially become, my limbs wouldn't make cool swooshing noises when I moved.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh, and another thing that hit me while watching this fight scene is that I swear the guy working out on the bench isn't involved with the four guys and the chick who just attacked Weng Weng. Strikes me that what he's seeing is an autonomous Jim Henson puppet beating up on some broad and he's stepped in to help out. Weng Weng beats the shit out of him pretty hard and then the chick produces a gun out of nowhere and shoots him in the fucking back! I feel pretty bad for him.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, anyway, Weng x 2 takes Karate Lady back to Interpol HQ or whatever it is, then, I think, heads home to his apartment building, but he's being tailed by some dudes which, naturally, he instantly clocks for assholes so he makes an escape into some chick’s room.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait a fucking second...has he just broken into some chick's room? I thought this was his room? Actually, at first, I thought it was a cinema because he went up to the desk and it looked like the clerk gave him a ticket. But what the fuck is he doing in some broad's room? I'm, like, 35 minutes into this movie and I've been watching it for 2 hours because I have to keep stopping to check if I have strychnine poisoning.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Huh? Oh, I don’t know. I was too busy laying down those sick </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dark Knight Rises</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> slams.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The guys on the tail of Weng Weng point a gun at this bell-boy, but, honestly, they really didn't need to. Apparently, all they needed to do to gain access to this chick's room was ask the fucking desk clerk and he'd have been more than happy to assist them in their potential sexual assault. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, Weng Weng jumps out of the window, utilising some linen as a rudimentary parachute.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">This film is fucking stupid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> YESSSS!!! The high jump off the top of the skyscraper and right into the arms of a man in the hotel’s swimming pool. A-W-E-SOME.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Right, the guy in the swimming pool. Him. He wins. No one else who could possibly turn up in this film would be any creepier and yes, I'm counting the ever possible cameo of Pennywise The Dancing Clown. There's ALWAYS that possibility.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you saying you disapprove of a large bear of a man, shirtless, cradling Weng Weng like a child, and saying repeatedly that he is a pretty boy, all the while Weng Weng looks like he could not be prouder?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fuck you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img height="281" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/Eyo9Z9YJiS384elQyImf3ipZvRzLgxpD_QxBm4QCKX9DrRHX1pmfN2-kGASPE1jEHXWyRTkPEAxmhehPv9qz9SnUJAFsVm1LE7PhtZs4peOGAkhZVGvMDf2kZjavggC4Xw" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0rad); border: none;" width="400" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I know I said I was in the mood for a little Filipino tonight, but this is ridiculous!”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Rimshot.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey, woah, c'mon now. I didn't mean to insult your sensibilities. I know we're supposed to be living in a new age of acceptance and everything, but dude...this here...this shit ain't right…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> “Ain’t right” is what </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Two Guys, One Quip</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is all about, playa.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who's this guy getting off on them giving this chick an injection? What is this? What's happening? What the fuck have you made me watch, man?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Are you missing her face of ecstasy and fists of clenching? She’s totally into it. Or, would you prefer to watch a three hour Batman film where he breaks his back, but then fixes it with the aid of a rope and a sad old man?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Haha! Come on, man. NO ONE wants to see that. If they ever made that into a Batman picture, I'm pretty certain I'd piss baking soda foam.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fuck, I think something “important” happened in the post-needling-girl scene and I missed it. I hope it’s not “detrimental” to the “plot.” I suppose I could rewind, but…</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It's cool, I've kinda been paying attention. This chick is having a fit. I really don't think this is how you react when you're injected with sodiumpen...oh wait, she's dead. Some guy is saying that someone must have switched the vials. Hang on, are you trying to tell me this was some sort of fucking clerical error? Man, they should change the name of this place from Interpol to Inter...joke...shop.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Weng Weng breaks into the rather posh mansion compound where all the bad guys just hang out near the pool while “The Wing Wanther” plays again. Head Bad Guy alludes to feeding Weng Weng to his pet cobra. See, because he’s the same size of a mouse. And this is before Weng Weng is even spotted in the compound. But, they waste no time in throwing a cobra directly at him, and Weng Weng tussles with it using his Barbie Doll hands</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Again, realising he hasn't punched anyone in the dick for at least 37 seconds, Weng Weng punches one of Main Bad Guy's men in the junk before leaving. It's pretty much my favourite moment of this movie so far.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait, Weng Weng just called Main Bad Guy a terrorist, who looked and reacted as if he were REALLY offended at being labeled as such. Is this one of those situations where Weng Weng knows the guy is dirty, but everyone else is dumb-fuck? Should I know this by now? Before I can wonder just what on Planet Earth is happening, it cuts to Weng Weng in a track suit, and you know what, I simply could not be more aroused.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey, look! Some guys sitting around a table and talking! I know over-sized collars were all the rage back when this film was made, but when 8 people are gathered in a small room and literally EVERY ONE of those 8 people are wearing one, it's either the most fashion conscious gang this side of </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">West Side Story</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> or someone's putting together a boy band. Either way; totally gay.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img height="290" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/Ltt0kAmc02BfVRolsYy6wPJrCn2xt4_ausjCktAh_lTBpz-m4zn41vrWO52OFDKXAW_MhUaKJtjzxQQariq9cjFHTUcrKRxn4YpFOITbNEpJcbey-kn9YjdxFJvfxKciLQ" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0rad); border: none;" width="400" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Maria! I've just met a man called 'Maria'!'</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Main Bad Guy laughs because his diabolical scheme seems to be coming to fruition. His henchmen laugh. He stops and his henchmen stop. Main Bad Guy takes a sip of his coffee and starts laughing again. I think I just heard my synapses telling me to get the fuck out of the house.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is awful.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm treating this movie as your way of telling me that you don't want to be friends anymore.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If that were true, I would make us watch </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Dark Knight Rises</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Holy shit.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We should totally watch </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Dark Knight Rises</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Chew on that while I get back to our current piece of shit.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng takes off on a hilariously small motorcycle and the bad guys pursue close behind in their car. Honestly, they could just run him over and end the movie at the 52-minute mark, seeing as how I’m pretty sure Weng’s bike is actually one of those wind-up toys, but, no such luck - we’ve got a half hour left of “man who can hide in small places” jokes.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And anyone still reading this review has got another 10 minutes of wondering why the fuck we're writing about this movie.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Weng Weng makes his escape by jumping a ravine on his motorcycle, but it's such a bad visual effect, it looks like Indiana Jones taking The Path Of God test in </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Last Crusade</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I could sense you mentally yearning for unsexy technicolor dancing, so, here you go. Pretty sexy, right?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Totally. Why are we now at a go-go club? Has this film just been stitched toge...you know what, fuck it. Whatever.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think the newsreader on the TV in the go-go club is the only member of the cast making a concerted effort to use singular and plural nouns when describing the industrialist(s).</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are some bad guys in the go-go club and one of them starts smacking a waiter around. What kind of a go-go club has men serving drinks?! </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh, man fuck the rest of this scene.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> In a scene most telling of Weng Weng’s talents, he finds himself surrounded on a desolate street by a bunch of thugs, so he throws down a smoke bomb and fucks the fuck off, causing all the thugs to accidentally shoot each other. He follows one of the bad dudes to a...whore house? Massage parlor? All I know is, all the girls for hire say he’s adorable, and the manager apologizes for nearly throwing him out, saying “I didn’t know you were an adult.”</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">I ask you: Did anyone?</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I *think* this is supposed to be a hospital, man. Oh, no, hang on...yeah, there's a sign outside that says 'Paradise,' so yep, it's totally a massage parlor. All the chicks inside look like nurses, though. Maybe it's a theme night or something. I don't know. East Asia's fucking weird.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img height="282" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/7UnGDOE9ud4SSZKXZ9Cs8fcLMqne0GTrtVrdn0C0iczMgimba6loqphTohU3cd7K6tajIH8THuedOWIp4G0xK64DyJrLWRf5PBEwBwP2yDCMvrNHPJn1EyQrQzFnBVlAjg" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0rad); border: none;" width="400" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> (Children’s discount joke.)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another thing: when Weng Weng walks into a room or a building and someone starts talking to him or asks him a question, why doesn't he just respond? Why does he stand there looking like he just walked off the set of '</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Labyrinth</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">' and can't function without being within 50 feet of Bowie's balls?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear god, still a half hour of this. This WHOLE movie is just men in suits sitting in rooms behind long tables and talking about boring crime shit. A logline this gonzo should be guaranteed gold, but it’s tantamount to early-’90s PBS. Also, note to men everywhere: don’t wear decorative scarves. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ever.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've come to the conclusion that the head terrorist guy's method of disguising his voice is literally just cupping his hand over his mouth. At least he doesn't sound like Sean Connery with a sand crab stuck to his face. (Bane Jab.)</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (Puts that sand crab over mouth.) “WHERN WERNG WERNG HAS KIRCKED YOU IN THE BARRLS, YOUR HAERVE MER PERMISSION TO CRY.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FINALLY Weng Weng is kicking ass again. I don’t know under what circumstances, but he just took out a whole rooftop of men with a pole. Then he ran around and kicked some other dudes’ asses, ran BACK to the roof and kicked THOSE guy’s asses again, and then, yes, used the pole to vault himself over the side of the building and then do a tight-rope walk to the next building over. It’s THIS kind of freak-show stuff that made me allow the video to buffer in the first place! (Although, who am I kidding, I’ve got a DVD of this bullshit on my shelf anyway.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I'm trying to make this a less painful experience by pretending that I'm watching the rooftop explosion in ‘</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Die Hard</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.’ That movie's tits. Why didn't we review that?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Because then I’d be reminded that </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Die Hard</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> eventually led to </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A Good Day to Die Hard</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and it would make me far angrier than this movie currently is.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Speaking of, before Weng Weng can say “I’m on a boat!” he should actually instead say, “I’m in a fucking bird cage on a boat!” because that’s exactly where he is. I’m not sure how he got there, but, there he is. I guess one of the girls did it? God, I’m awful at this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I won't lie; I've tried to be professional at this point because I'm feeling a little bit like Theon Greyjoy and this movie is Ramsay Snow trying to cut my dick off (spoilers), but no, I don't know what's happening either, but that's what makes our relationship special, man; if you don't care then I don't care.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img height="268px;" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/zrlxRkES5ES-gEx21t6cNVMSfQrYgwrxar64p5Ik-Wwziy3Miv1wXEmaQbvUkN1d4AukMo6RpLU0z3vTX0Deb02dBl4BRYuMvDlw85_LKDzWeZgMVsmV76OlWipO9YVvAQ" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="357px;" /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It's ok for two guys to talk about feelings if there's a picture of Robocop within view.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Main Bad Guy, who is also wearing a decorative scarf (seriously, dudes, knock it the shit off), orders that Weng Weng be thrown overboard, cage and all. Well, he is, and he drowns. He drowns, dies, the movie ends, and I’m allowed to watch that Van Damme movie that I’ve got saved in my Youtube watch-later list, as that would be time better spent.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just kidding. This movie is still happening and my soul is still sobbing.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Seriously, watching this makes me feel like I have a fever.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey, remember that time you suggested we write something together? Why can't we be happy like that again?</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh, what the fuck! I mean, no shit, Weng Weng was going to survive his bird-cage plunge, but seriously, did they even bother showing </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">how</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> he escaped? He’s not even wet! This is like </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jaws: The Revenge</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">-level bad. He’s got an uzi now, though, so that counts for something. He’s really furious - you can tell because the speed of his little legs increases to hummingbird-wing-like blurriness. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This shit's, like, 4 minutes from the end now that he's cutting dudes up with his gat and trying to rape this chick in the red. I'll say one thing for Hollywood: they generally know how to pace a movie. And not cast midgets in action roles. Say, do you reckon they'll ever do a remake and cast Peter Dinklage in the lead role?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS:</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Only if Tyrion Lannister owed me a debt, and I said, “Since you blonde fucks always pay your debts, star in my big budget remake of </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Impossible Kid</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">,” and I’m not sure how to finish that joke, since I guess I’m talking to a fictional imp at the same time I’m addressing a real-life man.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dear god, it’s finally over. Fuck you, man. I’m sorry. I know this was my idea. But still, suck it. Ugh. All this movie needed was an ending where Michael Caine sees Weng Weng and Catwoman sitting in a breakfast bistro, which was poorly telegraphed during the first act of this tripe, and then he can hobble away to go join Morgan Freeman in the official Batman spin-off, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now You See Me</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of the guys at the end sounds like Michael Caine. Is...is that close enough?</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">TEOS: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My-Cocaine.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">EMR: </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.15; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ha! Nice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">A joint effort between <a href="http://www.jtonzelli.com/" style="color: #4d469c; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">The End of Summer</a> and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honour the cheesiest, oddest and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. Below you will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcasm and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. But some films are asking for it. This is one of them...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Exploitation Movie Review (EMR)</b>:</span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Most of the time, a troubled production results in a troubled movie and that can be said of 1981's 'Zombie Lake'. After being passed on to director Jean Rollin at very short notice, the binding spell surrounding the dark lord G'rnthark crumbled and he awoke from his thousand year slumber. Dazed, confused and understandably angry, he promptly sharted and deposited 'Zombie Lake' onto the world as if to say 'Dude...I was fucking sleeping'</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>This movie garnered some criticism for being a cheap knock-off version of Ken Weiderhorn's 'Shock Waves', a similarly aquatic undead themed movie.</i></span></div>
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<i>So, lets just get this over and fucking done with...</i></div>
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<i>Zombie Lake starts, almost by way of apology, with tits and a deceptively soft core, euro-porn soundtrack. This reasonably attractive chick is getting undressed because she's going for a swim in a lake which is clearly marked with a sign that says 'No Swimming' and 'You're going to fucking die' but she just tears that warning sign right outta the ground and starts swimming. But wait! Oh, shit! As soon as the euro-porn soundtrack cuts out and the foreboding synth soundtrack kicks in, you know something's coming to cause more harm to her than the parasites in that lake could ever do. That's right; Zombies! Lake Zombies! Nazi Lake Zombies! After a brief but violent confrontation where the only thing you'll be thinking is 'did they shoot this in a fucking swimming pool? I can see the ladders and everything', the action expertly cuts away to a small village cafe.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b style="line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;">The End of Summer (TEOS):</span></b><span style="line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;"> Since we’re bros, I’ll be polite, but I really think you’re being too hard on this movie. I mean, granted, I know we’re all a little sick of zombie stuff right now, but so far this seems pretty fun. You’ve got Woody Harrelson, who is awesome; you’ve got the hot/ugly Emma Stone, who in this is mostly hot; and you’ve got that dude from The Social Network whom everyone likes to say is trying too hard to be Michael Cera, even though he’s been acting long before Cera adopted the whole “neurotic Woody Allen” act for Arrested Development.</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AND you’ve got...</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh. Wait a minute. I totally put in the wrong movie.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25.559999465942383px;">Ha ha. Sorry. Let me switch over real quick, I think this shit’s on </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25.559999465942383px;">Streaming.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="line-height: 25.559999465942383px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(It's playing)</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25.559999465942383px;">Aww, there's a swan, so that's nice - and we've got a broad with some nice gams. And, okay, we’ve got the title on screen now, and...</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25.559999465942383px;">Yeah, I instantly have eye cancer. You know how when you put on a bad movie, you just get that feeling where you KNOW the movie is going to be painful? If you've never experienced it, Zombie Lake is here to help you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Yeah, totally. I mean, look at the DVD cover</i></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1EWgMTDgZEe0bYsYr43EdF6E7n1KXoDQA5kgaYTiR2vOqf3xMXjLemEIAEEZ4x1wKWqBN1HkAxX7GtMSqz4J6H8lzgaKgLIhBC5weNtmEXleI3DO7wbIbSoRkFTbeFlXUTA4-1NnTrxB7/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1EWgMTDgZEe0bYsYr43EdF6E7n1KXoDQA5kgaYTiR2vOqf3xMXjLemEIAEEZ4x1wKWqBN1HkAxX7GtMSqz4J6H8lzgaKgLIhBC5weNtmEXleI3DO7wbIbSoRkFTbeFlXUTA4-1NnTrxB7/s1600/photo.JPG" height="400" width="282" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;">And then THIS is what it actually looks like</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQlyo-QvaLzsBsaXWbmvBwaJCK5XTez_pIIrGWng-PMCrIoYcHt4Fi_X1qqA4R6TeIz-s6urAhwn6htERz6nbZuRS8xmskdlhTphv9pg_x7F_WJIfAxoOOcPQ12K1L-LraeXcRSpbeQkDK/s1600/Zombie+Lake+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQlyo-QvaLzsBsaXWbmvBwaJCK5XTez_pIIrGWng-PMCrIoYcHt4Fi_X1qqA4R6TeIz-s6urAhwn6htERz6nbZuRS8xmskdlhTphv9pg_x7F_WJIfAxoOOcPQ12K1L-LraeXcRSpbeQkDK/s1600/Zombie+Lake+1.jpg" height="230" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><i>'</i>Wait...yeah, totally forgot my wallet'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><i>Shit. Now I know what my mother feels like when we speak on the phone.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><b>TEOS: </b>Speaking of final products, if I were editor Claude Gros, and I was at the cast and crew screening, I'm not sure if I'd be grinning or completely embarrassed that MY name is the one that pops up on the title screen right on top of a close-up of some French lady's very generous, er...hair-down-there. And his name is Gros, too, which is so perfect that I think that counts as at least seventeen jokes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, there's that Nazi zombie you mentioned. Even though he's water-logged, I can still tell his uniform is way over-starched.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Food for thought: Do you think Nazi zombies hate Jewish people, like, extra? Would they even want to eat them? Or is that a joke where if the wrong person at my office somehow reads it, it could get me fired...for being TOO awesome?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>:<i> That much I don't know, man. All I know is that this films owes me as much of an apology as the Third Reich owe the rest of the world.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>At the Mayor's office, Tits McGee's dad (?) is talking about how his daughter (?) hasn't come back yet. I don't know who these sick fuckers are but they can't even seem to muster up an appropriate emotional response between them.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>'I'm afraid she drowned' her father says, with all the passion of an abandoned dish cloth.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Back out at the lake, our zombie pal from before senses that women with wheel barrows are near-by and leaves the lake to investigate. He attacks the wheel barrow woman by aggressively kissing her neck. When he pulls his head up to dribble on her face, there are no bite marks or anything so it's pretty awkward. This is the shittiest fucking zombie I've ever seen.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS: </b>And you're right - it really does look like this ghoul is making sweet love to this dame, not feasting on her warm frog flesh. It would actually make me a little aroused, if I weren't already pretty aroused from that earlier scene with the naked broad swimming in neon green slop water.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, now that this wheel-barrow chick is finito, let's take a moment to stare at the zombie on screen and wonder when it was Stacy Keach snuck into this thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Three random men carry the woman's dead body through town as all kinds of upset passersby join the procession. Despite all the tears and forlorn looks, it's still less sad of a parade than the one when they hoist a statue of the Virgin Mary through the streets as everyone throws dollar bills as it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, apparently in this town, it's required to drop off dead bodies outside the mayor's office and just wait for him to come outside. Once that happens, cover the dead's naughty bits, because otherwise the mayor will just pounce that shit, I guess.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Mr Mayor, sir? Your two o'clock is waiting outside'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Relax, peasants; Sexy, sassy reporter lady is here and she's brought her camera and a copy of 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not' so the mystery of whoever's kissing these girls to death is as good as solved. She goes to see the Mayor to find out why the locals call the lake 'The Lake Of Ghosts' or whatever. The Mayor tells her a story about the second world war and how the allied forces seemed to be targeting terrible fucking actresses in fields. A German officer saves this girl and then falls over for no reason so his buddies take him to recuperate at a field hospital. She follows him there and after a pretty short convalescence, they meet up again and bang.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I once stopped a girl getting run down by a car but I didn't get this kind of treatment.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> During the non-stop banging scene, I literally got up, used the john, checked the weather forecast (MORE fucking snow), sent a couple texts to plan my weekend, came back, sat down, and the banging was still happening. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also find it a little odd that these two actors have to be full-naked for an extended period of time, nuzzling every tit and ball sac on screen, yet keep the closed-mouth kissing turned up to 11. I mean, at this point, you might as well get your rocks off. Fucking French people NOT French kissing during sex. What's that about?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR:<i> </i></b><i>It does seem odd that I now have intimate knowledge of what seems like the entire fucking population of this village past, present and probably future but tongue kissing is out of the mix.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Anyway, they have a kid who reappears a little later on (played in this movie by the cold, dead eyes of living statue who's staring into the future and contemplating the most efficient way to commit suicide). The Mom dies shortly after child birth and the Dad dies at the hand of some resistance fighters who gun him and the rest of his squad down in cold blood and dump their bodies in the lake. One of the resistance guys is the Mayor who looks like he kept aging until he was 65 and then just stopped.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Back in the present, the worst women's basketball team in the world turn up in their camper van and start stripping down to their smalls while a jaunty euro-porn theme plays on in the background. This may be the worst film I've ever seen.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> So far my favorite part of this movie was before I even put it on and I had finished watching Last of the Mohicans. Day-Lewis is TOPS in that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But okay, this piece of shit. Even though it was completely unintentional, I am really tickled by the sudden cut to a small girl sitting far off in the corner of a barn or something, but she's sitting in such a way that these huge sacks of grain look like she has gigantic fucking giant legs. So now instead of paying attention to this trainwreck, I am writing my own movie in my head called <b>Greta: The Girl With Legs So Gigantic She Killed Her Mother During Birth And Kicked All The Nurses Into Triage</b>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Rated 'R' for 'Really Huge Legs'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>After most of the girls basketball team have been butchered, the one remaining survivor stumbles into the village cafe completely topless, screaming about the lake and only the magic of this not being an Italian horror picture prevents her from being gang raped in the eye sockets by horny locals.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: The last time I was a girl AND naked AND giggling with other naked girls standing around a van, it...did not end well.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR:<i> </i></b><i>Meanwhile, the Mayor is having a conversation with the most relaxed police inspector in Europe and his fucking chess partner, or something. The inspector kind of thinks that the Mayor is losing his mind so he humours him and sends two detectives to the village to bunk off for a while.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> I sincerely hope you're not talking down on Spitz and Morane. Of ALL the detectives the mayor could have sent to handle this problem, he chose two of the most men who were ever men.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR:</b><i> That's a lot of men, to be fair. So potent is their virility, they could potential bring all the dead women in this village back to life simply by scratching their balls.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Back in the village, our zombie pal from before has spotted the old house where his bang buddy gave birth to their child and goes for a look round. Inside, he finds his daughter who's somehow only 12 years old...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Wait, what fucking year is this supposed to be?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> 1970-terrible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So here's the thing. I know we like to "suspend disbelief" and "turn a blind eye" to sometimes fantastic circumstances, all in the name of enjoying a film and having a nice time at the cinema. But come on - a fucking green-faced ghoul covered in blood randomly walks into the room of a little girl, looks at her with an undeniable look of lust, and begins to slowly undo his collar, and this little girl is going to grin like she just saw one of the dudes from One Direction (the one with the awesome hair) blow her a kiss? Is this really what I am seeing?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;">And is this zombie dude really all that touched to be back in this house? Fucking random emoting zombie. Leave it to the French to pussify the walking dead. Well, them and...The Walking Dead.</span><i> </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Dude! I don't know how you dare say something like that about AMC's 'Andrew Lincoln Looks At The Ground And Mutters'!</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Anyway, this guy is totally bucking for this film to be renamed 'My Zombie Dad' but it doesn't star Brian Bonsall and wasn't made in 1994.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> ...Yet</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR:<i> </i></b></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before the detectives even get a chance to ask 'Where were you on the night of the 7th?', they've been fucking eaten by Pond Hitlers. At this point, the Zombie Gang decide to head into the village where they ambush two people making out awkwardly after realising that they have the monopoly on unconvincing necking in this movie.</i><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> My absolute favorite zomb is all the way on the left, who comes out of the pond doing Jazz Hands.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'They're gonna LOVE me'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>There's kind of a 'revenge' motif going on here.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Wait a second...is this a really shit version of 'The Fog'?</i></span><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;">TEOS:</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"> I'm not sure...does it star Tom Welling?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Zing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know, if they're going to go out of their way to make these zombies Nazis, they're really missing out on at least having them do that really cool and belligerent Nazi march. You know, the one where their boots make those thunderous boot sounds while an entire nation sobs on their knees?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Hmm, I don't know man. I'm getting the feeling that this film is kinda trying to make me sympathise with Nazi's. I don't think I've ever watched a propaganda movie that was cut with euro-porn, before. It's not an entirely uncomfortable experience but I'm feeling a little ambiguous about it because I can't work out if the longing of a father for his daughters' love or the tits are turning me on the most.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>So anyway, now that they're on the march, one of the zombies comes across a woman fiddling with her suspender belt and in trying to help her, accidentally tears the flesh off her thigh. I guess. Fucking zombies are such ham-fisted assholes.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> I LOVE this one zomb who tears ass into the tavern and startles everyone, all so he can bypass all that throbbing potential man meat feast and turn over the card game table, instead, because he's REALLY anti-gambling, I guess.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And during this, an 80lb girl is just taking it upon herself to take a bath in her back yard in an apple bushel. It's about as sexy as you're thinking it's not. The zomb eats her but then looks really disappointed since it's like eating wings at the diner - there's just no fucking meat on them at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>So now that the zombies have finished randomly attacking the village and have fucked right off back to the lake for whatever reason, the Mayor assembles the townsfolk and tells them that it's 'obvious' that the zombies have declared war on the village so they decide to ambush them if they decide to come out that night. Maybe they should set a trap for them using a woman who's having difficulty with hosiery.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Something else I love? The close-up of blood splattering all over the ground, but with clear camera cuts peppered in between, as if the filmmakers would film the street, drop some blood, shut the camera off, ask, "Is...Is that enough blood?" and then most likely the fucking producer would step up and put away his Kindle and say "Needs more blood," so they would turn the camera back on and whip some more paint brushes covered in blood back down at the street. Then some wise-ass would say, "Well, that's all the blood we brought with us today," and someone would high five him and then everyone would really just enjoy living their lives since this is fucking France.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>I know, right? They basically invented putting chocolate into bread. That's fucking incredible. It's like a breakfast a 6 year old would come up with at gun point.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>The villagers ambush the zombies as they're walking through the town square but every single one of them is either really nervous around fire-arms or shooting at pigeons in another town square in another fucking country because not a single bullet or shell is hitting them. One of the villagers gets cornered in a stairwell and shoots Zombie Dad point blank in the stomach. This makes him really angry and you can tell because he starts foaming at the mouth.</i></span><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;">TEOS:</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"> Jesus Christ, MORE zombies are coming out of this lake. Didn't that flashback only show, like, two soldier corpses being tossed into it? Did those zombies open up a Facebook invite and solicit other dead Nazi zombies to take part in this nonsense? I officially call bullshit on you, Zombie Lake.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>I think they've just added more zombies at this point to up the tension level because lets face it, this movie has all the tension of wondering how Titanic was going to end (SPOILERS: Kate Winslet gets sick of the 12 year old kid who's been following her around and totally lets him freeze to death...seriously, that bit of wood she's on would have been big enough for her and Michael Clarke Duncan).</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS: </b>RIP</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Zombie dad goes for a quick reunion with his daughter who still doesn't seem at all phased that her dad a) smells like stagnant pond shit b) is green and c) is dead. He takes her for a walk down by the lake where they're confronted by the rest of his gang. What follows is something I never thought I'd see and/or type in my life;</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>A Zombie Knife Fight</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Fuck. My. Mouth.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Shit. This scene plays like two old people trying to fuck inside a Zoorb.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Disclaimer: This scene is rendered more dramatic if you mute your TV and play the fight music from Star Trek: The Original Series.</i></span><br />
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'<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">C-c-c-combo breaker!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> It's weird you mention that, since once I noticed I didn't have to actually listen to this garbage - only read the subtitles - I've been blasting Rammstein. It not only makes this scene more awesome, but if I didn't know any better, I would just think it was an official Rammstein music video, since those krauts are all out of their goddamned minds. (In case you were wondering, the current song playing was Bück Dich.) (And in case you were still wondering, bück dich means "bend over.")</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Needless to say, Zombie Lake made me bück dich tonight and proceeded to ramm my stein.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>I once saw this 'Family Values' tour with Rammstein and Till Lindemann had this prosthetic dick and he started pissing over the crowd...kinda feel like that was a metaphor for this dogshit that I'm watching now instead of Batman: The Animated Series.</i></span><br />
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<b><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">TEOS:</span></span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah Hammill!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR:<i> </i></b><i>Sassy Reporter Lady is back and the Mayor is telling her that the village is pretty much responsible for the zombies. She suggests napalm (duh!) and the Mayor acts like she's just worked out how to break the light speed barrier using only elastic bands and Calgon.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>The Mayor is reasoning with Zombie Daughter by telling her that her dad would want to be properly dead and that reducing him to a pile of ashes is the best gift she could ever give him. In return, I think he's going to pay for all the therapy she's going to need to stop her from giving her future husband an anniversary present of a dead clown covered in gasoline. She asks him to get her some fresh blood to bait them all into the old mill but then she says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She stares into the distance, vacantly. We all die when she reaches maturity.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS:</b> She keeps calling the zombs "ghosts," too, which...no, stupid girl. They are clearly not ghosts. They're not even fucking zombies if you really want to split hairs about it since their mythology is totally fucked here, but god, for the time being, fucking ghosts? You know that scene in Frankenstein where a tiny girl hands Frankenstein's Monster a daisy and he smiles at her and then fucking throws her in the lake and kills her?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Exactly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Zombie Daughter leads her Zombie Dad and his gang into the old mill on the promise of fresh blood but no one ever explains where this blood has come from. I guess I'm supposed to believe it's just available on tap or something. Fucking France.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>So the villagers burn the zombies and their dummy doubles alive/dead and Zombie Daughter stands by with the Mayor and cries. Lesson learned. I think. Wait, what the fuck have I just been watching for the last hour and a half? Bad horror or weird porn?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;">TEOS:</b><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"> I lied earlier when I made that Mohican crack. Turns out my favorite part of the movie was when I was allowed to turn it off and then play Call of Duty with my brother.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21.299999237060547px;"><b>EMR: </b><i>Yeah. All in all, this movie is as much fun as watching your ex kick a puppy to death.</i></span></span><br />
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">'Two Guys, One Quip' will soon return with: </i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><b>The Impossible Kid</b></i></div>
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Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-34547138106705262014-02-16T22:55:00.002+00:002014-02-16T22:55:40.747+00:00I Do Amazon Reviews - The Dark Knight Rises<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi63WVHKJvAFDLQOkA1n4JmruZf7OPcdv6tC101opWGDZ2n7PhkalGswjgGwUHJEH-hPu_F38d3ZF2U0RcUY4Ua4OJn6njNK-jfmJATSbCE3nM5x1-v1bpvcLGikfICGl-qEgAhkZ45ltK2/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi63WVHKJvAFDLQOkA1n4JmruZf7OPcdv6tC101opWGDZ2n7PhkalGswjgGwUHJEH-hPu_F38d3ZF2U0RcUY4Ua4OJn6njNK-jfmJATSbCE3nM5x1-v1bpvcLGikfICGl-qEgAhkZ45ltK2/s1600/photo.JPG" height="200" width="181" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes, I like to inflict my passive aggressive tendencies on established websites so I leave short, sharp stabs of sarcasm on Amazon. It's childish, really. I certainly don't do it for advertising because if there's one thing Amazon hates, it's allowing you to promote anything that they can't pretend isn't an ex-library copy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, in this new, ongoing feature, I'll be showcasing some of my Amazon reviews by showing you a screen capture of how it appears on the site. For our first installment, I'll be showing you my feelings on 'The Dark Knight Rises'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-38902145723003771572014-01-30T23:17:00.000+00:002014-01-30T23:17:26.636+00:00Remembering "Lois & Clark The New Adventures Of Superman"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQnaNR4rhpwJMgV7g2BbEhKRuCEOVBR1-8eAX5WzDVu1y6G-ZXEMuR1Kwout-QFpWPj6V6fIYmJ82Mo53gD-vYRIiycTRSoBXt2HQDnKm_ga8fGcESVF_l0Gv7CIJYuvwqoqD5Q_WV0rlg/s1600/Logo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQnaNR4rhpwJMgV7g2BbEhKRuCEOVBR1-8eAX5WzDVu1y6G-ZXEMuR1Kwout-QFpWPj6V6fIYmJ82Mo53gD-vYRIiycTRSoBXt2HQDnKm_ga8fGcESVF_l0Gv7CIJYuvwqoqD5Q_WV0rlg/s1600/Logo.JPG" height="298" width="400" /></a></div>
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Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-37375816663949996442014-01-09T01:24:00.000+00:002014-01-09T03:04:12.496+00:00Standards Of Living - Review and Q & A<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, sometime in October I started following this dude on the Twitter called Aaron Mento because his name sounded like fresh mints and he had lionised the greasy sax guy from The Lost Boys (which amused me because I thought I was the only person who felt he was more detrimental to the youth of Santa Carla than the fucking vampires).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />After bullshitting about this horn section abomination for a while, Aaron revealed to me that he is the director of a movie called 'Standards Of Living' and he'd be pretty happy if I were to review it for him. Typically, I accepted and then took three months to write about it because I'm an asshole.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Still, true to my word, I put something together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've got to admit, when he first asked me to have a look at his movie, I was concerned. A lot of indie flicks are out and out bullshit and while I've got to hand it to those guys for trying to make a flick because it's obviously something that they love doing, a lot of the time, indie movies just fucking suck. I've seen 'Camp Blood' and it was dogshit, man. Just no good. So, when I was asked to have a look at Aaron's movie, I was expecting another half-assed, badly edited, badly acted piece of shit directed by a dude who seemed like a nice guy and who's heart was in the right place but who I would then have to lie to about liking his diabolical fucking holocaust of a movie. Mercifully, I haven't had to do that because this film is the tits. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know in my usual column, I do nothing but give you major plot points and spoilers and gleefully pick through the detritus of cult cinema whilst saying 'Oh man, have you SEEN this shit?!' but I'm not doing that here. I ran through a couple of drafts for this review and found that in 90% of them, I was giving away too much. You NEED to watch it for yourself because, ultimately, it's an indie feature that needs your support but more importantly, giving you anything resembling the tiniest preconception about this movie will render it almost powerless. Sure, it warrants repeat viewings and that's down to the strength of the material but your first viewing...man, that's something different entirely.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is as spoiler free as I can get it;</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Peter is an aspiring comedian/magician but he's not so great at either of those things. After another un-inspired performance in front of a hostile crowd, Peter receives a phone call from a mysterious sponsor who offers him the chance to better himself. But it comes at a price.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anymore than that and I'd have to kill you, your family, everyone you've ever met and then turn the gun on myself (I'd use a gun. Is that cool?).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">'Standards Of Living' manages to be all kinds of special all in one go. It will give you; Allegories! Black humour! Romance! Mystery! Suspense! Gut churning violence! Peanuts! (more specifically, one peanut) but best of all it will give you an exceptionally well written, well acted, well directed independent feature which beggars the question 'Shit...if this guy had a budget of, say, a couple of mil...what the fuck could he do with that?!'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Below, you'll find a link to the movie on YouTube and I'd strongly suggest watching this movie before going any further (I did a quick Q&A with Aaron and while it doesn't contain *many* spoilers, it will infer certain turns of events within the film which you don't need ruining). There's a little summary coming up below the link and I'd pretty much stay away from that, too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, are you interested in watching the movie? (please click the link below);</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ev9oUjPGPJM" target="_blank">Yes! I trust you implicitly and want to watch 'Standards Of Living' immediately because it sounds fuckin' tits!</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not interested in watching the movie? (please click the link below);</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1345516736261_9640466.png" target="_blank">No! I'm not interested in watching an original production which has been lovingly and passionately crafted by a talented individual!</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, how do I define 'Standards Of Living'? Is it horror or is it sci-fi? Actually, it's a bit of both. To me, I can think of no greater bug bear to a director/actor/musician than to have their work compared to something else. Everyone wants to stand head and shoulders above the rest, right? But what the fuck do I know? I'm just an asshole with a laptop. 'Standards Of Living' wears it's influences on its sleeve and runs down the street naked, screaming them at you (the sleeve is metaphorical, obviously. You can't be naked and have sleeves. Unless you're an autonomous shirt that wears clothes). It's not ashamed to look and feel like the best 'Twilight Zone' episode you've never seen because it IS the best 'Twilight Zone' episode you've never seen. Earlier, I alluded to the movie warranting repeat viewings and I stand by that if only to fully absorb all the subtleties and quirks which you'll register on your first viewing but will probably want to explore further once the credits roll. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of the most interesting things about this movie is that I'd almost completely forgotten what minimal exposition and well rounded characterisation looked and sounded like. 'Standards' (I got bored typing it all out) has that rare commodity we once called 'originality'. It'll stick with you long after you've seen it and rightly so because the guys and gals behind this feature deserve your attention.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Below is the Q&A I carried out with writer/director Aaron Mento. I had a great time chatting to him about this picture and I hope you find his answers as fascinating as I did.</span><br />
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<b style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 21px;">Exploitation Movie Review: Ok, so thanks a lot for agreeing to answer a couple of questions for me. First of all, I really enjoyed this movie. How did you come up with the story?</b><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Aaron Mento: Well, I always liked the idea of "what if a magician could really make things disappear?" and wanted to answer the question "where do those things go to?" Also, I'm a big fan of The Twilight Zone and always wanted to do a very contained "big idea" kind of horror story. But I also wanted to explore a very controversial passage in the Bible. Some people cherry pick Bible passages and use them to justify being prejudiced towards gay people. What if another Bible passage was cherry picked and followed to the letter? This was very disturbing to me, and I thought it would hold up a mirror to how some people use the Bible to spread hate.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: I was going to say that the movie felt like it was shot through with a very 'Twilight Zone' feel and I could almost imagine a Rod Serling style monologue at the beginning. The religious allegories were very prevalent but subtle enough to not bog the film down. What was the significance of the sudden realisation that the picture in the bathroom was different? Does that directly link in with the religious prejudice?</b></span></span><br />
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<i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 18px;">AM: The picture being different was m</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 18px;">eant to show just how "behind-the-times" the other dimension was. In our dimension it's a clown, in the other dimension it's an african-american made to look like a stupid clown. This kind of racist artwork existed all over the place in our past, and the "african-american as clown" was a popular image. In the other dimension, slavery still exists, so this kind of racist imagery is normal there.</span></i><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: One of the things I loved the most about this film was that situations presented themselves without any sort of explanation such as Peter living in his friend's bathroom. Did you consciously kind of ignore exposition so that you could get down to the nitty gritty of the story?</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>AM: Glad you dug that! Yes, I really really worked on the screenplay so that there was very limited exposition and new twists and turns around every corner. To keep people's attention was my biggest challenge. It's very easy to dismiss a movie shot on an iPad, but not if the screenplay is good!</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: Exactly! I've mentioned in my review that independent films are easy to ignore because they're usually pretty bad although the spirit behind them is sound. In 'Standards Of Living' the writing, characterisation, acting and directing is very strong and it honestly does take away that feeling that it's an independent feature. In terms of the writing, were you trying to echo a writer or writers that you admire and if so who? And, directorially, what style did you have in mind when you went into directing the film?</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>AM: I really like Larry Cohen, and the craziness of "God Told Me To" was a big influence on "Standards of Living." Cohen made some really intriguing low budget horror movies that had great acting, characterization, and just wicked writing. I feel like the tone of my movie is kind of like "David Lynch meets John Landis" and both of those directors are also big influences. Shooting the movie was very challenging, because the iPad only has one lens and it's really wide. Also, I shot the whole thing hand-held. But I wrote the screenplay specifically for the iPad, so that weird "look" directly inspired the writing.</i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: The whole look reminded me of that story in 'The Twilight Zone Movie' about the kid who forced all the adults to indulge in his fantasy world. The Landis/Lynch comparison really shines through. I totally agree with that. Ok, so last question for you; what's next? (barring the Greasy Sax Guy movie you're obviously going to make)</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>AM: Yes, I must make that Greasy Sax Guy movie. Franchise? </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>But besides that, my feature horror screenplay "Survival High" was named a Top Ten Finalist at Cinequest and also just won First Runner Up at PollyGrind. It's about the ghost of an evil teacher who puts her students through a curriculum of death and torture. I really want to make this movie, and I'm determined to find others with the guts to help produce it. Also, I just wrote an 80's action throwback with a buddy of mine from LMU, and we're working on getting that made. So lots of exciting stuff on the horizon!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: Lastly, this film really is great and I'm not just saying that in the hope of getting a free t-shirt or something. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your productions in the future.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>AM: Very glad you enjoyed the movie, and thanks again for taking the time to check it out and review it! Been a blast talking with you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR: Thanks, Aaron!</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Follow me on Twitter (please): @</b>exploitmovie</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Follow Aaron Mento on Twitter (now): </b>@AaronMento</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-91230460085665172702013-12-11T01:32:00.000+00:002013-12-11T01:32:17.220+00:00Exploitation Movie Review and End Of Summer Blog Proudly Present...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-align: start;">A joint effort between <a href="http://www.jtonzelli.com/" target="_blank">The End of Summer</a> and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honour the cheesiest, oddest and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. Below you will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcasm and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. But some films are asking for it. This is one of them...</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>The End of Summer (TEOS)</b>: Legend has it that the feature film Robo Vampire was </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">created when two unfinished films were face-smashed together with all the finesse and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">caring of a Philadelphia sports fan. Hearing that, one might think Unfinished Movie # 1 </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">was a Robocop rip-off while Unfinished Movie # 2 was a vampire flick. But you'd be </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">wrong. That's actually all part of that first unfinished flick. Edited into that mess with </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">little-to-no technique is a random and quite boringly normal film about good guys trying to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">take down some drug dealers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though the final film is credited to Joe Livingstone, the film in actuality was _____ed by </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Godfrey Ho, mastermind behind the wonderful garbage that is Undefeatable. So, the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">question remains: Did Ho direct and abandon the robot/vampire film, or the boring drug </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">dealers film, or was he responsible for neither until some dude showed up with a trunk of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">negatives and said "make something from this garbage"?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Quite honestly I have no idea – hence my ambiguous blank space – but it doesn't really </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">matter, now does it? Robo Vampire exists. It's a thing. Just like Honey Boo Boo or </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Obamacare.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Exploitation Movie Review (EMR)</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first thing that is apparent about this movie is that the production value is, as you would probably expect, pretty poor and looks like it was made on a budget of “money I managed to find in the change tray of a vending machine.”</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: It shows, although it tries to start off with immense excitement. Robo</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Vampire begins in Unfinished Movie # 1, where a bunch of soldiers are forcing some </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">drug dealers at gunpoint to march. They come upon coffins filled with snakes and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">immediately become terrified. I would be too, if an unseen film crewmember were hidden </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">inside those coffins and obviously throwing snakes at me.</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EMR</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the soldiers get spooked by the snakes in the coffins, they react in a pretty unreasonable way that betrays their undoubtedly high standard of training: by shooting the shit out of the snakes, which explode in a way that makes me think they were packed with TNT or something, so that’s pretty weird.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Before someone can make a "watch out for snakes!" joke, turns out snakes aren't </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the only scary thing in those coffins, but also vampires. Chinese vampires. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now before you send me a meme of a black kid saying “That’s racist,” let me </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">clarify that I specified the ethnicity of these vampires for one simple reason: In Chinese </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">mythology, vampires hop. They do not run, walk, or sprint. They only hop. And that's not </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">just Robo Vampire mythology, but honest-to-gosh established Chinese mythology.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Yep. They totally hop.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Fucking China.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Also, I’m not so sure these army guys are professionals, because there’s a quick, </i></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">off-setting shot of one of them wearing hi-top Converse and I don’t think any army would </i><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">be so quick to dispense with those cumbersome, regulation boots in favour of the </i><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">comfort and style of some Chuck Taylor All-Stars.</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: The vampire kills off the American soldiers and the remaining drug dealers flee in </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">joy. And this is all pre-title sequence, baby.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>The pre-credits sequence made me feel like I was having a stroke, but it </i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>completely sets up the tone of the movie, so I’ll give it a pass.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">For his birthday, Billy's dad bought him a fucking Chinese vampire</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I really like this next sequence, because in one simple sentence, the entire </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">film is summed up, and if you were out buying SnoCaps or something during this </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">part, you’d have no fucking idea what was happening during the rest of the film.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, at an ominous drug dealers meeting, Head Drug Dealer is super pissed off at Head </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anti-Drug Agent, who I think is named Tom, so he's going to be hiring a Taoist to "train </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the vampires to deal with him."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Training vampires." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And we're not even five minutes in. I mean…that’s fucking fantastic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>This head drug dealer guy asks his men to contact headquarters and get them to </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">find a new way to smuggle in the heroin. As a solution to their problem, it’s such a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">nonchalant request, put to them in an overly casual way. I can’t help but think this is a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">logistics operation like UPS or DHL and there’s a customer services department set up </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that specifically deals with this kind of shit: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“What’s that? Border patrol stopped the boat and took the entire shipment? Ok, well </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">have you thought about packing the drugs in your asshole...? Not a problem, thanks for </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">calling Drug Shipment Solutions and have a nice day.”</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s not the request that bothers me, it’s the way that logic apparently works in this guy’s </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">mind, like a kid who thinks that you’d buy a new dog from ‘The Dog Store.’ </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also, I’m pretty sure that these men thought the life of a drug dealer would be like the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">montage from Scarface and not this black magic crap. These poor bastards are </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">probably wondering where their lives went so wrong and when “Push It To The Limit” is </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">gonna kick in instead of the impending “yumma-yumma-yumma-yumma-yahmma” </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Vampire incantation bullshit.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: So, color me ignorant in the ways of Chinese culture, but, tell me if this </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">makes sense: At the drug stash house, two guys with Chinese faces and non-Chinese </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">names are doing stuff with the drugs, and Ken lights incense, bows, and says "Bless our </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">drugs." Did we learn this in world history and just completely forget about it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>I hear that this totally works and nothing bad ever happens ever if you do this. </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Plus, in the setup for this scene, you get two racial stereotypes for the price of one </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">because Ken is clumsy and nervous and speaks like a black maid circa 1890.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: That’s true. Tony, likewise, bows to the dozen vampires that are there in some </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sort of comatose state and says, "Thank you, vampires," so, drug dealers or not, at </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">least they’re genial.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>While Tony is busying himself with a severely undercooked chicken, Ken is </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">dicking about and treating this whole situation like it’s a Halloween lawn display. He </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">starts to light some lamps and Tony warns him that if he starts a fire, the vampires will </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">wake up, but Ken disregards this advice because this is a totally reasonable time not to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">believe in the mythology.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: And then, don’t you know it? Ken burns his cock with the cigarette that's </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">sticking out of a vampire's mouth and screams, and all the vampires wake up. It’s not a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fire exactly, but Ken’s balls would beg to differ, so…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Ok, fair enough. Perhaps he was right not to believe that the fire would wake them </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">up, and Tony has been an irresponsible asshole for not warning his buddy that </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">screaming cock burn can also disturb the vampires from their slumber, but these </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">motherfuckers need better health and safety regulations in this work place.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'...Thomas!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: But it’s all good, yo. The dusty vampires are punched around until the</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">aforementioned Taoist enters and takes care of shit by reapplying the binding spells to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the front of the vampires' faces and they go back into their slumber thing. Then he says, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Let me take a look of those drugs." He does the dip-n-lick and determines the drugs are </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">actually rice powder, not heroin. So now they need to figure out at what point they got </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fucked (This may or may not ever be resolved).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>I’m going to say it; I didn’t understand a single fucking thing that happened in that </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">scene… Later, main drug dealer guy goes to a meeting at the harbour with some other </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">undisclosed drug guys who seem to be just chilling out on a boat and tells them they’re </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">not in the “drug smuggling business” anymore, but in the “body smuggling business” </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(along with their chain of pet stores called ‘The Dog Shop’). I don’t know if this drastic </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">change of direction is going to fuck up their 401K, but they don’t seem too phased by this </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">change and go back to just standing around the boat from before and looking suspicious.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the next scene, it’s clear that Drug Solutions PLC have come up with a revolutionary </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">idea for smuggling drugs, because this chick is cutting open a dead </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">cow/pig/horse/whatever, stashing the drugs inside the body of the animal, and sewing it </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">back up. This would have been the most ingenious scene of the entire film if it hadn’t </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">done me the disservice of ruining 'The Empire Strikes Back' for the rest of my life.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">'And I thought these drugs smelled like rice...on the outside'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: White guys show up and, for whatever reason, act as if they're not scared of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">vampires, even going so far as to laugh at this whole affair. (I mean, come on. I know </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">white people are arrogant, but, be fucking scared of vampires. They will hop and eat </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">you) For added protection (and hilarity), the white dudes wear garlic around their necks </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(and make them look like really nonplussed tourists fresh off a seventeen-hour plane </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ride).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>One of these white guys seems to have had a seamstress knock together an adult </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">size jumper that looks like the one he bought his 2-year-old son for Christmas. It’s </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fabulously inappropriate for a black magic meet-up and casts serious aspersions over </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this dude’s mental state. I’m hoping he’s not developmentally disabled or anything like in </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that movie Jack.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In addition to the snakes in the vampire’s coffin, someone’s thrown a gerbil in there as </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">well. I did some research and I don’t think it’s for good luck or anything. Looks pretty </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">cute, though. For the remainder of this scene, I was mostly worrying about the gerbil.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: As the main vampire is waking up, a ghost woman crashes the party and she </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">begins a diatribe so long-winded and complicated that at one point the Taoist slowly </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">turns away from her and looks right into the camera as if to say, "This is fucking brutal, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">isn't it?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>I’m still really fuckin’ worried about that gerbil.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: He’s fine, dude. He was adopted by a rather famous Hollywood actor…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Does anyone have a mouth gun?'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Oh, so, turns out this vampire the Taoist was about to awaken was this chick's </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">once-husband, so she totes takes this all kinds of personal. Her monologue about it is so </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">long that it's actually still happening long after you'll have peaced off to bed, gotten up, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">gone to work, repeated this for fifty more years, retired, caught a fish, lost a fish, and then </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">died. Plus fifty more years.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The good thing about this unending ghost monologue is that her shirt is see-through, so </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">enjoy those tits, boys.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Originally I thought the tits would throw me off and make me miss some of the key </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">plot points in this movie, and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. However, I can </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">happily report that the tits are subtly displayed so as to not detract from the intensity of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the drama.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At one point during Ghost Tits’ monologue, the Taoist explains that she and the Vampire </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">guy could never have been together, because he is from the East and she is from the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">West. This made me think that the only way they could ever reconcile their differences in </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the eyes of the stuffy, autocratic society was through the medium of modern street dance </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">like in Footloose or Save The Last Dance. As much as you and I want that to happen, it </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">isn’t to be. The closest you’ll get is a fight scene where the Taoist’s shoes create sparks, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">which I’m choosing to believe is an allegory for sexual tension.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: While that is a bummer, we DID get tits and shoe sparks, after all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, next, the Taoist finally awakens the vampire husband (human name Peter) and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">commands him to fight Ghost Tits. He does, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing a gorilla </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">mask. Lots of hopping and kung-fu happens and I swear – no bullshit – the scene </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">concludes with one of the white guys suggesting the ghost and the vampire get married.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hey, this movie is kind of like Big Trouble in Little China, only it's fucking terrible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>I have to concur. Watching this movie is like rubbing your face in myxomatosis.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'You're a hopeless romantic, Steve'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Shut the fuck up, Terry'</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: While trying to smuggle out some drugs, the dealers run afoul of some soldiers, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">who actually do a good job of taking most of them out. The Taoist calls on his army of the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">loyal hopping undead to assist. The vampires use mouth smoke and sleeve sparks to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">dispatch these soldiers with ease – one of them being Tom, that main anti-drug agent the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">bad guys were way worried about. (RIP Tom!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>My favourite moment of this scene was when the Taoist visibly remembers that </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">he’s some kind of wizard, in charge of a shit load of vampires. Things could have gotten </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">awkward back there if he’d been taken into custody and then realised that he’s a master </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">of the dark arts.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Yeah, it’s kind of like lying on your couch and being super hungry before </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">remembering you have that leftover quesadilla from Applebee’s in the fridge and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">– bonus! – you love to eat that shit cold.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Also, the fact that the head vampire with the gorilla mask can shoot fireworks from </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the sleeves of his robe proves that this is the least racially sensitive movie since anything </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">produced in Berlin between 1939 and 1945.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I especially like this next sequence, too. Let’s just say I wish all aspects of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">life were this fucking cut-and-dry. At the hospital, other military personnel receive the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">news that Tom is dead. Without missing a beat, and with nary a look of mourning, one </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">man turns to another and says, "Since Tom is dead, I want to make use of his body to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">make an android-like robot."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"All right."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>One of these guys, who’s apparently this other guy’s commanding officer, despite </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the fact that he looks about 25 years his junior, tells this other army dude that the most </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">important thing for him to remember is “that this project needs to be carried out in the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">strictest confidence, so don’t you worry about the moral and philosophical implications of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">your actions – just make sure no one knows what’s going on because, to be frank, this </span></i><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">idea of yours to turn Tom into a robot is nothing short of fucking insane and I’m trying to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">bang Stephanie from Maintenance and if she finds out about this shit, she won’t even </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fucking look at me again without wanting to cry.”</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Not all of that is verbatim.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I’d hope not. Who’d want to willingly bang a chick who LOOKS like a chick </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that works in Maintenance?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, literally that same day, the experiment is complete and Tom has become Robo-Tom </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Welcome back, Tom!). Off he goes, without a single fucking word spoken to him about </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">who he is, what he's become, or what his mission is. It just immediately cuts to the next </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">scene and he's man-handling a bunch of dudes. Looks like this whole android-like robot </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">idea is really paying off!</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">EMR</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">: </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can barely cope with this turn of events.</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'We have the technology. We can rebuild him. But I want my retarded niece to supervise'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: At an attempted nearby drug smuggle, Robo-Tom shows up and begins pumping </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">lead into a vampire, but the blood-sucker throws in the towel and vanishes into a puff of </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">smoke. Robo-Tom continues to fire rounds at the empty ground anyway because he’s </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">self-destructive and a little depressed. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, in Unfinished Movie # 2, an anti-drug agent has been kidnapped and the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hero of THIS story, Bill, is tasked with rescuing her. You'll soon agree that Unfinished </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Movie # 2 is boring as sin, and frankly – when compared to the completely gonzo </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfinished Movie # 1 – isn't even worth analyzing. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>I thought about delving a little bit more into the plot of Unfinished Movie # 2, but </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">then I realised that I was transmogrifying into a Kafka-esque nightmare that my family </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and friends no longer recognise. </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can’t even make heads or tails of this bullshit, so I’ll just say what I see. These </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">henchmen start shooting up a church (seriously, don’t even ask me how this came to be </span></i><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">because it’s literally happening right now, as I’m writing. I’ve got the movie in front of me </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and it’s worse than a Motley Crue video) and there’s this nun who’s apparently a DEA </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">agent in disguise or something. She’s immediately overpowered and threatened with </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">unrequested drug dealer dick. Whilst being given a dose of exposition by the henchmen, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this chick looks like she’s coping with the intensity of the situation by pretending to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">shower. Some other shit happens. It’s fucking stupid.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Don’t worry, because we’re back in Unfinished Movie # 1, where Robo-Tom </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">clomps his big stupid metal feet around a beach and then fights some vampires. Then </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the drug dealers blow him the fuck up with a rocket launcher. Seriously, if your eyes </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">work, first you'll see a pile of metal eviscerated by an explosion, but then after a quick </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">cut, he's merely on fire. And then after another quick cut, Robo-Tom is suddenly, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">befuddlingly, back in the lab being worked on by his scientist creators because he's </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">pretty dead. (RIP Tom!) I'm not sure how he even got there, but the point is: Nothing can </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">keep Robo-Tom down.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>The fuck is this shit? Has he been built by the People’s Army Of Dumb Fuck </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Island? Is that even a place? I doubt that’s even a place. I don’t know. Look, basically </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">he’s a shit cyborg. One of the scientists rebuilding Robo-Tom says that the damage isn’t </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that serious, but being on fire and exploding is pretty fucking serious. Imagine if your </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">microwave oven did the same thing.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“Oh my fuck! The kitchen’s on fire!”</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>“Yeah, it’s cool. I just need to change the fuse.”</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Well, the good news is fixing Robo-Tom is just as easy as fixing a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">microwave. They tinker with him a bit and then he's good to go and back out in the field. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Welcome back, Tom!) </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But then we end up back in Unfinished Movie # 2, and I gotta say, man, I just don't </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fucking care about anything going on here. The attempt to make something "serious" </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">with this movie is so badly juxtaposed against the other completely insane story that </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">these random diversions feel like hitting a brick wall. Knowing there are robot cops and</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> hopping vampires in the other reel makes sitting through these portions feel like Chinese </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">water torture, which, ironically, is actually a plot device utilized in Unfinished Movie # 2. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s a pity it didn’t know it could have used itself as torture.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Yeah, the water torture scene is pretty brutal, if only because the henchman who’s </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">in charge of administering the torture tells the woman being tortured that soon she’ll be </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">begging them to finish her off, which, for an instant, made me think that maybe there was </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">an unfinished soft-core porn movie being mashed in with these other two movies as well.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some of those DEA agents from a while ago are going to try and save her, but I really </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">don’t give a fuck, because it’s like this shit’s happening on a different channel entirely.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: You might’ve been on the right track re: porn. We’re back to Unfinished Movie # 1/Robo-Tom, and I actually hear soft-core porn music…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Oh, ok! Maybe there IS another unfinished movie coming into play, here…</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Come in me, Bro'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Ghost Tits seductively beckons to Peter, her gorilla-faced vampire husband, to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">come take her in the throes of passion. And he does.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Awwhhh shiiiiit…I say that, but this scene’s as sexually appealing to me as </i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>smashing bowling balls into buckets of medical waste.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: That is until Robo-Tom shows up to totally cock-block Peter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>That motherFUCKER! It’s inexcusable, cybernetic organism or not. However, it </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">does add some credence to my theory that all cock blockers are designed and built in a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">government lab…but fuck this movie. How DARE it try and teach me things.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: At this point, there is absolutely nothing in Robo-Vampire that makes any sense, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">because the ghost begs Robo-Tom to let their sex happen before he kills them so their </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">love may be consummated. Robo-Tom, having a flashback to his pre-robot days (and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">good luck being able to see a single fucking thing during this too-dark sequence) when </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HE almost had sex but then didn't, declines that request.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>This is…just…so bad.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I know, dude. And to make matters worse…we're back to Unfinished Movie # </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2 again. (Fast-forward!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Yeah, I’m not even going to try and pass comment on Unfinished Movie # 2. I </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">honestly tried to make sense of this turd, but an error message flashed up on my monitor </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">suggesting that a more profitable use of my time would be for me to kill my wife and cut </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">off my own penis, so I thought it best not to continue watching it.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I’d watch that if that were a movie. Is that weird?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whoa, Unfinished Movie # 1 is getting pretty hardcore. The drug dealers are pleading to </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“get rid of that robo warrior!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>It’s a valiant effort to get this fucking thing back on track, I have to admit.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Terror</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: "Drop your weapons in fifteen seconds!" Robo-Tom, who is suddenly there, oddly </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">demands to the drug dealers. He then begins counting down from fifteen (kind of a </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">generous amount of time to allow them to comply). Thankfully no one complies and </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Robo-Tom shoots them all with his perpetually loaded shotgun. The vampires come out </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">in full force, ready to smack him around and up to the tops of buildings, but Robo-Tom </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">dispatches all of them and then chases down Peter into the heart of the city, where their </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">final confrontation unfolds on the brightly lit streets of China City.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>The lead-in to this scene starts with a tasteful close-up of Robo-Tom’s dick.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: Well, he needs that when nailing the maid from The Jetsons.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, I think we’re coming to the end here. Robo-Tom chases Peter over a bridge; </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Peter hops awkwardly away from him as Robo-Tom follows slowly behind, his awful </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"loud metal" footsteps sounding more like Keds against a kickball. And in the </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">confrontation no one was waiting for, the ghost woman and the Taoist end up duking it </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">out. Tits happen, along with some blood, and then she claws his face, which kills him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>That’s actually the second time in this movie that a female character chooses to </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">end a villain’s life by scratching his face. If it happens more than once, then it’s science, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">right?</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: I’m pretty sure that’s the rule.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Robo-Tom and Peter end up back in a den of other vampires and Robo-Tom literally </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">begins kicking them until they spit out chop suey and expire. Other vampires start </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hopping around him in circles and laughing in vampire glee, but then he just kills them </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">all, because he's a robot and they're not. Then he sets Peter on fire and he totally wins.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>EMR</b>: <i>Robo-Tom stands amidst the carnage for a moment, silently and awkwardly </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">considering the full gravitas of the bullshit of which he has been a part. Then the title card </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">kicks in and you immediately feel like you’ve wasted a thousand years of your life.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This movie is worse than your own mother telling you that she doesn’t love you anymore. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are Christian Aid workers who would kill themselves even if they were watching </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this movie from behind a protective shield, in another country, in the past. This film </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">throws up more unanswered questions than the Kennedy assassination and makes as </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">much sense as an eggplant with a dick. Basically, it kind of upset me.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>TEOS</b>: If it makes you feel any better, the gerbil sends his regards.</span><br />
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-align: start;">'Two Guys, One Quip' will soon return with: </i></div>
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<i style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; text-align: start;"><b>Zombie Lake</b></i></div>
Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-77671104608777137102013-11-23T14:09:00.000+00:002013-11-23T14:23:22.442+00:00Sunshine Award Nominations AKA Hey! You! You stay awesome, ya hear?<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, this is pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. A friend of mine on the Twitter has nominated me for a Sunshine Award which is a fucking tits thing of him to do (you can follow him by searching for @Barry_Cinematic). I think it's like just something nice to do for your buddies. I don't think you get invited to a ceremony or anything. I don't know. It's still awesome to be mentioned by someone and after all, this is why we do what we do, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After having a look at the rules and regulations which come as a part of my nomination (nothing's ever fuckin' free, right?), it looks like I've got to use this logo at some point in my blog post...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have to link this to the person who nominated me (I'll have to do that in a minute because to be able to link it to Barry right at this moment in time would mean that I would have traveled to the future or something).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have to answer 10 questions about myself and I can either use the ones I can see on Barry's post or make up my own. Ok, here we go;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What is your most shameful movie confession?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>I've never seen Point Break</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite animal?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>I like predators so birds of prey, wolves, big fuckin' cats, that kind of thing. You ever seen slow-mo footage of an owl coming towards a camera with its talons out and shit? Fuckin' spiders.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite non-alcoholic drink?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Well, I don't drink anymore so all of my favourite drinks are non alcoholic. At the minute, it's Cherry Coke but I can't be drinking no soda pop all the time so I mostly stick to tea.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite genre of music?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Punk and Post Punk (XTC, Joy Division, PiL, Wire) but then one of my favourite bands in the world is The Who. I'm also really digging UK based bands Future Of The Left and Young Knives.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite T.V show?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Star Trek - Original Series, Deep Space Nine and TNG although I am warming to Enterprise a bit more.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite movie-going memory?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A.<i> There's a cinema pretty local to me called the Phoenix and they have these celebratory weekends which honour particular genre's or periods of movie making and one year I was at their Sci-Fi Movie festival where they were going to be screening 2001: A Space Odyssey. When it came round to the viewing, a guy stood in front of us in the audience and told us that we were extremely privileged to be watching an original print of the movie, sent in its original film cans with a xerox copy of the original letter Stanley Kubrick sent to all the movie theatres which screened 2001 way back in 1968, that gave specific orders for lighting, sound mix and even the length of the interval. Pretty special. Just seeing that movie on the big screen was incredible.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's the movie that most people love that you dislike?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Nolan's Batman movies. I'm not going to go into specifics right now. I just think they're complete dog shit.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite short film?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Years ago, I was shown this Batman fan-flick called 'Batman - Dead End' and it's fucking sick. I won't go into the plot for anyone who hasn't seen it, I just recommend finding it on YouTube and watching it immediately.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your passion?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i>Sounds dumb but movies. I get a massive kick out of watching them, writing about them, talking about them.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Q. What's your favourite soundtrack?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. <i> I have favourite composers. Those are; John Carpenter, Ennio Morricone, Lalo Schifrin, Alan Silvestri, James Horner, Jerry Goldsmith probably Goblin/Fabio Frizzi. I guess some of my favourite soundtracks are the ones for Star Trek II - The Wrath Of Khan and Star Trek III - The Search For Spock, Escape From New York and The Fog and probably Profondo Rosso because it sounds like Goblin were watching an entirely different movie when they wrote that soundtrack.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, so that's all done. Now I need to nominate 10 bloggers;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This chick is one mean pussy cat with whom you should not fuck -</span></div>
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<a href="http://fasterpussycatblog.tumblr.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Faster Pussycat Blog - A Celebration Of Strong Women In Film. The Ladies That Own The Screen</b></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I would do a hug with this man - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://the-end-of-summer.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">The End Of Summer - offering musings on darker/offbeat films, music and lit; borrowed creepy stories; other things to make you uncomfortable</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I would also do a hug with this man - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://grindhousearchives.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Grindhouse Archives - Exploitation and Cult Cinema Webzine</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Delightful and profoundly moving musings are to be found right here -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://moonbeammcqueen.com/" target="_blank">Moonbeam McQueen - Writer, blogger, author of The Watch and Peculiar Rhymes and Intimate Observations</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Antipodean pleasures are located just left of - </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://myauralfixation.com/" target="_blank">My Aural Fixation - Music blog with reviews & interviews, news & gig updates, & general banter</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She writes because she fuckin' wants to, ok? -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://thingsifiguredoutwhileiwaswalkingthedog.com/" target="_blank">Bonnie Hake - Writer</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He watches this shit so you don't have to -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://mondoexploito.com/" target="_blank">Mondo Exploito - The blog that sifts through the stinking afterbirth of cinema</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I once made a faux pas with this lady but she forgave me and we moved on -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://splatterday.org/" target="_blank">The Pope Of The Church Of The Splatter Day Saints - Misanthropy incarnate</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He once broke Robert Zdar's chin. That's no bullshit - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><b>Wide, Weird World Of Cult Films - A cult film review site where I list six things I've learned from each film. Short and to the point, like a midget pinhead</b></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like Poirot, Holmes, Marple and...Ironside. I guess Ironside - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://5minutedetective.com/" target="_blank">Detective Frank - Some say time is on their side; I prefer to say I walk alone with a stopwatch in my pocket</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, cool I think we're done. All that's left to do is let those people know that you've nominated them by putting a comment on their website and then you do all this shit again for yourself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As Barry mentioned, if this just isn't your thing and this is all just a bit confusing to you (which it is to me) then just rest assured in the knowledge that if I could buy a house big enough for all of us, I would and we'd stay up all night playing games and eating cake.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thanks again to Barry P. You really are a delicious bastard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Follow me on Twitter</b> (please): @exploitmovie</span></div>
Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-29965142868297841672013-10-29T21:03:00.000+00:002013-10-29T21:03:00.779+00:00Demons AKA The Most Convoluted Apocalypse Ever<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, so it's Halloween and in keeping with that theme, I've decided to review a personal favourite of mine, called 'Demons'. This movie was directed by Mario Bava's son, Lamberto and has a screenplay co-written by Dario Argento so the pedigree behind it is pretty good. 'Demons' has some of my absolute favourite Euro-Horror tropes in that it's a simple story told in the most ludicrous and overly complicated way possible, it's littered with characters who serve as nothing more than ridiculously over developed diversionary tactics and red herrings which make less sense than a pig with tits. It also has a soundtrack which is totally out of place for the most part and I'm pretty sure that Claudio Simmonetti samples 'In The Hall Of The Mountain King' for the main title theme but the tempo makes it sound whimsical and completely ruins the atmosphere. As a concept, this movie is fucking nuts. As movie, it's even worse. Get yourself bedded in because this is a fucking long one even compared to my other reviews. Lets go... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The movie starts on a train with one of our main characters called Cheryl. She looks to be the goody-two shoes kind of character because she's dressed in that frumpy way that all goody-two shoes characters were dressed in the eighties. She's on the train because she's heading to class and she's holding a book about Bartok so you're left thinking she's a sophisticated chick. So, while she's on the train, she's getting freaked out by all the punk looking dudes and the old weirdos when she catches a glimpse in the train window of a guy wearing what looks like a metal mask over half of his face. I don't know if this is a common thing. She acts like she's seen it before and it's something she's regularly scared by but it's not really that common a sight on public transport. Anyway, she's freaked out and when the train pulls up and she gets off, she's all of a sudden left alone on the platform. She thinks she's ok but she hears all this clinking and shit and these footsteps from behind her. She starts to make her way to the exit and once again, she thinks she's safe but she bumps into the guy with the metal mask over half his face and it looks like he's wearing a bin bag with buttons on it. There aren't any chains and he isn't wearing spurs or anything so I don't know why he was clinking so much. Maybe it's a lot of change in his pockets or galvanised shower curtain hooks or something. Anyway, you think this guy is going to kill her and sex in her eye sockets but all he does is hand her this gold ticket to a cinema called the 'Metropol'. He walks off and starts handing out more of these tickets to people in the train station. Cheryl thinks that it's a perfectly reasonable course of action to catch up to this guy and ask for another ticket because she's meeting a friend and what better way to spend your evening than going to a cinema you've never heard of with two golden tickets given to you by a clinking weirdo at a train station? Cheryl asks the guy if he's dressed like that for the promotion of the film but he just kind of smirks and walks away again. He never even looks her in the eye when he gives her the ticket which is kind of confusing because (spoilers) he's obviously setting up the whole 'demonic possession' deal at the cinema so why does he look kind of ashamed of what he's doing? You know what, actually, hold onto that thought. We'll come back to it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'My heart just isn't in this ruse but I spent two hours in make-up for this shit so just take the damn ticket'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Outside the train station, Cheryl meets up with her friend Kathy who looks like she might be a bit of a trouble maker. She's dressed a bit sexier than Cheryl but in a shock twist, it turns out that Cheryl is the one who enjoys nothing more than ditching class so she can be stabbed in strange movie theater's. Cheryl shouts Kathy from literally about 10 feet away and suggests skipping school and going to the Metropol. Kathy tries to reason with Cheryl and asks her if she thinks going to this movie theatre is a good idea but Cheryl is clearly insane and before you know it, they're outside the Metropol. Cheryl never explains where she got these tickets. It's the kind of thing you'd tell a friend, right? I don't know. Their relationship seems fundamentally flawed if Cheryl is psychotic enough to accept tickets from a train platform rapist in a bin bag and not tell her friend that this is how she acquired them and Kathy is fucking retarded for not just saying 'Bitch, is you crazy?!'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Inside the cinema, things are heating up. You're treated to a slow, sexy shot of the usherette touching her legs and making sure her stockings aren't all ruffled and shit. She looks at herself in the mirror and turns to face the camera so you're thinking to yourself at this point that this treacherous snake whore is probably going to be a key element in this demonic take over but (spoilers) she isn't. There are loads of other moments a little later on where you think that this chick is definitely on the side of evil but (spoilers) she isn't. I can't stress to you enough just how not-evil this character is. Sorry. I'm fixated on her because this character is the dumbest fucking red-herring I think I've ever seen in a movie. Anyway, back to the action and the people who have been developmentally disabled enough to turn up are all piling into the cinema. You can tell that this is a classy affair because in addition to the gold tickets (which look totally real and not like someone cut up a </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">lamé</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> coat and wrote 'Metropol' on it), there's a dirt cross bike in the foyer which is on a pedestal and it's being ridden by a dummy carrying a samurai sword in one hand and a demonic mask in the other so that's appropriate and makes total sense. One of the character's, called Frank, has turned up with his wife and he mentions that the building was condemned and that someone must have spent a fortune on the renovation. I'll level with you, I think Frank is a piece of shit. There's no two ways about it. He has a huge attitude problem and he's fucking whining to his wife about something or other and she basically asks him to calm down because they want to have a nice evening because it's their anniversary. Frank's response to this is that she should relax because he's brought her to a show and she shouldn't really want anymore. Please feel free to remember at this point that this is a free show at a previously condemned cinema which they have only been able to attend because of tickets given to them by a chrome plated maniac who clinks for no reason. Total dick seam.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;">'What? I aint hit ya tonight, have I? Yet'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, elsewhere in the foyer, we meet some of our other main protagonists who are due for the the traditional euro horror treatment. There's George and Ken who are two rapey looking dudes wearing slacks who spot Cheryl and Kathy trying to negotiate a can of coke from a vending machine and spend part of their screen time pouring praise on the generic looking dirt bike in the foyer. There's Tony The Pimp (who is a pimp) and his two whores Rosemary and Carmen who he's treated to a night off from the dick with free cinema tickets and up to 45% less bitch-slapping, Hannah and Tommy who are two young lovers of no consequence and a blind guy called Werner who's with his carer, Liz; the most in-compassionate carer in the universe (more from her later). Oh and Werner looks like a Blind Harry Dean Stanton. I usually refer to him as such when discussing this movie with friends but I'll continue to call him Werner for the remainder of this article because it's easier to type but feel free to call him Blind Harry Dean Stanton when you're out and about. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Continuing the action in the foyer, Werner has randomly decided to start reaching out to feel his surroundings when he accidentally touches the dummy on the dirt bike. He tells Liz not to touch it despite the fact that she's not paying any attention to what's happening and she isn't six years old. Rosemary the whore has spotted the demonic looking mask hanging from the dummy on the bike and she's picked it up and started horsing around with it by putting it on her face and trying to scare Carmen When she takes the mask off, she's managed to cut her cheek and Tony chides her, telling her 'that'll teach (her) to touch things' so there's a lot of good, strong fatherly advice flying around in this foyer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">'Liz! Liz! Stop doing what I'm about to tell you to start doing again. It doesn't need to make sense, I'M BLIND!'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Next, all of our cast from before are getting themselves seated ready for the movie that they know nothing about. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>--Seriously though, as far as schemes to bring about the end times go, this one has been pretty fucking complex so far. Think about it; this is a previously condemned building which has been completely and totally renovated for the purposes of this single night by beings who are putting a lot of faith in the ultimate stupidity of people turning up to a show, which they don't know the content of, with tickets given to them by a mute psychopath in a train station. Think of everyone you know and think about how many of them would willingly show up to the screening of a film they know nothing about after being given tickets by a weirdo. It's madness. Complete and total fucking insanity. Half Mask Man from earlier in the movie may have had, say, 100 tickets. If he gives out every single one of them, this means he's relying on 100 complete fucking idiots showing up to a holocaust which he's not really done a great job of making it seem like it's innocuous. Anyway, back to the movie-- </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cheryl and Kathy have sat kind of near the front, as have Tony and his whores. George and Ken skulk in and slither over to Cheryl and Kathy (I don't know why I'm giving them such a hard time. They're actually pretty nice kids and Cheryl is <i>totally </i>into anonymous, cinema hook ups). The film starts what seems like half way in and has pretty good production value considering that it doesn't even really need to exist. The films shows these four kids riding up to the ruins of a house or something on motorbikes. Maybe motorbikes are something these demons need in order to possess everyone, like they need to be in the background or something. I don't think they play an active part in a ritual or anything, I think the demons just like motorbikes. I don't know. It's fucking stupid. Anyway, these kids have pulled up at these ruins. There's two guys and two girls and one of the guys is actually Half Mask Man but with his face intact (I must have watched this through at least 15 times before I even noticed that they were the same guy). They're looking at all these stone tablets and talking about Nostradamus and how it's rumoured that he's buried at the ruins. It doesn't matter. One of the guys in the film makes a comment about Nostradamus but it's clear that he knows as much about Nostradamus as the writer's of this film know about sanity. Anyway, these kids continue dicking about in the ruins until the guy who will become Half Mask Man finds a stone version of the mask from the foyer. He puts it on and the other guy tells him that he's being a prick and to take it off. When he does, he has a cut on his face just like the one Rosemary had from the mask earlier. This makes Rosemary want to check her own face in the bathroom mirror so she gets up and makes her way out of the theatre. While this is going on, several things are happening at once;</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Werner is developing this odd fascination with Liz's emotional state and I strongly suspect that the only reason he's here is for sexual gratification. He keeps asking her if the kids in the movie are scared and if she's scared. Liz just seems dead to it all after what I can only assume is years of abuse at the hands of this maniac</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the movie that these idiots are watching, Half Mask Man is losing his shit and he's turned into a lunatic. He's produced a knife from somewhere (it looks like a kitchen knife. An ancient, Sumarian Sabichi if you will) and he's stabbing the shit out of all the other kids</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another guy has come into the cinema and he's sat down next to Liz. He's making out with her pretty heavily in front of Werner but Werner doesn't know this is going on because he's too transfixed with the sounds of murder being shot into his ears by a dolby surround system. That and he's blind</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This is the killer's P.O.V. Just take a moment to think about how this looks from the victim's P.O.V...pretty fucking stupid, right?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the bathroom, Rosemary is getting very upset with the oozing gash on her face and rightly so because before you know it, that shit's swelling up like a bad zit and exploding all over the place. Tony is getting impatient and he wants to know what the hell happened to Rosemary so he sends Carmen to look for her. She finds Rosemary hiding out in a bathroom stall and is attacked by the possessed Rosemary, who slashes her face to shit. Carmen manages to escape the bathroom and runs off but can't seem to find her way back to the main movie theatre and decides to take a detour to areas of a cinema even I wouldn't know how to get to. Meanwhile, things are getting hot and heavy with Liz and her mystery lover who I've decided she doesn't know because that makes it weirder. They've found the most inconvenient place in the entire movie theatre to make out, behind some curtains but Liz is still in ear shot of Werner who's calling out for her as he's running low on emotion juice. Kathy can somehow hear Carmen screaming and tries to tell Ken that she knows a real scream when she hears one (presumably because she rooms with Cheryl and Cheryl is so fucking crazy she probably screams in the middle of the night for no reason). All of a sudden, Carmen</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> comes bursting through the cinema screen and falls to the floor. Tony immediately stands up and rushes over to her, showing us that as a Pimp, he possesses an uncharacteristic concern for humanity. Meanwhile, Possessed Rosemary has become agitated whilst looking for Carmen and has come across Liz and her creepy lover. Possessed Rosemary wraps a rope around their necks while they're still kissing and begins strangling them. I don't quite know how this works and seems a bit of a complex way to kill two people at once but then again, I'm looking for logic in the palace of lunacy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back in the theatre itself, Carmen is causing a fraction of concern for the assembled idiots. She's fallen on all fours and shit's getting fucking vile as she starts changing into a demon in a display of some of the most disgusting prosthetics I've ever seen. She jumps at the throng of people gathered round her and slashes the bejesus out of Frank's face. In the ensuing chaos, Werner is understandably confused. He somehow manages to nearly trip over Liz's ravaged body and he sets down beside her, saddened that he will no longer be able to sap the emotional states of his carer anymore. As he's doing this, Possessed Rosemary gets her claws into him and scratches out his eyes which is fucking disgusting and also pointless. It's like punching an amputee in the stump. So, with Werner now double-blind, Possessed Rosemary runs off in search of more pointless injuries to inflict on people. In the auditorium, vast numbers of people who I'm pretty sure weren't in the theatre before are making a run for it and trying to get out of the theatre but someone's bricked the doors up and they can't escape. Tony The Pimp seems like the only dude who's in full control of his faculties at this point and suggests that everyone should find the emergency exit. Amidst the panic and a Possessed Rosemary making another appearance to tear the ears off a deaf woman or something, Kathy is screeching about how people are getting possessed just like in the movie. In fact, she mentions that the movie is to blame for everything that's happening, she can't explain how she knows and that it's just a feeling which I guess is as sane an attempt as you can hope for. Tony The Pimp agrees with this because what would be the point in arguing logic at this point? He makes a bold statement about how Rosemary put on the mask and how the demons are instruments of evil and they have stop it. He's talking about the movie, unfortunately and not making a selfless gesture for the betterment of humanity so you're a little dis-heartened that Tony doesn't possess quite as much of a strong moral compass as you'd have once thought. Tony suggests that they all try and find the projection booth but when they do, it's deserted therefore adding another intriguing layer to this cleverly devised and deeply convoluted plot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Will the riddle of the empty projection booth ever be solved?!? SPOILERS No. No, it won't</span></div>
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<i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">--Right, seriously now, this is fucking crazy. Is this film honestly trying to make me believe that a satanic cult or something has bought and renovated an old movie theatre for the sole purpose of hoping that someone puts on the mask from the foyer? That's insane. That's not a devilish plot to take over the world; that's a prank and a pretty shitty one at that. Like, make a fucking concession or something. Why in the holy hell would you put your demon possession face mask on a dummy riding a motorbike? Just put it on a pedestal with a sign underneath it that says 'Please try me on'. Just get Half Mask Man to smash it into innocent bystander's faces on the street. And why fucking brick people in? What...what even is that in tactical terms? And who bricked them in? Independent contractors? A sub-division of demon builders who are great at masonry but not so good at apocalyptic take-overs? Half Mask Man? Usually I'm happy for a film to play out but I want answers from this asshole movie--</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, after Tony has finally decided that he's been calm and collected for long enough, he loses his shit and tells everyone to 'smash everything' thereby hoping to scupper the demonic take over by distracting them with a trip to Radio Shack to make repairs. Cheryl catches another glimpse of Half Mask Man in a window but I don't know why I mention that because it doesn't matter and I'm a fool for letting you believe it means anything. Next (and yes, seriously this happens right in the middle of this movie) we're taken outside of the Metropol and we meet some punk kids who've stolen a car and they're driving around town snorting cocaine out of a coke can. That, right there, is subtlety personified. This seemingly non-sequiter punk sideline doesn't make any sense to begin with and the punks' interludes happen at totally random times so I'll just get their character development out of the way now so it doesn't spoil the flow later on. They're driving around, they're snorting coke, one of the punks is a girl who manages to spill the cocaine all over the fucking car. Their leader gets understandably pissed and tells them to pick it all up. While they're parked up, the police pull up alongside them and ask them for their license and registration so their leader bullshits a bit and the kids all make a run for it and end up outside the Metropol (I'll join these chuds a little later on when they become relevant again but as you'll come to find out, these punks absolutely, categorically, unquestionably do NOT need to be in this film. Like, at all). Meanwhile, back at the Metropol, all the survivors have made their way up to the balcony area in the main theatre and Sheryl is being bubble-headed enough to think that now they've smashed up some projection equipment, the satanic uprising that they've all been witness to is surely quashed. Werner pops up from behind some seats to act as this film's harbinger. He starts banging on about how it isn't the film that kills, it's the theatre but to be honest he's not really in any kind of position to make a statement like this. Not only has he not been with the rest of the survivors while all this has been going on but he's blind and should just shut the fuck up. Likewise, Tony is slowly losing his grip on Pimp reality and he's shouting at George because George doesn't want to throw Liz's dead body over the balcony. Tony calls him a bitch or something to that effect and makes Ken help him throw the body over the edge. Just as they're about to throw her over, Frank's possessed body comes out of nowhere and tries to pull Tony over the side. Tony, true to form, produces a flick knife from his jacket and gets into a mini knife fight with Possessed Frank. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Possessed Frank appears to have utilised the rope that Possessed Rosemary used to strangle Liz's mystery lover with to climb up to the balcony with perhaps the express intention of killing Tony because even in death, I think Frank would be this much of an asshole. Tony stabs Possessed Frank over the edge of the balcony and w</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hen Frank lands, he vomits splendidly on Hannah, who is crawling around on the theatre floor.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Demonic Possession = Vomit. That's actual science.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After a brief Car-Punks interlude, Tony has well and truly lost his marbles and he's making the survivors smash all the chairs to form a make-shift barricade so no more demons can get in. Tony's in the middle of screaming something not entirely un-motivational when a possessed Liz springs back to life and bites Tony on the leg. Tony shouts to George to throw him the knife (why George has it now, I don't fucking know) thereby posing George with the age old quandary of 'Do I jump into this titanic struggle twixt pimp and demon or not?'. As Tony and Possessed Liz do battle, they fall over the edge of the balcony and become tangled in Frank's racist climbing rope from before. As they do, Tony drops the knife. George picks up the knife and lets Tony fall to his death which effectively removes the only character worth remembering from the film. Down below, Tommy and Liz are re-united and try to find an exit all on their own, those selfish little bastards. Back on the balcony and the survivors are trying to smash their way through the wall of the theatre with fire extinguishers. Outside the building, the punks are now parked up (they're becoming slightly more relevant at this point but only because one of them seems to hear the sound of fire extinguishers being bashed against 12" thick brick walls from literally 800 feet away which is fucking stupid). Back in the building, George has managed to smash some of the wall down with a fire extinguisher and he can see another room through the hole (which renders the punks' hearing even more incredible). Werner, meanwhile has decided that he wants to make life even more difficult for himself by crawling out through the piles of chairs, to find an exit. All the survivors are still smashing this wall with whatever they can find and when they finally manage to break through, there's a small staircase and a room behind the wall which is a dead end. It's randomly situated but the film makes out like it's a room which has been specifically built for the purposes of psychological torture. It's literally just a room. It's a bit dank and the walls are dripping but essentially, it's just a room and everyone acts like they've all just found out that their parents were responsible for the Holocaust or something. This is where the punks come back into play. They've managed to evade the police and they're trapped in this alley way when a door to the Metropol mysteriously opens and they all pile inside. Moronically, they don't shut the door behind them which, I'm to understand, when you're being chased by policeman, is a dead giveaway as to your location. Because they don't shut this door behind them, Werner manages to get out and ducks behind a car which is parked in the alleyway.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i> </i></span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">--The fuck is this shit?! In addition to this being the most complex and costly demonic take over in the known universe, the demons have put further faith in a group of cocaine addled dicks getting in trouble with Johnny Law and being in the exact right place at the exact right time to find a back entrance into the cinema AND allow one of the possessed access to the street? And it's the fucking blind guy who's been made double blind?! Is that irony? Fuck this movie--</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The police see Werner duck behind this car and mistake him for one of the punks so they move towards him. Instead of punks, they encounter Possessed Werner who is potentially the most retarded of the demons we've seen so far because he thinks that by putting his hand over the barrel of a gun, it ceases to pose a threat to him. Back inside the theatre and the punks are proving to everyone that they're as pointless to this story as a dick on your arm. They're all picked off pretty easily and I don't have to mention them again. At this point, a couple of things happen. Tommy and Hannah have decided to try and make their escape through the air conditioning system but Hannah, in a reasonably neat turn of events, has turned into a demon (but held off just long enough to go all demony in the hands but not in the face) and butchers Tommy in the air shaft. While the demons have been making mince meat out of the punks, they've also been making a hell of a racket and there's been some gun fire (yeah, the punks had guns but still ran from the police. Don't look to me for answers, I didn't write this piece of shit) so all the survivors in the balcony area of the theatre are frantically pulling part of the make-shift barricade down in a display of such ferocious stupidity, it'll make you throw your shoes at the TV screen. George, Ken, Kathy and Cheryl exhibit previously untapped powers of common sense and don't see this noise as salvation but as another way for them to have their guts pulled out through their assholes so they make their way out of the balcony area through another area of the barricade. This proves to be prophetic because all the demons from before start coming through the barricade that the other survivors are pulling down and slash, stab and vomit over everyone they can see. Meanwhile, George and the others have managed to navigate their way through the barricades (which, come to think of it, has a lot of gaps and crawlspaces. How the hell did it maintain it's structural integrity for this long?). George and Cheryl are the first ones out but as Ken is about to make his exit, he says that Kathy fainted. They drag her out and make their way to the foyer. Probably to get another look at that sweet ass dirt bike. Probably.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Aw, man it's so roomy in here. You can really spread out. Hey, don't you guys reckon you could really spread out?! Say, what d'ya think's holding all these chairs up?'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kathy is quite clearly very ill because she starts asking these questions like 'Who are you?' and 'Where am I? What is this place?' in a really weird voice. These fucking idiots think she's just hysterical or something but it's painfully obvious what's happening. Kathy seems to get the shittest deal of everyone who's fallen victim to the demons because after she turns and Ken beats her around the head with the edge of an air conditioning hatch, she falls on all fours and starts convulsing until an actual demon climbs out of her fucking back! I don't understand this scene because this hasn't happened to anyone else who's been possessed. By the way, I've decided to call this little critter 'Hilton the Existential Demon' due to the fact that he's the only demon with enough power to break through someone's back but ask questions about the deeper significance of the soul before doing so. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In all the confusion of Hilton busting out of Kathy's back and him
making a bolt for it, Hilton slashes Ken across the chest and Ken gets upset
because he knows he's officially fucked. He runs off and George and Cheryl
follow him. Ken has to reason with George for a while before George relents and
decides that yeah, cutting his best friend's head off is probably the merciful
thing to do. It seems to take a while for George to come around to the idea,
though. I get it, though. It must be difficult. Anyway, George kills Ken and
Cheryl runs off back into the main theatre where she's surrounded by demons.
Things are looking pretty bleak for her at this point until George bursts
through the curtains to the theatre on the back of the dirt bike, wielding the
samurai sword.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have seen some deus ex machina's in my time but this takes the fucking biscuit</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;">George manages to cut a
swathe through the demonic population of the theatre and you wonder why they
didn't just do this in the first place when all of a sudden, there's a crash
from above them and a helicopter comes through the roof. I get that this is a
sign of the horrors going on outside of the Metropol but given that the films
offers zero explanation as to why a lone helicopter pilot would just randomly
lose his shit and come crashing through the roof a cinema, it seems pretty
weird. George and Cheryl manage to climb up some sort of rope that they find on
the helicopter and they're seemingly home free until Half Mask Man shows up on
the roof and immediately sets about kicking the shit out of George in a pretty
ineffectual way. Speaking of Half Mask Man, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't get this guy. What <i>is </i>he fucking about at? I'm thinking he's got to be the guy in charge or at least like an executive of Demon Corp. or whatever and you'd think that to be in that position, he'd have to be a demon himself so why doesn't he just slash George up and turn him into a demon</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">? Why's he so vindictive that he's got to try and push him down the hole in the roof? Well, whatever's happened, he's obviously feeling a lot better about the whole apocalypse thing because he looks like he's enjoying the murder now rather than at the start when he looked all guilty and shit. Maybe he attended one of those self improvement seminars while all these guys were trapped in the theatre but then again he'd probably need to be on hand to facilitate or something. Those building contractors who bricked the doors up don't delegate themselves. Man, being a demon seems like a lot of work when you consider all the administrative responsibilities. Anyway, Cheryl drives an antenna or something through Half Mask Man's back and then they both push his face onto a spike.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They climb down some ladders or whatever and come face to face
with the stark reality and the shear magnitude of what's happening; the world
has gone to shit. Everyone's either a demon or having their dick stomped by a
demon, buildings are on fire and everything looks totally hopeless for George
and Cheryl until a guy who looks like Donald Pleasance turns up in his jeep
with his kids (who are terrifyingly aryan and way too proficient with firearms)
and offer George and Cheryl the retarded explanation that '(they) saw some
lights in the sky so maybe not everything is lost' which is terrifying because
it seems like they're doomed to spend the rest of the apocalypse saddled with
this fetal alcohol syndrome maniac and his sociopathic children. The credits
start to roll and you think everything's going to be ok for George and Cheryl
aside from their curious travelling partners. They'll be able to settle down,
maybe start a family; the future is looking pretty promising for them all
things considered until, for some reason, Cheryl turns into a demon despite
having no contact with any of the other demons and one of the aryan kids has to
gun her down and that's how the movie ends. For real this time. Yeah...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">No, hang on. I spoke too soon. <i>This </i>takes the fucking biscuit</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So, there you go. That's 'Demons'. It probably
comes across like I don't enjoy this movie but I don't understand how anyone </span><i style="line-height: 115%;">couldn't</i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> enjoy
a film where the climax is a katana showdown on
the back of a dirt bike. There's so much to enjoy about this movie regardless of how fucking insane it is. I read an article which pointed out that Argento and Bava were keen on having a hit movie in the U.S hence things like the over abundance of heavy metal on the soundtrack and tearaway punks stealing cars and snorting cocaine. Although, saying that, trying to make something seem a little bit more 'American' by putting cocaine snorting punks and heavy metal music on your soundtrack is like making a movie to appeal more to English audiences by having a guy hitting his wife while eating baked beans and listening to the Beatles. One of the most fascinating things about Euro Horror cinema is that watching Italian made movies from the 70's and 80's is a little bit like those episodes of Star Trek where an alien intelligence creates a stylised </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">interpretation</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> of what it </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">perceives</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> as being 'reality' for the amusement of a befuddled Enterprise crew. It's a slightly skewed, off-balance version of what we know as normal but instead of making you feel kind of sick, it's just kind of endearing. Some would probably argue that it's a good thing that they don't make 'em like this anymore but fuck those clowns. It truly is a shame that they don't make 'em like they used to. Happy Halloween, everyone.</span></span></span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER </b>(please)<b>: @exploitmovie</b></span></span>
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Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-17888677459713647872013-10-12T17:12:00.002+01:002013-10-12T17:31:03.729+01:00McBain A.K.A Waistband Walken's Crazy Coup<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">So,
I’ve been promising it for a while but not delivering on those promises. Sorry
about that. But if all those episodes of Star Trek taught me anything it’s that forgiveness is close to godliness.
I think that’s how it goes. It doesn't matter because McBain. </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">I've</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> got to tell
you; this film makes sense for about 7 minutes and after that it’s just
unfiltered crazy. You’ll kind of get the story and recognise the usual tropes
inherent in commando movies like this but it takes you on what should be a
straightforward journey via a chasm of screaming skulls and bad editing. I’m perhaps being
melodramatic. Essentially, it's dogshit and the soundtrack gave me diabetes but I promised to do this so lets get started...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This movie starts in 1973 and the Vietnam war has come to an end. A load of tanks and shit are making their way through the jungle to find marines that are stationed there. This Colonel dude is making his way towards an encampment and he walks into this hut where we meet some of the film's main protagonists. There's Santos, who ends up being the driving force of this film's plot, Eastland (played by the late Steve James), Frank Bruce (played by Michael Ironside) who's a genuinely confusing character as he's a borderline psychotic and definite shit-head, Gil (played by Thom G Waites who you'll recognise from John Carpenter's 'The Thing') and Dalton who seems to be an all round nice guy. Plus he's a doctor. So, this Colonel guy is in their encampment and he starts giving these guys a load of shit because he walked right in on them while they're all reading and just hanging out and he didn't encounter any kind of perimeter security or anything. It's difficult to understand why he's giving them this amount of shit because he's come to tell them that the war is over but that's his job, I guess. So, after he tells them that the war is over, they all get on board this helicopter and start to make their way out of the jungle. It's worth noting that, at this point, it's literally just <i>some </i>of the main protagonists. McBain is nowhere to be fucking seen, here. While the marines are making their way out of Vietnam, they're shot at by this V.C soldier and they spot all these bamboo cages and shit which they decide to take a look at.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Down below at the V.C camp, we finally meet McBain plus some other G.I's and they're being led into these bamboo cages by what looks like a fat, Vietnamese Rambo and a tonne of V.C soldiers. Walken has sensible hair in this scene so you know he hasn't quite lost his shit just yet but that'll change later on. While this is going on, all of our guys from before are doing some recon and working out which is the best way to kill these ass-holes and set these other G.I's free. McBain is put inside a bamboo cage along with Fat Rambo and they start to fight. McBain is having his ass handed to him to begin with but then our guys from before start to attack the camp. There's this V.C General who's also inside the bamboo cage and he throws a knife into the ground so that Fat Rambo can stab McBain to pieces but when an explosion distracts him, McBain gets the drop on Fat Rambo and throws the knife into the V.C General's chest. The helicopter from before makes an over-head pass and starts firing fuck into the V.C camp which is pretty irresponsible considering that they've got well over fifteen friendly troops on the ground and this pilot hasn't done a single bit of recon to know that he's shooting at the right dudes. Asshole. Still, his blood lust seems to be do the trick and all the V.C troops are taken out. McBain starts to exit the bamboo cage when Fat Rambo gets up, takes the knife out of his commanding officer's chest and makes a lunge for McBain. Santos spots this shit from a mile off, tells McBain to get down and caps that Stallone looking mother fucker. McBain tells Santos that he owes him one so Santos tears a $100 bill in half and tells him that if the other half of this bill finds him, he can repay the favour. I'm not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. There's no significance in it being a $100 bill. It could have been a $1 or $5 bill because that seems more affordable but $100? Guy's too rich to be fighting in 'Nam.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">Stand this guy next to Richard Crenna and 9 out of 10 times, he won't notice it's not Stallone</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Cut to 18 years later and we're in Columbia. Santos and some armed guys are walking into a village. No one seems to give a shit that there are a bunch of armed guys strolling through their village so I'm led to believe from this that they're probably friendly. Santos makes his way into one of the huts in the village and is greeted by a woman, Christina, his sister. Santos and Christina have a strange relationship if you ask me and you'd be forgiven for thinking that they're going out but they're not. They're honestly brother and sister. I don't have a sister so I don't know what would be classed as inappropriate but to me, this is pretty fucked up. They don't kiss or anything but as far as I'm concerned, face touching is a prelude to sexy time. Anyway, Santos tells Christina that he's going to go ahead with something massively important. He doesn't say what, though. This is a major problem with this fucking movie; character's explain what they're doing in riddles. The only clue I had that Santos was a revolutionary (before all the revolution happens in a short while - that shit is a DEAD giveaway) is that he's wearing a beret. Oh and you can tell he's supposed to be older now because he's wearing glasses, as well. He tells Christina that if this operation goes to shit, she should get in touch with a guy called Bobby McBain who lives in New York and works in construction. He gives her the other half of the $100 bill, the name of his company and the telephone number for his union which seems like a lot of details to have on someone you haven't spoken to in 18 years. I mean, people change jobs all the time and I doubt Santos has access to a phone in this shit hole village so how has he kept abreast of what McBain is up to? Anyway, Santos tools up and leaves the village on his way somewhere (at this point, you literally have no idea what he's doing because there's been no expository dialogue or anything) while all the kids in the village cheer him and his men on. You can tell they're good guys because the kids love them.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Next, we're in Bogota (I only know this because later on, you have to glance at a T.V screen to find out where the fuck it is which is annoying because this film has been pretty keen with it's hard coded location subtitles, so far) and a big-ass limo pulls up outside what looks like an embassy but is in fact, El Presidente's house palace. A guard at the gate stops the car and asks the driver what he wants. The driver tells him that he has whores in the back for El Presidente and he should be let through. The guard gives him a knowing little nod and a cheeky smile and lets him through with his slutty cargo. Once inside, another guard stops the car and asks what's going on. The driver informs him of the sexy transaction that's about to take place and he lets them in but OH SHIT the driver isn't really a limo driver. He's one of Santos' men and so are the whores! They cap this guard so that Santos and some other guys can get out of the trunk of the car and they all make their way into the building. It's pretty clear what's happening now...except it isn't. There are no subtitles in this scene and your only clue to where they are is the word 'El Presidente' and all the Carry-On nods and smiles concerning the sexy chicks.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small; line-height: 18px;">'Hi, ladies. Can I see some I.D? Ha-ha, only joking. Just show me your tits'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Inside the building, El Presidente is filming a speech to the Columbian people and you just instinctively know that this guy is a fucking douche box. Meanwhile, Santos and his guys are making steady progress through the house. They come across this hatch in the ceiling which has a set of ladders leading up to it. One of the whores from before who still hasn't changed out of her heels climbs up the ladder and opens the hatch and is greeted by the sight of El Presidente's crotch. She starts unzipping his fly and puts a knife to his balls. El Presidente gets a look on his face like he's used to filming important statements to his people whilst being blown when all of a sudden, Santos and some of his guys burst into the room where the filming is going on and take over the recording. Santos makes a public plea for the U.S to get involved or else he's pretty much fucked. Immediately after this, in the next scene, we see a car carrying some government looking types to this harbour where they board a speedboat and make their way to this little lakeside cabin which I think is supposed to be Camp David or something. There's an old looking guy doing some fishing in this river when he sees the speedboat coming into view and he doesn't look happy that these government men are fucking up his chances of catching some bitching bass.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Inside the cabin, we learn that the old guy who was doing some fishing is the President of the U.S and he's being told about what's happening in Colombia. His advisors are telling him that Santos has acted without any kind of word from the U.S so they don't know why the fuck he's thinking they're going to come and help out. Santos seems like a fairly straight-up dude so I guess he's wondering why they wouldn't come and help. But if we're going to learn anything from this movie, it's that unless it's called 'McBain', it's not coming to help you. Some of the President's advisors seem to think that a rogue CIA agent probably told Santos that he would be guaranteed help but this seems like a really shitty joke, to me; 'Yeah, sure we'll help with your coup. I've got a buddy who can totally help you out with that'. So, the President is told that the U.S can't help because they'll be too busy preparing graphs which seems like bureaucracy gone mad if you ask me. Just send some dudes to help out and chill that situation out. Man, this President is a dick. So, back in Colombia, everything is going to hell. Santos is panicking, no one's coming to help and the army are starting to take Colombian citizens off the street and force them between these tanks where they'll be crushed. Santos can't bear to see this happen so he hands his gun over to El Presidente who promptly shoots Santos in the head on live TV for daring to be a decent guy and not getting blown whenever he's making public addresses.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small; line-height: 18px;">'Son, this is the expression you'll wear at some point in your life, for a wide variety of reasons. Most of them will involve your penis'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Back in the States, the President is watching events unfold on the news, as is McBain but they're not in the same place or anything. McBain's in this shitty looking cafeteria and the President is still at Camp David. You can't blame McBain for watching this happen because he doesn't know a damn thing about what's going on but the President can't be excused for this shit. He's literally watching Santos get his brains blown out on television while sipping tea. Interestingly, you never see the President again. I guess this is none too subtle hint that you can't trust your government to not sit back and drink tea when you're about to get your head blown off. It's a problem we face all the time. I can totally get behind that. Anyway, McBain recognises Santos getting his brain relocated and starts thumbing through his wallet and finds his half of the $100 bill but it takes him a while to find it which is kind of embarrassing. Back in Colombia, Christina is being given some cash and some other shit by the villagers and sent on her way to the U.S on the back of a donkey. I don't think she goes the whole way on the donkey or anything. She probably catches a plane at some stage because that's a long journey for a donkey. It's not clear whether the donkey goes with her to the States or not. I got kind of concerned because it's a nice donkey. Anyway, she manages to find McBain and presents him with the other half of the bill. McBain tells her that he's been expecting her and they go for a drink at the shitty cafe where McBain tells her a story about the time that he went to Woodstock. This whole section is a little confusing to me. It seems like Christina is telling McBain a very heartfelt story about her brother and the situation in Colombia and McBain can only think to tell her a story about the kick ass time he had at Woodstock. There's probably some historical reference I'm missing here but fuck learning. I don't watch a commando movie to fucking learn. And oh yeah, McBain now has the crazy Walken hair we're all used to seeing. Whether this is a trick to show us that time has passed or not, I don't know. I think the subtitle saying '18 years later' was plenty of notice. So, McBain says that the poultry sum that Christina assembled in the village is bullshit and quite clearly not enough to stage a violent take down in Colombia so he starts to make some phone calls.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">The next scene is where we get to catch up with Gil, Eastland and Dalton. Gil is a police officer, Dalton is a surgeon and Eastland is working as a security guard for the head of this shitty corporation that looks like it's exploiting people. Each one of them is shown displaying their intrinsic strengths as characters with Gil mourning the loss of his partner, Dalton frantically trying to save a dying man's life and Eastland letting someone punch fuck into this guy he's supposed to be protecting. Again, it's none too subtle with its messages. I don't know who McBain is calling, by the way. It's obviously these guys but not one of them is near a phone when he's making these calls. The only one who can be contacted at all is Eastland, who has a pager. I guess this makes sense in a way because by the next scene, it's only McBain, Eastland and Christina who have met up to visit Frank Bruce but fuck this movie. I'm not going to let it out-logic me. So, anyway they meet up with Bruce who's now bizarrely wealthy but the film never explains how. He's got fancy looking art hanging up on the walls and a woman swimming in an indoor pool. McBain even mentions that Bruce has four Ferrari's but still calls him out when Bruce doesn't seem interested in joining McBain and his guys in avenging Santos. McBain berates him for being a wet bitch before they leave. Bruce offers McBain some cut price offers on plane transportation to Colombia, though but this seems shitty when you consider that they were all supposed to be friends.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">That's not a regular height that someone's waistband should be. Seriously, almost two thirds of his body is trouser.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">McBain and Christina have another heart to heart and McBain reassures her that they'll come to Colombia and kill this piece of shit President. McBain tells her to go back to Colombia while he rustles up some cash. McBain goes back to his house where Gil, Eastland and Dalton have stayed the night. They all agree that their defining purposes in life now is to kill the shit out of this El Presidente joker and they agree on a strategy to come up with the cash considering Bruce is being such an asshole about it all. The next scene is this pretty cool take down of this slum building which is being used to sell drugs. McBain and his guys fancy some of the action that's going on in the building so they bust in and start taking out some of the lower level guards while up above, their leader, played by Luiz Guzman, is counting money and sorting out levels of drugs and all that shit. McBain and his boys burst in and immediately shoot this one guy through a window which looks fucking sick, I won't lie. This movie has really schizophrenic levels of violence ranging from sub-standard action fare violence that we're all used to seeing in these types of pictures to really over-the-top, exploding squibs and guys getting <i>pulled </i>out of buildings on wires to simulate the power of a shot gun blast. All the time this is going on, Walken's waistband is getting higher and higher. I think it feeds off the carnage. So, McBain and his guys pull guns on Luiz Guzman who doesn't give a fuck. He knows this game like the back of his hand. Gil makes some comment about the drug guys that they've already wasted and how they sell drugs to kids and they're all pieces of shit. Guzman responds by saying that these guys wouldn't be able to work for minimum wage and that he pays them $200 a day. He also says that they don't sell drugs to kids, just tourists from New Jersey. Basically, </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Guzman makes a pretty good case for being a drug dealer and the whole scene becomes a bit embarrassing. I don't think this was intentional but that's how it comes across. Guzman goes onto say that the real money is in the hands of the mob and they should go and visit them. McBain steals a hat and sunglasses off this one drug guy that they've killed, asks Guzman this really strange question about his shirt and then leaves. Seriously, he asks him about his shirt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">In the next scene, it's night time and three well dressed guys are walking out of a restaurant and discussing shit loudly and waiting for an attendant to bring round their car. The next thing we see is this garbage truck smashing into their car and McBain and his guys knock two of the suits out and hi-jack the other other. Next thing you know, McBain and his buddies have tied this guy to a chair and then tied the chair to this winch and they're dangling him over the edge of a building. Things get weirder when McBain, now in his stolen hat and sunglasses, adopts this accent which I can't make out where the fuck it's supposed to be from and starts telling this mob boss that it's collection time and he wants $10 million transferred to a Swiss bank account. This entire scene is fucking stupid for a number of reasons; firstly, Chris Walken has three defining characteristics which make him scary. These are, in order, his voice, his hair and his eyes but he goes and fucking covers each one of them up throughout this entire scene. Secondly, after he's concluded his meeting with the mob boss and he tells him to deposit $10 million in a Swiss bank account, McBain and his buddies just up and fucking leave this guy hanging from a winch above the city. No one knows this guy's hanging there. His men don't know he's there, his wife doesn't know he's there. Literally no one knows that this guy is hanging from a winch above New York City. I was under the impression that time is of paramount importance to this operation being successful so you'd think it would be prudent to, say, let the guy down so he can call his bank and have the money transferred. Thirdly, no one else in the gang is bothering with a disguise. Just McBain. Gil has some sunglasses on but I think they were just part of his outfit from the start of the day and I guess now that McBain is wearing sunglasses, Gil doesn't have to feel like such a prick wearing them on an overcast day. The whole thing is dumb as shit.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I'll commend Gil for not going 'double-denim' on us here. That's a tough look to pull off</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Loaded up with their drug money (you'd hope), McBain and the gang now need to arrange themselves some transport so they opt to steal one of this Mob guys' planes which ships drugs to the U.S. Meanwhile, in Colombia, Christina is explaining to a load of freedom fighters that they need to clear an airstrip that the Colombian army are guarding or else McBain and the dudes won't be able to land. This airstrip is also the site of a drugs factory which a dude called Escobar owns. Jump back to New York (seriously, this shit's all over the place) and Bruce has met up with McBain again. I don't know why he's there, in all honesty. The last we saw of this guy, he was arranging some flight into Colombia for McBain but that was it. He made his intentions pretty clear and to all intents and purposes, Bruce was no longer part of the equation. I don't know. He's an asshole. This movie is an asshole. Still, Bruce explains that he's got this computer software that can tap into spy satellites and then he asks McBain if he can come along. There's no concession made to soul searching or anything, he literally just asks if he can come. He doesn't make any grand statements about avenging Santos or even liberating Colombia from an oppressive asshole regime, he just wants to come along. This signifies the one and only time in Michael Ironside's cinematic history that his borderline psychosis and rampant blood lust is implied rather than explicitly demonstrated. McBain and the bunch board their plane and set off for Colombia.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">We take a quick trip to Colombia where Christina and her fighters are beginning their raid on the air strip so that McBain and co. can land. There's some pretty visceral combat footage which once again proves that if this film were a child, the little bastard would be on enough Ritalin to kill an Ox. On board the stolen mob plane, everything seems to be going ok until some pilots from the Colombian Air Force spot their plane. Bruce radios a pilot friend of his who's escorting their weapons into Colombia and asks them him to come and help out with these three Colombian fighters. Bruce tells McBain that this pilot is the son of a guy who died in Vietnam so he's prepared to break international law and potentially start a war for the right price. So, one of the Colombian pilots flies up alongside McBain's plane and orders them to set down. There then follows a bizarre series of events which kicks off with McBain himself shooting one of the pilots of the fighter jets with a pistol. Through two cockpit windows. At an unspecified altitude. Lets just say their altitude is 'really fucking high up'. It's crazy. Next up, Bruce's pilot friend engages the remaining two Colombian fighters and a bit of a dog-fight ensues. The Colombian pilots fire missiles at our American guy and he has to try and fuck them by flying as high as he can so that the missiles burn out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">This dogfight is pretty good and it </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">momentarily distracts you from this laden piece of shit movie but the harmony is disrupted when it becomes apparent that the the American pilot sounds like he's getting head inside the cockpit. Seriously, listen out for it. It's really uncomfortable. With his balls emptied, our American pilot fires on the remaining Colombian fighters and destroys them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>EXECUTIVE</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>RELIEF</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>ON</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Now that the aerial combat has finished, McBain orders this American pilot to go and help out Christina and her band of freedom fighters who, to be fair, are having a hard time. There's this one guy who runs up to a tank, puts a grenade down the barrel of its cannon and leaves his hand stuck in there. This is possibly to stop the tank from firing the grenade back out but this really isn't how science works. Shame no one told this little guy about that. With all the guys down below taken out, it's safe for McBain and everyone else to land. Some of the Colombian army guys are still alive and their General or whatever runs away like a cowardly piece of shit to inform El Presidente that there's some bad mother fuckers coming his way. With the group re-assembled, they start to put their plan into operation and make their way to Bogota to kick some ass. The American pilot asks if he can stick around and help out so McBain lets him. They'll probably need a throwaway character to sacrifice later on, anyway.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">After a brief, superficial interlude with the U.S President telling the press that America hasn't sent troops into Colombia, we return to El Presidente's office where he's beating the shit out of the General from before who ran away. He's got him tied to a ceiling fan in his office and he's smacking him with a baseball bat which seems a bit brutal, all things considered. El Presidente is interrupted by one of his men who tells him that Escobar is here to see him. Escobar is weird. I can't work out if he's supposed to be South African or what. He has slicked back hair and he's got the air of Bond villain about him but he's not massively important and quite frankly he's turned up too late in this movie for me to give a fuck about him so I won't spend too much time on this prick. He throws this General out of the window and sits down to a drink with El Presidente. In fact, there's two guys who come in and I can't work out which one is Escobar. Fuck it, I don't care, Basically, he threatens El Presidente because he's making a dick out of himself about the Americans and he's threatening to take over their embassy. Escobar doesn't want this to happen because drugs or something. I'm passed giving a shit about this sub-plot.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">You've got literally nothing to look this smug about, asshole. Who even <i>are </i>you?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">In the next scene, Blond Escobar is attacking Christina's village for some reason.They fire some rockets and blow some stuff up and then leave. I really don't know why he does this. Anyway, McBain and some of his boys (there's been no mention of them splitting up or anything) show up to help out and Dalton saves a little girl's life. Dalton asks to stay behind and McBain tells him that he can hook up with Christina and Eastland somewhere else (thanks for letting me know, movie). So, Eastland, Christina and Dalton are outside this TV station and they're planning on hi-jacking the airwaves to send out the message to the Colombian people that El Presidente is a dick and they can all rise up and over-throw him. I was getting pissed at this point because Steve James rears up to karate kick the door down to the TV station but Christina stops him. I haven't seen a massive amount of Steve James movies and this will be rectified forthwith but all I've seen the guy in is this and 'I'm Gonna Git You Sucka' and in both films, I've never even seen this guy throw a fucking punch. Ok, so something good has come out of 'McBain'; it's put me on a righteous path to seek out more Steve James. Anyway, back in the movie and Christina has managed to hi-jack the TV station and she's making the impassioned speech I thought she might have done rather than break in so that she can meet some Colombian TV personalities. Her speech is seen by a shit load of people in Colombia and America and it's pretty inspiring to everyone. Elsewhere, McBain, Gil and our Pilot guy from before have broken into this truck depot which houses oil tankers. They steal one and attach detonators to it so they can drive it through the gates of El Presidente's palace. By the time they get there, the military are waiting for them and they blow out one of the tyres on the truck forcing our pilot guy to keep hold of the wheel. It's curtains for Pilot Guy but McBain makes a jump for it and gets out of the truck before it explodes. I don't know where Gil is but he gets out as well. I'm not sure whether he was in the passenger footwell or hanging onto the back of the tanker but he's ok by the time it explodes. With the gates down, McBain and his revolutionaries can storm the palace. The courtyard fire fight is pretty cool and in keeping with the action set pieces in this film but McBain stands with his legs a little bit too far apart at one moment and it kind of ruins the feel.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small; line-height: 18px;">He kind of leans back, as well which accentuates the waistband. Oh and his dick. Totally his dick</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Back in the U.S, the President is giving a speech about how he's changing the currency of the United States into this red, white and blue shit so that the drug dealers can't get a good exchange rate on their existing dollars, or something. I don't know. This really seems like a bizarre safe-guard policy. I half expected this to be some sort of ruse or a dream sequence but I honestly believe it's a serious plot point. Anyway, both blonde and brunette Escobar are unphased by this because they changed their money into Swiss Franc's so they couldn't give a fuck but they get stopped trying to leave the country by some of Christina's rebels. Back at the palace, McBain and his men are making their way towards El Presidente. McBain doesn't want to go through the main door to El Presidente's room, so he opts to stand on a table and go through this little air vent instead. El Presidente is readying himself for the inevitable shit fest he's got coming to him when all of a sudden, McBain has shaken things up and breaks through the ceiling to El Presidente's room and guns him down. This bothered me for a reason I can't quite explain. I know the movie is trying to show me that McBain is cunning dude and that the element of surprise is on his side but he comes through the celing in almost exactly the same place that the air vent is anyway so it doesn't make sense. It's amazing how much subtle set up is needed in a movie to make it all flow in a way that your brain is subconsciously following. It isn't until you see an uncoordinated piece of shit like this that you realise that. Anyway, McBain stands on the balcony overlooking the courtyard as Christina and the others show up. Everyone's happy, Colombia is free of an oppressive tyrant, Walken's waistband is still uncomfortably high.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">So yeah, this film is pretty much a piece of shit and that's my honest appraisal. The first third of this movie is boring as fuck and I had a hard time writing about the rest of it because it was essentially joyless. I don't know why Walken agreed to be in this turd. Ironside, I get. He's a decent actor and everything but you're used to seeing him in pieces of shit like this. Not Walken, though. He's usually in more classy joints. It's difficult to work out what this movie is trying to say; on the one hand it's a none too subtle allegory for </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">ineffectual U.S foreign policy and this stands head and shoulders above any other message it's trying get to get across but on the other, it seems to drop its heavy political message round about 30 minutes in. On paper, the movie is an interesting culmination of ideas; war veterans who are bonded by their experiences, come together to avenge the unjust death of one of their colleagues and overthrow a corrupt South American dictatorship but it never really sticks with one particular train of thought. Perhaps if it had at least partially focused on how war can change a man beyond the point of no return then it may have been a more laudable effort. That and not try and convince me that the U.S Government would make multi-coloured money out of unicorn dreams or whatever it is that they were going to do.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">So, yeah sorry it took so long. I promise you won't have to wait as long for the next review.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER </b>(please): @exploitmovie</span></span>Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-84703104116795952712013-09-14T13:23:00.000+01:002013-09-14T13:23:31.908+01:00Rush - Mini Review<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Admittedly, this review is a bit out of the ordinary but fuck you, this is my time to shine, not yours. I'm a motorsport fan. More specifically, I'm a Formula 1 fan and Ron Howard's latest movie is a look at two of the sport's more outspoken characters and their rivalry during the 1976 world championship. I went to see this movie last night and obviously felt moved enough to write a short piece about it despite it being in stark contrast to the material I would usually review.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want to start off by saying that Rush is a good movie. I</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">t's a beautifully crafted gem of a film. Period pieces must be a complete pain in the ass to get right and there's always some dick end out there who'll spot something like a number plate which shouldn't have existed at the time (to be fair, this kind of thing really gets on my tits, too. If you have millions of dollars at your disposal, the least you can do is employ someone who knows their shit) but this has a damn good stab at recreating the world during the 1970's.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't want to give any plot points away and anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the sport will know how this ends but for all the film's good points (and there are many, of which we'll talk about later), I first wanted to speak to you about the points which left the film feeling like a bit of a hollow experience. Both the acting and the 'action' set pieces are excellent and wonderfully executed but it's the script and certain moments of character development which make this feel, for an instant, like a melodramatic piece of shit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Quick history lesson for the uninitiated; Hunt and Lauda were friends off track. Pretty good friends, in fact (they shared a flat together for a short period of time) but their rivalry came to the fore on track. Lauda was a straight talking dude with a singular purpose to win but he wasn't an emotional wasteland. Hunt was, by all accounts, a bit of an irresponsible asshole but he too possessed a singular need to win. The film actually goes to great lengths to show you just how much of an asshole Hunt could be by showing you his reckless abandon on track and his fleeting relationships with a stream of chicks but then tries to cram in some weak characterisation a little later into the film by having him look at himself in a mirror while he's banging an air hostess in an airplane bathroom, like he's a tortured detective or some shit. This scene happens after he finds out that his wife is banging Richard Burton and, to be frank, the real Hunt didn't want to be married to this chick anymore anyway and actually <i>sold</i> her to Burton on the condition that if Burton didn't pay up, Hunt wouldn't sign any divorce papers. To me, that's a much more compelling protagonist plus it's a true account and wouldn't come off as hackneyed. How much more 'rounded' a character can you need than someone who actually fucking existed? Lauda, similarly, is portrayed as a bit of a humourless and impotent asshole who struggles to acknowledge anything emotionally. His detective archetype scene comes a little later into the film as well, as he stares into the distance while on his honeymoon, contemplating his new found happiness and how his contentment is 'the enemy'. Just to hammer this point home, it's night time but it's not raining which is a shame. If you're going for the 'troubled genius' motif, you might as well go the whole hog.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Conversely, the Hunt/Lauda relationship is portrayed as </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">pure</i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> rivalry. There's no friendliness or warmth to their relationship as there was in real life and the 'they were bitter enemies until they learnt to be friends' card is played well and truly in this movie. In fact, I think Ron Howard is actually trying to shove this card up your ass just so he knows you've been paying attention. It's these points which made me feel like this film could have done without trying to conform to the 'sporting drama' mold. Save that shit for Rocky or something. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, the good shit;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The acting is great no matter how occasionally loaded and melodramatic the script can be, with a particularly noteworthy performance from Daniel Bruehl as Niki Lauda. Chris Hemsworth looks like he's having a great time being super buff and fucking awesome and his performance benefits from this but it's Bruehl who'll win the Oscar should it ever come down to that (to be honest, if he isn't given a nod by the Oscar board, I'll shit a clown, I swear to God).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As far as the superficial flourishes go, the effects are pretty damn good as they're mostly practical. The cars look sick as tits and the CG, when employed, is pretty convincing. During the racing sequences, there are these semi-stylised shots of the internal workings of the cars which look spectacular and the roar of their engines made me feel curiously sexualised (it usually does during race weekend, too). The film contains some truly disturbing practical effects scenes which highlight the brutality of the sport during the 70's. A highlight of the film's practical effects and indeed a highlight of Daniel Bruehl's kick ass performance is Lauda's recovery scene after his near fatal crash at the Nurburgring in Germany. It'll turn your fucking stomach but it's just so incredibly shot and acted. Man, I'm welling up now just thinking about it. As far as the film's soundtrack goes, it's pretty forgettable but it fits the movie and helps with the emotional gravitas of certain scenes. I think Hans Zimmer gets way too much credit, now. His Batman scores were probably the only thing I truly liked about Nolan's Batman movies but this sounds like something he pretty much tossed off while on a lunch break.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, to summarise;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's a fucking kick ass movie with great performances, great effects and some smart direction but I guess my main problem lies with how Hollywood! this movie feels it has to be. I suppose the argument could be that if a truer account were made into a movie, would it be as interesting or as compelling a drama as this? The sad fact of the matter is that no, it probably wouldn't and would only appeal to that niche market that Formula 1 similarly appealed to in the mid seventies. The irony here is that in 1976, it took the Hunt/Lauda rivalry to finally bring Formula 1 to the attention of the larger world. A micro-cosmic adventure, then, through time and space? Damn, this shit's cleverer than I thought.</span></div>
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Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-85891993660732590552013-07-26T02:27:00.000+01:002013-07-26T02:36:38.795+01:00Enter The Dragon<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In our final Jim Kelly review (for the time being, anyway. I
plan on looking at Three the Hard Way somewhere down the line), we’re going to
be talking about Enter the Dragon. Jim Kelly isn’t the star of this movie. It’s
Bruce Lee and it was his break-out role in the first Kung Fu flick financed by
Hollywood. Pretty cool stuff. While this is clearly a Bruce Lee vehicle, Kelly
near as dammit steals the show with his own unique charisma, as a character
called Williams. Williams is very similar to a lot of the roles Jim Kelly would
go on to take in his short acting career and in looking back on Enter the
Dragon, it’s hard to comprehend the fact that Kelly’s character doesn’t make it
all the way to the end of this picture.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The story goes that John Saxon’s agent threw a bitch fit and
had the screenwriter’s cook up a whole new ending where Saxon's character gets to live
but Kelly's doesn’t. Pretty bum deal if you ask me but
in a way, this kick started the whole Jim Kelly phenomena as audiences wanted
to see more of this unmitigated bad-ass in a movie where he doesn’t get killed
like he’s just some sort of punk bitch. As usual, there are going to be some
major spoilers in this review (you know me by now; I basically tell you the plot) but to be honest, if you haven’t seen Enter the
Dragon, you and I have no further business with one another. On we
go…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This movie begins with Bruce Lee beating up a fat dude
played by a young Sammo Hung. It’s obviously an exhibition match of some sort
and it’s being held at this Shaolin temple which Bruce is probably the star
pupil of. It’s not really a great introduction to the character because it’s
hard to side with someone who has far superior martial arts abilities, beating
up a fat dude. Still, it’s just as good a point as any to start, I guess. So
Bruce beats up a fat guy and goes for a meeting with the head of the temple.
This guy has the most American accent I’ve ever heard. Like, whoever’s dubbing
the voice isn’t even trying to sound even remotely Chinese. Seriously, he’s so
American. He basically tells Bruce that’s he’s a fucking bad ass and he’s
operating at a level above the physical but he puts it to him in more spiritual
way and I don’t think this hurts Bruce’s self-esteem any. He probably
appreciates it more than if someone were to just say ‘Dude, your Kung Fu is
pretty sweet’. Anyway, this monk also tells him about a former student of the
temple called Han, who we find out a little later on is the bad guy in this
movie. He tells Bruce that Han sacked off his responsibilities went rogue and
brought shame to the temple. Basically, he’s a dick. He tells Bruce to reclaim
the temple’s honour. This monk tells Bruce that there’s a guy at the temple who
wants to talk to him, called Braithwaite. Bruce meets up with this guy who
tells him about a tournament that Han is holding and that they want Bruce to
attend. By ‘they’ he means ‘the government’ but we’ll hear about them a little
later on, too. Their conversation is cut short by one of Bruce’s students and
what I imagine is one of their many weird little intervals that they have over
a typical day. Bruce is trying to teach this guy about combat but he’s doing it
in a really confusing way. Braithwaite seems pretty impressed with this display
but I think they’re just putting it on and fucking with this stuffy white guy
and his (probably) stereotypically racist preconceptions of martial artists.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then we get the title sequence. During this sequence, we’re
introduced to Jim Kelly’s character but only in as much as we see him get off a
plane and walk around Hong Kong. This doesn’t really lead to anything other
than being impressed with Kelly’s afro which I sense is what we’re <i>really</i> being introduced to. We also get
to briefly glimpse Saxon’s character who's also getting off a plane but also
looks like he’s shouting at a little Chinese guy about his luggage. Seriously,
he looks pretty condescending in this scene. It bothers me a little. Here, the
credit sequence ends pretty abruptly and we’re now in Braithwaite’s Hong Kong
office where he’s talking to Bruce who’s wearing a pretty sick three piece
suit. Braithwaite is basically going over the main assholes of this movie so
you can just kick back and learn everything you need to know about these dudes.
Braithwaite shows Bruce the only
existing film footage of Han that anyone has. He then shows Bruce footage of
this guy called O’Hara who Braithwaite says is Han’s bodyguard. This O’Hara guy
is presented as something of a bad ass because you see movie film footage of
him having shit broken over his arms and him punching through flaming bricks.
The most physically notable thing about O’Hara is how he was kind of Chuck
Norris before Chuck Norris got in on that action. He’s got a beard and
semi-permanently fixed hair but Bruce manages to ruffle it later on. Next,
Braithwaite shows Bruce a picture of Han’s island where he’ll be holding the
tournament. He tells Bruce that Han lives completely self-sufficiently on this
island and spends all of his time running a school of martial arts. At this
stage, you have to stop and think that this Han guy doesn’t sound all that bad.
I mean, O’Hara looks like a fucking chump but what’s wrong with Han living on a
private island and teaching some kids how to kick ass? Braithwaite shows Bruce
some footage of a dead girl who was washed ashore and was last seen partying on
Han’s private boat. Braithwaite tells Bruce that Han gets shit loads of young
girls like her hooked on heroin and then sells them on the black market. Oh,
shit. So THAT’S what’s so bad about Han. What an asshole. Braithwaite tells him
that his government body knows everything about Han but they can’t prove shit
which seems odd but then he explains that part of Han’s island doesn’t lie
within their jurisdiction. Damn red tape. Braithwaite gives Bruce a picture of
this chick who’s been working on infiltrating Han’s operation and says that
they lost contact with her a while ago but he can meet up with her when he gets
to the island, if she’s still alive and not all junked out on heroin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Tonight on Lifetime 'The P-Diddy Boat Party That Went Horribly Awry'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just want to take a moment to mention that the first third of this movie is
all kinds of fucked up because most of the
story is told in flashback so it’s really difficult to write about it
chronologically. When we get a flashback sequence, I’ll make sure that you’re all subtly aware that one is happening just
before it does, ok? Cool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><u>FLASHBACK! </u></b>Bruce
is chatting with one of his friends back at the temple and it’s supposed to be
just before Bruce leaves for Hong Kong. His buddy is telling him about the time
that Bruce’s sister was killed. <b><u>DOUBLE
FLASHBACK! </u></b>Bruce’s buddy and his sister were having a walk around the
city (doesn’t say which city. I guess it’s Hong Kong) when they were attacked
by a Super Rape Gang of Han’s men, led by O’Hara. It’s daylight, by the way so
you know these are some brazen assholes because they beat up Bruce’s buddy and
they’re totally going to rape Bruce’s sister as well. These guys just don’t
give a fuck. Bruce’s sister beats up a couple of the guys in the gang but
Bruce’s buddy tells her to run while he slashes O’Hara’s face with a concealed
knife. O’Hara is understandably pissed about this and beats the shit out of
this guy before getting his men to chase after Bruce’s sister. She eventually
winds up in this abandoned warehouse or something but Han’s men smash through
the windows and surround her. She opts out of being their unwilling sex doll by
picking up a piece of broken glass and stabbing herself in the stomach while
O’Hara looks on passively like a douche. It’s difficult to tell why Bruce’s
buddy told him about this, exactly. I mean, it serves for an interesting angle
later on in the film but telling him this just before he leaves is surely going
to make him lose focus. Man, this guy is a shitty friend. This is the first
time he’s told Bruce about what actually happened to his sister as well so
you’re left wondering what the fuck they told Bruce about it in the first
place. Next, we see Saxon preparing to board the boat for Han’s island <b><u>FLASHBACK! </u></b>Saxon’s flashback
shows him playing golf. He’s playing with this other guy and they put a bet on
Saxon potting the ball or whatever it’s called in Golf. Saxon fucks this up so
he’s already down a couple of thousand dollars to this other guy. Saxon smashes
his ball into the rough so he goes looking for it when these big dudes in suits
and moustaches appear from the trees, saying he owes them serious money. I
think it’s all gambling money or something. That’s probably true given that
he’s just unwisely gambled with his golfing partner. It’s never really
mentioned what it is Saxon does for a living, by the way but it seems to be
something where he can play golf all day. I sometimes like to imagine he works
with something really dull like timber or steel which is why he spends his time
learning Kung Fu and playing golf. Anyway, he has a hilarious fight with these
guys and high tails it to Hong Kong. Now it’s time for us to meet Kelly’s
character <b><u>FLASHBACK! </u></b>Kelly’s
leaving this all-black karate school when he’s stopped by these two asshole
Policemen who are using a load of racial slurs and trying to arrest him for
being black on a Friday night or whatever. These guys are stupid even for
racists. These Policemen literally pull up outside the building that Kelly is
leaving like they were waiting for him. Kelly isn’t taking no shit from the
man, so he resists arrest and beats the shit out of these cops who are just
pissed off that Kelly has plane tickets to Hong Kong. Then he fucks right out
of that place in their patrol car and heads to the airport. Don’t know how he
made it there. You’d think someone would have stopped him. It can’t be that
easy to steal a Police car and drive it to an airport I wouldn’t have thought. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Got a passport, have ya? Gonna be doin' some legal travelling, are ya? Tickets probably bought and paid for with wages from your steady job, huh? We'll soon see about that, you son of a bitch!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After these flashbacks have finished, all of the principle
cast are on a boat bound for Han’s island. You find out that Kelly and Saxon
are old Vietnam buddies. They seem to have a kind of sixth sense for dangerous
situations and are constantly giving one another little looks to show each other
that they know shit isn’t right. Right after Kelly and Saxon reunite is where
we meet Boat Asshole. I’m sure this character is called Parsons and someone
mentions that he’s from New Zealand so essentially, he’s Russell Crowe because
he’s sort of Antipodean and an overly aggressive prick. He’s so incidental
though that it doesn’t really matter what his name is so I call him Boat
Asshole. When the boat is well under-way for the island, Boat Asshole is just
hanging out on deck when he just starts kicking all the hired help around for
like no reason. He approaches Bruce and starts doing some flexing and other
weird shit in front of him to try and intimidate him. Boat Asshole wants to
fight and tries to get Bruce to show him some of his moves. Bruce agrees but humiliates
the guy by tricking him into getting into this little rowing boat and then
threatening to let go of the line. All the guys that Boat Asshole has just been
kicking around get a good laugh out of it so justice is served for the time
being but you know this prick is going to be back for seconds later on in the
movie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtQz6KNo019tnpGNBFHDr8dvFF65mdoDUZ53evkcXAJRECcA3jYTHaOP7WvgNM9zKRboNtM1neCfOirt47Jp8xUu7N63ruTKFceveKwuDmt7PA6x_j9IzA4mg4S0Wyk8W5M826prqCMiXo/s1600/Boat+Asshole.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtQz6KNo019tnpGNBFHDr8dvFF65mdoDUZ53evkcXAJRECcA3jYTHaOP7WvgNM9zKRboNtM1neCfOirt47Jp8xUu7N63ruTKFceveKwuDmt7PA6x_j9IzA4mg4S0Wyk8W5M826prqCMiXo/s400/Boat+Asshole.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Fuck you, Boat Asshole. You don't even deserve anything even remotely resembling a funny caption</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, the boat arrives at Han’s island and the contestants are
greeted by this big mother fucker called Bollo who spends his time looking mean
and menacing even though he’s basically a glorified bell boy in this scene.
Bollo is kind of a random element in this movie but you’ll get to learn more
about him a bit later. There’s also this woman called Tania who Saxon
immediately spots and starts making creepy comments about. She leads them away
from the boat and around the main building where you see all of Han’s students
standing in formation and doing some kung-fu moves in unison. One of the guys
isn’t really keeping up with the others so I’m guessing he’s the remedial
student. You’ll spot him if you look carefully. Tania tells everyone that there
will be a feast in the main hall at 8:00pm. She tells everyone at the front of
the line, at least, which includes Kelly, Bruce and Saxon. I guess she just
leaves it up to chance that Boat Asshole and all the other contestants will
work it out later on that there’s food and a party when they start to get
hungry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the next scene, it’s much later on (probably after
8:00pm) and everyone’s in the main hall having fun at the feast. There’s Sumo
wrestling going on in the middle of the room, these little jester guys are cart
wheeling around the place, chicks are serving food etc. It’s pretty good. Kelly
and Saxon have this chat about how something doesn’t seem right although to be
fair, we only know something isn’t right because we know from Braithwaite’s
briefing that Han is an asshole so they’ve got no real reason to be this suspicious
yet. That Tania chick from before is there and she’s dressed like Barbarella
and even O’Hara shows up, looking like he took a wrong turn coming out of
Medieval world. All of a sudden, there’s this huge gong sound (which I think
must be someone hitting a gong) and Han comes in through these big double doors,
followed by these chicks who don’t say anything. He starts going on about how
everyone that’s taking part has honed their body to the peak of physical
perfection and he makes it sound like they’ve all sacrificed something to be as
skilled as they are which I can believe in Bruce’s case and probably even
Kelly’s but Saxon? This guy can’t even convince me that what’s sitting on top
of his head is real hair. I mean, look at this shit; even imdb is trying to
tell me that he has a black belt in karate. I’m looking at the trivia page
right now. I don’t believe this shit for a second. Anyway, Han has finished his
speech and he walks over to this big bowl of apples. He starts throwing them in
the air and the chicks he’s brought in with him start throwing these concealed
darts at them. Some of the random guys in the room catch the apples with darts
in them before Bruce catches one which is thrown by the woman he recognises
from the picture Braithwaite gave him earlier on in the movie. Han leaves the
room and the party continues. I don’t know why he felt it necessary to show off
his dart blowing chicks in this way. They don’t really factor into this movie
at any point later on which is kind of a shame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9cFLWBcaFEh4LUYwjGarxKlfpyjunH4ujUQBGM-ipzFWZrPTze7kqtJpEsnJKPZBZWQzV1rX_JjVcaqayGPkkzOyWGlgelBhJQ9WQlrDAcySBmQcG-1IktxhdYbIsgBp2s0v9KqbUxJJ/s1600/Wig.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9cFLWBcaFEh4LUYwjGarxKlfpyjunH4ujUQBGM-ipzFWZrPTze7kqtJpEsnJKPZBZWQzV1rX_JjVcaqayGPkkzOyWGlgelBhJQ9WQlrDAcySBmQcG-1IktxhdYbIsgBp2s0v9KqbUxJJ/s400/Wig.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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'<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What's that, sweetcheeks? Yes, I'm a blackbelt...yes, 'seriously'...sure thing I'll wait while you look it up on imdb'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Later on, after dinner, all the contestants are back in
their rooms and Tania is knocking on the guests’ doors and offering them sexy
fun time with this wide selection of chicks from Han’s own, personal stash. I kind of feel bad for Tania at this point because she’s been there to
greet the contestants when they first arrived, she was at the party and now
she’s in full of Madame mode, dispensing whorey delights on the contestants.
She’s been through at least two hair style changes and three dress changes by this
point. The first room she goes to is Kelly’s, who’s listening to some sort of
funky jazz on his head phones when they first come in. Kelly picks out four
girls saying that he would have picked more but it’s been a long day and he’s
tired. Tania doesn’t seem impressed by this but she should be happy because
this is kind of her job and her reaction is as stupid as someone working on a
used car lot getting angry that he’s sold every car on the same day. Next, she
goes to Bruce’s room. He’s not interested in any of the tarts on display,
instead asking for the owner of the dart that he picked up from the party.
Tania says she can arrange this for him. It’s all business with Bruce. Not sexy
business. Secret agent business. The
final room we see (and there have to be a lot of rooms. There were at least 40
contestants at the party, perhaps more. That’s a lot of whores Han must have)
is Saxon’s but there’s only one chick he’s got his dubious martial arts skill
eyes on and that’s Tania. She seems quite happy with this despite the fact that
she and Saxon haven’t exchanged a single word before this point in the film.
Meanwhile, Bruce is chatting to the girl with the dart who we find out is
called Mai-Ling. She tells Bruce that she’s monitored all the time and she
doesn’t know shit about what Han is up to. She also tells him that there are
all these girls that go missing on the island but we kind of know what happens
to them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next scene is morning time and Bruce is busting out some
moves in his room when O’Hara comes in and tells Bruce to attend a morning
ritual in uniform which he doesn’t. He turns up in this brown karate suit which,
for a secret agent, is kind of stupid because he’s obviously trying to
infiltrate this thing that Han has got going on and he doesn’t want to draw
attention to himself. One of Han’s guys confronts him about it but Bruce has
nothing for this except a stern look which seems to be ok because this guy
leaves him alone. So next time you want to go into work and you fancy opting
for a sarong and not your usual shirt and tie ensemble, just flash your boss a
stern look when he questions you. It works. After this, we get to see Kelly
fighting Boat Asshole and Kelly hands his ass to him pretty heavily. All the
time while this is going on, there’s a little guy with a toothbrush, Hitler
‘tache who’s running his own little gambling ring which Saxon is naturally
taking part in. Hitler ‘tache looks a bit too old to be taking part in anything to do with the tournament or the kung fu school and we
never see him fight so I’m assuming he’s just a guy who lives on the island
although I don’t know why Mr Han would have anyone on this island other than
his guards, whores, heroin employees and sweet throwing dart chicks. Saxon gets
to kick some guy’s ass while Kelly carries on the betting. Again, a lot of
Saxon’s moves are kind of shown with a close angle so you don’t have to see his
sloppy kicks. There’s a lot of movement implied but never really shown. They
don’t do a great job of hiding it.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuHWXc43S8EOm8kt-aAnFMa2rf6zLklEfXAwKE9hajZt3BKpvKqqbvJypZsBAA2VfN7n0KEOdtXKQZCEBcBlCUABwSmbNwQkIf9ONoGw_7s5r8lSMX9HmMpRS1w-u3FvnSenJ0kKyFVkz9/s1600/Hitler+Tache.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuHWXc43S8EOm8kt-aAnFMa2rf6zLklEfXAwKE9hajZt3BKpvKqqbvJypZsBAA2VfN7n0KEOdtXKQZCEBcBlCUABwSmbNwQkIf9ONoGw_7s5r8lSMX9HmMpRS1w-u3FvnSenJ0kKyFVkz9/s400/Hitler+Tache.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Bet you $20 that my toupee and awkward karate is less offensive to the Jewish community than your moustache'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Later on, Saxon is in his room having some sexy time with
Tania while Kelly is in his room with these four chicks again. Kelly mentions
that he wants to go outside but one of the girls tells him that this is
forbidden. Kelly ignores this warning and goes outside anyway. Elsewhere, Bruce
is also making a quick trip outside but the difference is, he’s decked out in
this all-in-one number and he’s doing some covert ninja shit across the palace
grounds to dig up some dirt on Han. This scene is pretty good and there’s some
good tension built up as you’re watching Bruce sneak around the palace but
you’re left wondering why Han would employ such utter fucking dip shits as his
guards. Maybe they’re his nephews or something. He can’t have picked them
himself unless they’re agency workers. I’ve worked for agencies before and they
don’t always employ the cream of the crop. I’ll give these guys a break if
that’s the case. Anyway, Bruce does some snooping around and finds this
concealed hatch in the grounds, which leads to an underground warehouse of
sorts. I say it’s concealed, but the only concession they’ve made to concealing
it is putting a potted plant on top of it. His investigation is cut short when
two guards find the rope Bruce has used to climb down the hatch. He beats the
shit out of them and makes his escape back to his room. Meanwhile, Kelly is
still outside catching some air and doing some moves when he spots Bruce making
his escape across the palace walls. Kelly, true to character, doesn’t give a
fuck, decides to make a pithy comment and thinks nothing more of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next morning, Han has called all the contestants to the
courtyard and he’s pissed. He’s found out about someone snooping around the
grounds and brings that big mother fucker Bollo into play to discipline the
guards and by ‘discipline’ I mean ‘murder the fuck out of’. This is where it’s
kind of confusing because I thought O’Hara was supposed to be the main cause
for concern for everyone what with him being Han’s personal body guard but by
this point, all we’ve seen him do is ineffectually try to rape someone, turn up
to a dinner party in clothes which are about five hundred years out of date and
stand at Bruce’s door thinking he’s the shit but with no proof to back it up.
It’s soon O’Hara’s time to shine though because as soon as Bollo has finished
snapping spines and crunching necks, he steps into the ring with Bruce. O’Hara
has this prop board with him which he smashes in front of Bruce’s face but you
get the impression that this asshole always does this before a fight and just
brings something like balsa wood for the effect. Bruce is unperturbed by this
because he can probably punch through an entire fucking forest without breaking
a sweat. The fight between Bruce and O’Hara doesn’t take long for Bruce to
finish. He keeps getting the drop on O’Hara and the bouffant prick never even
manages to a get a single punch in. O’Hara loses his shit after Bruce has
kicked him through some chairs and picks up these two bottles which are lying
around. He smashes them and starts to make his way towards Bruce. There’s this
pretty call slow mo sequence of Bruce disarming him and kicking him to the
floor before he finally puts this bastard out of his misery by stomping his
head into the floor. Bruce turns around and remembers that he’s taking part in
a martial arts tournament and probably shouldn’t have pulped O’Hara’s head but
Han doesn’t give a shit. He just says that O’Hara was a bit of a dick cheese
for trying to stab Bruce up with some broken bottles and leaves. Just after
this happens, Saxon mentions to Kelly that he’ll be in his room if he wants to talk
about anything that’s just happened and given that the last five minutes of
their lives have been all about dudes murdering other dudes in what was
supposed to be a friendly martial arts tournament, you kind of understand why
Kelly says he’ll be along for a chat in about half an hour. Saxon exits the
courtyard but before Kelly can leave, Tania approaches him and says that Han
wants to see him in his study.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLtv8SIWllsjFjqe6dbPdx5HoduyANCUHP9YUwPc9NuGFIL8R7xYBODpQIKNJmBGUOXe1GiMD1-eKDtFsYJexMDZ8yqLk-pWxws8hVcKatSzdYVsPK9IhA1OzKqFuF0SyvJ_vDUeYCuyjx/s1600/Oh,+Shit.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLtv8SIWllsjFjqe6dbPdx5HoduyANCUHP9YUwPc9NuGFIL8R7xYBODpQIKNJmBGUOXe1GiMD1-eKDtFsYJexMDZ8yqLk-pWxws8hVcKatSzdYVsPK9IhA1OzKqFuF0SyvJ_vDUeYCuyjx/s400/Oh,+Shit.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'SUPERSISTERRAPEVENGEANCEKICK HI-YAH!!!!' - Street Fighter II: Enter The Dragon Edition</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The following scene is probably one of the most
simultaneously disappointing but brilliant moments in cinema.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly walks into Han’s study so blissfully unaware of the
shit storm that’s about to go down. Han starts off being complimentary about
Kelly’s skill but then segues into this little life lesson about how Kelly
should really prepare himself for defeat. Kelly, understandably, can’t get
behind this shit. He’s Jim Kelly, for Christ’s sake. He tells Han that if
someone does ever defeat him, he won’t notice because he’ll be too busy looking
good. Han decides to cut straight to the chase at this juncture and asks Kelly
what he was looking for when he attacked the guards the other night. Kelly
tells Han that it wasn’t him. Han counters by saying that he was the only one
outside of the palace. Kelly owns up to being outside but says that he wasn’t
the only one outside that night. When Han demands to know who else was outside,
Kelly’s done fucking around with this turkey. He tells Han that he wants to
leave the island and Han denies him. Kelly’s response is the stuff of cult
movie legend and I just want you to indulge me here for a moment. For everyone
who’s seen this movie (that’s everyone, ever in the world, right?) and anyone who hasn't, please hit 'play' in 3...2...1<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/eHYNxfcr8W0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn, that feels good. Feel free to replay it a couple more times. Just after this, Kelly notices that
there are some guards outside Han’s study. He turns to Han and tells him (yep,
we’re doing this shit again)…</span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/1Nvdh0FMzr0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The fight that Kelly has with the guards is pretty good and
shows off some more of his natural skill at martial arts but it feels like a
bit of an afterthought given what we know will happen to him when this is over.
The end of this fight with the guards is officially the end of the awesome in
this scene. Han gets up from his desk to finish what his guards are incapable
of doing and he and Kelly square off. Kelly throws up a pretty mega kick but he
collides with Han’s hand and recoils in pain. Turns out Han has a fucking metal
left hand which he can detach, chop and change with various instruments of
death as he sees fit. I’m not going to spend too much time on this scene
because it fucking grates with me that Kelly is killed off. It adds an extra
dimension to the film because you can’t help but have become attached to Kelly’s
character by this point so seeing him killed off is really disappointing but
really shocking. It doesn’t spoil the movie but it doesn’t sit right especially
not with how much they’ve been building up the character. Fucking Hollywood
agents and their opinions. We could have had the ultimate bad-ass showdown with
Bruce, Saxon and Kelly fighting back to back and taking down the whole
operation. That’s right; I’d even allow Saxon to take part in it. No hard
feelings or anything. So anyway, just to round this scene off, Kelly is punched
and kicked around and then killed off in a really brutal way by Han and his
T-800 hand.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the next scene, Han is having a walk with Saxon through
his war room where he’s got all these antique weapons and suits of armour. Han is
explaining that he wants to talk about some important shit with Saxon. It’s
worth noting that Han has a white cat in his arms in this scene. It serves a
purpose just a few more minutes into the scene and kind of creates the illusion
that he’s had it all the way through the film because he’s already been
revealed to have a metal hand and a private island. Han is never more of a
James Bond villain than he is in this scene and it’s easy to forget that at no
other point in the film does he really resemble one. Anyway, he’s chatting with
Saxon when they get to the end of this war room and Han puts his cat’s head on
an antique guillotine. Saxon takes the cat off the block just as Han pulls the
cord to the machine. We find out that it’s a dummy guillotine because it acts
as an elevator to the underground warehouse which Bruce discovered earlier on.
They continue to walk through the warehouse area and for a while, it all seems
kosher. Then we come across these glass sided torture boxes where Han keeps all
these chicks hooked on heroin. Bless the 70’s for having a limited
understanding of the effects of hard drugs but the solemnity of the moment is
ruined by Hollywood naivety as women either stare vacantly into space or shake
their head repeatedly like malfunctioning droids. As if this wasn’t enough,
Han shows Saxon all these prison cells which are chock full of dudes in black
overalls who he says are drunks and various other vagabonds from the city who
have lost their way. Why he keeps them here in this way is never really
explained. It’s a bit creepy really when you think about it. Seriously, why
would you actively collect drunks and keep them locked up in cells? Weirdo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKldQxMTeW7D0UvJicdfvGrqEj6pOlzM3chAbkNEWOLo4ZO1DsOLu6iixcQbTYh4CavfQ6x-1a7GAsqejJk0OHVJFEcLyYiP6TZm3EC_tZuICgMkSdYqM3r5GwiiRLn6IBTr3Hkul4JD1N/s1600/Drunks.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKldQxMTeW7D0UvJicdfvGrqEj6pOlzM3chAbkNEWOLo4ZO1DsOLu6iixcQbTYh4CavfQ6x-1a7GAsqejJk0OHVJFEcLyYiP6TZm3EC_tZuICgMkSdYqM3r5GwiiRLn6IBTr3Hkul4JD1N/s400/Drunks.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Dude, seriously?! You collect drunks? Why would you collect drunks? That's a fucking weird hobby, buddy. Just saying'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, Han shows
Saxon his heroin racket and asks him if he wants to represent his organisation
in America. Saxon, despite being an irresponsible dick with a serious gambling
addiction, is a deeply moral guy and can’t do this. Han decides to try another
tactic and shows him Kelly’s lifeless body hanging above what I always think is
a piranha pool but isn’t actually. It’s just a pool. Let’s put what Han is
trying to do to Saxon into simplistic business terms; I sell ice cream. It’s
pretty damn good and is a proven, competitive brand in the market. I have a
little ice cream stall which you’re walking past one day and I try to entice
you into buying one. You refuse, stating politely that you’re lactose
intolerant and the dairy produce in my ice cream will make you ill. I take this
information on board and respond by smashing the ice cream into my asshole
before jumping up and down and threatening to kill your parents. It’s kind of like
that but Han doesn’t smash anything into his ass. Not on camera, anyway. So,
Saxon has reached a bit of an impasse by this point and keeps his
acknowledgement of the situation kind of nondescript as to avoid meeting the
same fate. At this stage, Han thinks he has Saxon in the bag.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, above
ground, Bruce is doing some more snooping around. This time when he approaches
the hidden hatch, there’s a fucking cobra just chilling out near it. Bruce grabs
the snake and puts it in this handy little snake sack that he brought with him.
Actually, that’s probably the bag that his climbing rope came in. He climbs
down into the warehouse area again but this time doesn’t get interrupted above
ground so he manages to make it all the way down. Bruce comes across this
control room which he can’t circumnavigate and notices a radio inside. To get
the guys manning the control room out that place, he throws the snake in there
but smacks it round the head first for good measure. The guys in the control
room get the fuck out of that place pretty damn fast so Bruce gets in and sends
a message over the radio to Braithwaite. By this point, all hell has broken
loose and Bruce has to fight a load of Han’s guards. This is probably the best
of Bruce’s fight scenes in the movie and even progresses onto the infamous
nun-chuck scene where he gets to demonstrate his awesome ability with weapons.
He dispatches the majority of these guards in a fairly standard, non-lethal way
with the exception of one guard who he mercilessly slaughters in the same way
he disposed of O’Hara earlier on. His motivations for taking all his aggression
out on this one guard remain hazy. So, Bruce gets a good run of beating up
these guards and he’s trying to find a way out of the underground warehouse
when he runs into this one room and these steel doors come down around him,
locking him in until Han is ready to deal with him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This just looks too fucking cool to not put in this review</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next scene shows Han’s courtyard and Bruce is standing
next to Bollo who’s keeping an eye on him. A guard brings Saxon to the
courtyard and it’s pretty obvious to all assembled that Han wants Saxon to kick
Bruce’s ass. In the context of the film, this was never going to happen. In
real life, this was never going to happen. If the magic of movies and the
allure of being an actor lie in the fact that we get to become everything we’ve
always wanted to be, Saxon is getting the shit end of the stick in this scene. He quite rightly refuses to co-operate with
Han who responds by setting Bollo on him. Saxon makes pretty easy work out of Bollo,
who tries to pull some spine snapping tricks on him. Saxon fights dirty though
and manages to give Bollo the drubbing he deserves. He would have made a better
target for Bruce’s angst rather than that guard who’d done literally nothing
but try to earn his pay cheque. Han gets royally pissed at this and sets all
the students on Saxon and Bruce. Meanwhile, Mai Ling is setting all the drunks
and losers from the prison cells free and the Coastguard are scrambling to
helicopters to make their way to Han’s island. Meanwhile, Bruce and Saxon are
ploughing through these students like they aint no thing. This is testament to Han's skill as a kung fu master because every single one of these students is fucking useless. All the
drunks from the cells are above ground now and fighting the students alongside Bruce and Saxon. It’s curious to see that all of these drunks possess the same level of kung fu skill as the students so I’m wondering if Han’s selflessness extends even to the
prisoners that he collects for no reason and he just can’t help but teach them
some kung fu, too. In fact, he's taught them better kung fu because they're ploughing through Han's guards pretty easily as well. While all this fighting is going on, Bruce is trying to make
his way to Han for the final showdown but one of the students commits the
cardinal sin of interrupting Bruce’s singular, destined approach towards Han. This
is the action movie version of cock blocking and I fucking hate to see it. You
know whoever interrupts our hero isn’t worth shit and Bruce, true to form, gets
this guy out of the way really easily so it’s kind of pointless him doing it in
the first place. Han has brought a wooden box out with him to the courtyard
because it has one of his little hand attachments in it. Han has a lot of
spikey hand attachments and this one looks like it belongs to the King of The
Wicker People armour from Tim Burton’s Batman movie. Han gets it stuck in a
chair as he’s taking a swing for Bruce which makes him look like a dickhead.
Han makes a quick exit but Bruce has had enough of this bullshit and follows
him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This man cannot teach hundreds of students to beat up two guys with any success</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bruce follows Han to his war room where he’s now changed his
hand into this weird fucking chrome lions paw thing. They have a bit of a fight
in here which looks cool. Han tries to run Bruce through with a spear but instead
he drives it into one of the walls. Bruce continues to pound on his ass but Han
bitches out and escapes into this hall of mirrors which he has hidden behind a
revolving wall in the war room. Bruce follows him in and becomes a bit disoriented
by all the mirrors and shit. This scene is cool and all and it’s easy to just
admire the production value and the creativeness behind having a final battle
in these surroundings but ask yourself this; why does this room even exist?
What practical application does it serve? Is this Han’s sexy time room? Was one
mirror above the bed just not enough? We see like a dressing gown hanging up in
there and that’s all the evidence I need. Anyway, Bruce is wandering around
looking for Han and, just like the little bitch he is, he strikes from a
distance and then disappears again. You’re wondering how Bruce is going to win
this one given that he’s fighting Han on his terms and not his own. We then
hear this voice over, like it’s playing through Bruce’s head, of something that
the Shaolin monk from way back at the start of the film told him about breaking
the opponent’s image. I see what they did there. Mirrors. Image. Mirror image.
That’s some clever shit, right there. So
Bruce smashes as many mirrors as he can to distort the image and therefore
giving Han less of an advantage. As he’s doing this, Han comes in for the kill
but Bruce is ready for him. He kicks Han so hard that this prick falls onto the
spear which is poking through the wall from the war room. Bruce actually looks
pretty surprised that this has happened, like he wasn’t expecting this kind of
luck. Given that he’s almost been murdered several times over the last few
days, I guess you wouldn’t be expecting a break like that either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspzRfj3BxxhbCWI7wQmYwUTTAzIUjU7tCw1kSblt14A9AgaLkIe8DFyUtmbCK5f_bZH2ylkiNvSC7l45q2TyLqG8mn4uJz4xgNoFaVWRVui53Ai7l06tRsXh7fihRxLj9pgKJjQVpGH9Z/s1600/Luck.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspzRfj3BxxhbCWI7wQmYwUTTAzIUjU7tCw1kSblt14A9AgaLkIe8DFyUtmbCK5f_bZH2ylkiNvSC7l45q2TyLqG8mn4uJz4xgNoFaVWRVui53Ai7l06tRsXh7fihRxLj9pgKJjQVpGH9Z/s400/Luck.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Ho-lee shit! Did you see that?! Somebody tell me they saw that...ah, shit'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back in the courtyard, things have finally wound down. Saxon
is taking a breather and looking out over all the unconscious and probably dead
bodies. He scans across the courtyard and notices Tania has been killed which
he’s pretty sad about. Bruce comes back up to the courtyard and spots him and
gives him the thumbs up. They both look pretty sad, to be fair and this is
where the film ends as the Coastguard turn up in their helicopter’s just a
little too late to have saved some lives. Pretty fucking bleak, all things
considered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, Enter the Dragon is a great movie with some sharp editing,
interesting set pieces and a kick ass Lalo Schifrin soundtrack. All the
performances are great and even though I rag on Saxon a lot, he’s really good
and I don’t know who else could have brought the charm to this movie quite like
he does. Of course, we’re here to honour Jim Kelly above all else and he really
is the star of this movie in many ways. Don't get me wrong; Bruce is great and rightly deserves his
place as a legend of martial arts cinema and as a cultural icon but we started
this journey because of Jim and his big personality. If by some stretch of the imagination you've never seen a Jim Kelly movie or know someone who hasn't seen a Jim Kelly movie, spread the love. A bit more Jim Kelly
love in the world can never be a bad thing. And on that note, I think I've only got one more thing to say: Jim, you’re sorely missed, man. Thanks
for all the awesome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, and please understand; if I've missed anything, it's been a big day. I'm a little tired.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWm1kgLoun7WFG7bRN_0EtZNRI2AWcWL1a3XdfELO82IpoExvEzo78f3b_ygNQy5tHzCK6aHBxAZ534aRGuM11g2eBP2l3sqUXwL-5j8hBmQm0JH8hJGd1Yi5ePetxKLsl5rdL3XG0Lj9w/s1600/Jim+Kelly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWm1kgLoun7WFG7bRN_0EtZNRI2AWcWL1a3XdfELO82IpoExvEzo78f3b_ygNQy5tHzCK6aHBxAZ534aRGuM11g2eBP2l3sqUXwL-5j8hBmQm0JH8hJGd1Yi5ePetxKLsl5rdL3XG0Lj9w/s320/Jim+Kelly.jpg" width="248" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Pictured: Bad Ass</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER</b> (Please) @exploitmovie</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>HASHTAG THIS BITCH!</b> #exploitationmoviereview #enterthedragon #bullshitmrhanman #ripjim</span></div>
Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-23281506258616073152013-07-15T22:59:00.001+01:002013-07-15T23:09:09.021+01:00News Update<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hello, everyone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just wanted to make any newcomers and regular readers aware that I'm currently locked in a titanic struggle of bureaucracy with Twitter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Basically, they've suspended @exploitmovie because I was trying to network socially on a social networking site. I've made my apologies via email, pleaded for my electronic life, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">bowed before the infinite majesty of King Twit and apparently, I'm now in a queue with technical support so normal services should be resumed somewhere between now and the last days of Sodom (apparently it's within five days but I expect it'll be done sooner than that).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, for anyone who has followed me and has come here looking for answers; don't worry, I'm still here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For anyone new to the site and thinking to themselves 'Hey, this guy is a pretty funny dude. I think I'll take his advice and follow him on Twitter...say...there aint no '@exploitmovie' on Twitter. That sack of shit lied to me!'; don't worry, I'm still here and please check back in a few days and the Twitter feed should be working again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thanks for your time,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rich.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">P.S Couple of people have mentioned that the black background/white writing was making their eyes do crazy shit. Can't say it affected me to be honest but I'm not the guy reading the damn thing so the layout has been changed for your viewing pleasure.</span>Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-44664216843600327472013-07-14T19:30:00.000+01:002013-07-16T00:03:31.442+01:00Black Belt Jones aka Dick Punch Jones aka Bad Maths and Psychopaths<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqfP9TarFwL4c-oJMegNcKXnn4yeueai-OT31kJXthbxvlTpF-gmX22a7vavzV4WUmwc5sPDQgtledpPSuO5unNEs1Z-dKH8ugQ3_SUrJPpjFxkBNZkAdBnT-6zbkbAbqQYcVJ-B0BnDOp/s1600/Black+Belt+Jones.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqfP9TarFwL4c-oJMegNcKXnn4yeueai-OT31kJXthbxvlTpF-gmX22a7vavzV4WUmwc5sPDQgtledpPSuO5unNEs1Z-dKH8ugQ3_SUrJPpjFxkBNZkAdBnT-6zbkbAbqQYcVJ-B0BnDOp/s320/Black+Belt+Jones.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hello, everyone. Thanks for coming back. This week, we're going to be looking at Jim Kelly's first starring role - Black Belt Jones. It's an entirely different animal to Black Samurai in the respect that it's not Jim Kelly who's the lunatic in this one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The movie starts with these stereotypical mafia types
driving this big ass car through some fancy looking gates towards a big house
which is also a vineyard. The vineyard is guarded by these big dudes wearing
ringer t-shirts with polar bears on them so you know there’s something a bit
dodgy about this place. Either that or it’s just a really bad ass vineyard with
big dudes acting as front of house and it’s completely legit. So, the car goes
through the gates and there’s a guy looking on from a balcony at the car
pulling up. You later find out that this is Don Steffano and he’s kind of the
main bad guy in this movie although you see a lot more of this black dude
called Pinky and he’s kind of on main bad guy duties to begin with but we’ll
talk more about him in a little while. There’re these two mafia guys in the
car. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of them is called Big Tuna
because his name is Tunasari or something and the other is called Blue Eyes
which I’m assuming is because he has blue eyes and not brown and they’ve just
called him blue eyes ironically or something douchey like that. Big Tuna looks
like your standard lunkheaded mafia guy while Blue Eyes is a creepy, Christopher
Walken looking mother fucker who also kind of looks like a mortician. Actually,
they’re both really stereotypical when I think about it. They wouldn’t be able
to trick you into thinking they weren’t cold blooded killers or anything. You
wouldn’t ask them to, like, cat sit or some shit. They get out the car with
this other dude called Ellis. Ellis is working for the government as a spy and
he’s wearing this watch with all this sophisticated radio shit in it because
you cut to a small scene of these government types listening in on the
conversation that’s going on at the vineyard. They escort him into this room
with all these vats of wine. One of the vats has all this cash in. Big Tuna is
fucking about with this cash, saying it’s hot now but in a couple of years,
they can use it for shirts with big collars or something. Blue Eyes isn’t into
all this fucking around and he just wants business over and done with. He asks
Ellis if he’s brought the money for these photographs that the mob have
acquired. I don’t know what these photographs are of. It doesn’t even allude to
them being kinky bondage shots or anything. At this point, Blue Eyes and Big
Tuna are clearly fucking with him and you know this is going to end in a really
bad way for this Ellis dude. They ask him about his watch and if it’s the kind
of watch that works underwater. Big Tuna starts to take the watch off Ellis’
wrist while Blue Eyes strangles him with what looks like a piece of bungee cord
but I don’t think they had those in the 70’s so we’ll just say it’s coloured
rope. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Say, that's a pretty nice piece of rope HURGH! OH, GOD! WHY?!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t know why they asked him if his watch was the kind that works
underwater because you think they’re going to drown him but they don’t. These
are weird mafia guys. So after they’ve iced this guy, they dump him in one of
the vats which is surely going to spoil the wine. That’s bad business sense and
it’s no wonder these guys aren’t in charge if this is how they do things. We
cut back to the government types looking frustrated that one of their guys has
been killed and one of them says to the other that they need to find ‘Black
Belt’ so you know that this operation has been a cluster fuck right from day
one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’re then introduced to Kelly’s character, Black Belt
Jones. He isn’t called anything other than that, or some variation thereof, throughout
this movie so you’re left thinking that this might be his birth name and some role has been forced upon him by his family, like this is some future Gattaca-esque alternate universe dystopia. I don’t think it is or
anything, I’m just saying it could be. Kelly is at this TV studio where this South
American diplomat is making an impassioned speech. The host of this TV show
says that they’ll be right back after commercial but they’ll be talking to
someone else so this is the diplomat’s cue to leave. Kelly is obviously working
as some sort of bodyguard for this guy and his advisors because he has this
muted conversation with them about leaving the building and you imagine that he’s
said that he’ll go on ahead and scout for potential threats. Outside the TV
studio, the diplomat and his guys are leaving. Now, Kelly’s strolling along
without a care in the world when he happens to catch sight of someone behind a
parked car, with a gun. He’s not being stealth or covert or anything like that.
He’s literally just walking and when he spots the guy with a gun, it’s almost
like he’d forgotten that he was supposed to be looking after these guys.
Anyway, he spots these assassins and bang, we’re in business. This is where the
title sequence kicks in and this is my favourite part of the movie. The title
sequence is all shot in slow-mo and it keeps going to these freeze frames of
Kelly in action or getting ready to kick some ass while this funk track plays
over the top of it. Chronologically speaking, this is technically the first
time we see Kelly punching people in the dick and in this movie, he sure does
show you how to punch a guy in the dick. He does it twice in this scene alone
and this is just the title sequence! Amazing.
Anyway, as the title sequence comes to its conclusion, Kelly shoots an
escaping assassin in the ass, places the gun carefully back where he found it,
gets in his car and promptly fucks off so I guess he did forget that he was
supposed to be playing body guard for these guys in the first place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'You need more lead in your...ass. I was going to say 'diet' but that wouldn't make sense'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Next, we see Kelly in this government guys’ office and it’s
the same guy from earlier on in the film who realised all too late that trying
to infiltrate a criminal organisation wasn’t as easy as, say, a game of Snap.
He’s saying that they need someone to break into Don Steffano’s operation and
they’ve already lost three people to this asshole. Kelly isn’t interested because
he thinks they’ll kill his ass too and so starts a running theme of Kelly
holding down a government job with a lot of responsibility but not wanting to
do what they pay him for unless he has a personal interest in it (see my ‘Black Samurai’ review). You’ve got to ask
yourself; if Kelly doesn’t want to get shot, stabbed, burned, vultured,
sacrificed or whatever, then why the fuck did he say ‘Yes’ when these agencies
offered him a job? Why the shit did he apply for the job in the first place?!
Anyway, he tells Government Guy to have a word with the big men upstairs to arrange to have a tank shoved up this mafia dude’s
ass. Government guy shows Kelly this picture of Don Steffano having an
all-tits-out-super-millionaire-party with these other guys and some chicks and
says that three of the guys in the picture are like senators or something important
so shoving a tank up his ass is out of the question. No one mentions shoving a
tank up anyone’s ass, by the way. Kelly mentions tanks but he doesn’t say to
shove it up Steffano’s ass. That’s just me getting into the spirit of things. Government Guy offers him $100,000 which in 1970’s money is, like, $100,000.
Kelly tells them something cryptic which is a bit racist and he leaves the
office. Government Guy picks up a phone and tells his superior that he
thinks Kelly will accept the mission. I don’t know why he thinks this because
the conversation didn’t really play out in their favour if you ask me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Up next; back to Don Steffano’s bad-ass vineyard and there’s
some bald mob guy talking to Blue Eyes about how they murdered Ellis. Don
Steffano over hears this and tells this guy never to mention Ellis again. This
dude is carrying a suitcase which has all these maps and important things in
it. He tells Don Steffano that he had to call in a lot of favours for the information he's about to give him although I don't know why given that Steffano is already having super-dick-out parties with chicks and senators who could easily give him this info. The senators that is, not the chicks. They're just at the party because titties. He tells Steffano that there’s a central piece of land which is
the key to the whole deal. That seems a bit hyperbolic though. The city wants
to build a civic centre and the mob obviously want to get in on it but saying this shitty
little building is ‘the key to the whole deal’ is odd. Just buy the building.
Or offer to open the karate school in one of the new buildings or set it up in
a nicer area of the city. There are a lot of other options open to him and I doubt ‘kill the shit out of everyone’ is the answer anyone would arrive at first. Bald guy tells Don Steffano that the building in question is a karate school owned by a guy called Papa Byrd (played by Scatman Crothers). Steffano looks up musingly like he's had dealings with this guy in the past. Holy shit, could we be getting some ultimate karate master showdown between Crothers and Steffano? Or between Steffano and Kelly? SPOILERS No.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">'Papa Byrd...Papa Byrd...wait! Is he the big, yellow chicken guy from 'Sesame Street'? No? Oh, I don't know him then'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next scene is where we get to meet Crothers as Papa Byrd and he's a bit of an irresponsible prick. He spends his
time gambling and chasing girls even though he’s like a thousand years old and
runs a karate school. He ignores conversations about business, won't marry his girlfriend even though she's been waiting for him to ask for fifteen years and doesn’t seem
to understand the depth of the shit that he’s in at any point in this movie. He leaves the day-to-day running of the karate school to his head karate guys called Toppy and Quincy. He arrives at the school and goes into this back room where he starts having an argument with his girlfriend, Lucy. She's looking at this picture of Crothers and this little girl who we find out is Sydney, Crothers' daughter. Toppy comes in and tries to have it out with Crothers about how he's a useless piece of shit and doesn't even teach class anymore. Lucy suggests that he doesn't teach class because he’s tired
and out of shape and spends all of his time woman chasing but again, it’s more likely
that it’s because he’s a thousand years old and can't lift his leg without having a stroke. If they’re trying to sell me the
idea that Scatman Crothers is skilled in martial arts, I’m not buying it. Don’t
get me wrong, I don’t dislike Crothers at all and he's a decent actor but I barely bought him as a
psychic in The Shining so I’m sure as shit not going to buy him as a martial
arts instructor. Shit, I barely even believe David Carradine could throw a
punch and he was in Kung Fu.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next scene is some black panther looking dudes walking
towards this club called ‘Hip Pocket’ which belongs to a big badger bearded
mother fucker called Pinky. These black panther militants tell Pinky to stop
selling drugs to the locals because it’s destroying the community. They don’t
go into this confrontation very well prepared because Pinky’s men manage to
capture them pretty quickly. Pinky’s about to do some dental work on one of the
guys with a pool ball but then there’s a knock at the side door of the club. Turns out this is Big Tuna and
Blue Eyes. The mob give him the job of putting the squeeze on Crothers because
Pinky has been stealing money from them. There's a running theme of really fucked up maths through this film and it starts here. Big Tuna tells Pinky that they figure he's stolen about a million from Don Steffano by now and they say that he should pay half which, to Tuna, is two hundred and fifty thousand. That's...that's not half. Anyway, Pinky and these guys turn up at the
karate school and start throwing the students around. Pinky likes calling people
‘ants’ which isn’t going to endear him to anyone and gets tiresome after a while. The students kick the shit out of Pinky and his men and you're left wondering why Pinky looks so indignant given that he's just taken a bunch of fat guys into a karate school and expected the owners to just hand everything over. Interesting note; one of Pinky's men, called Jelly, is played by Earl Jolly Brown who also appeared in Live and Let Die alongside Gloria Hendry who plays Sydney in this movie. Knowledge is power, kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If being bad at simple maths is the running theme here, then lack of basic logic skills is the sub-plot</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Next, Kelly is acting as trampoline instructor for some
chicks at the beach. The government can’t be paying too well if he has to work
as security for South American dignitaries AND as a girls only trampoline
instructor. It’s the hardest way to make an easy living I guess. He gets a call
from Toppy at the karate school saying that Pinky’s men showed up earlier and
they’ll probably be coming back later on that night. Kelly agrees to come and
help do something about it although why they don’t call the police or community support or whatever is unknown. When Kelly arrives at the school, Toppy is concerned about Crothers because he's an irresponsible dick and he knows that he owes Pinky some money. It's a bit like Toppy can't make his mind up though because he asks Kelly to speak to him about being such a dick, Kelly agrees but then Toppy says that Crothers won't listen. Confusing but on the whole, Toppy is a responsible guy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, it’s night time and Kelly is half naked at the karate school.
He could have done all this in a tracksuit or something but he decides to do it
half naked. Toppy is with him and they notice that Pinky and his men are coming
so they turn the lights out. Kelly tells Toppy to ‘remember; every three
seconds’ and you’re not sure what’s going on but this soon becomes clear. What
Kelly is going to do is prowl around in the dark, all stealth and shit and Toppy
will hit the lights so that Kelly can smack all of Pinky’s men in the mouth before he turns
the lights off again. What follows, my friend, is amazing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So the room’s dark. Pinky and his men are fumbling around
looking for a light switch. All of a sudden Pinky shouts ‘who the hell hit me?’
and then either Kelly or Toppy shouts ‘Batman, motherfucker’ in a deep, dramatic voice.
The lights come on and BANG! Kelly’s kicking ass in slow-mo before Toppy shuts
the lights off again and the room is once more plunged into darkness. This scene is my second favourite of the
entire movie and it only falls short of the title sequence on the technicality
that while awesome, it’s a bit silly. There’s a moment when the lights come
back on and Kelly is wearing a hat. The lights are shut off and when they’re turned
on again, it’s gone. For the briefest moment in time, you’re a passenger aboard
the SS Fractured Brain Tank and you’re hurtling towards a haemorrhage on a sea
of clown’s murder dreams. It’s truly insane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Hat Man, mother fucker!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pinky and his men retreat while Kelly
and Toppy have a good laugh at their expense. Pinky and his men turn up at this bar and they start giving the staff some shit. Pinky asks the woman behind the bar who's in the back room and she lets slip that Crothers is in there. Pinky confronts Crothers at the
back of the club while he’s playing poker. He tells Crothers that he owes him
$11,000 which Crothers says is bullshit because he only owes him $1000. Pinky is continuing the trend for bad maths. He knows how much he owes Pinky so
this guy knows when he owes someone money and he’s responsible enough to
remember the amount so why doesn’t Crothers give a shit about it? I mean, by
this point you know that Pinky and his guys are a pack of bastards so why try
and fuck them on money in the first place? Anyway, Pinky asks one of his guys
to rough up Crothers because he won’t give Pinky the money nor will he give him
the karate school. Pinky’s men punch Crothers in the face a couple of times but
Crothers must have a medical condition which gives him a really weak face
because this punching kills him. There then follows this Viewing (I think it’s
called a Viewing. I know it’s not a Wake because that’s after the dude has been
buried but this is definitely before Crothers is buried) which is a really
weird mix of black gospel but with some eastern influence because all his
students are there doing some tai-chi around the coffin. When it comes to the
funeral itself, the same shit is going there as well except this time, the
eastern influence is mixed in with some traditional New Orleans funeral jazz. So, <o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Government Guy is at the Viewing and Kelly tells him to track down Crothers' daughter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the funeral, we’re introduced to Sydney who Crothers hasn’t seen since she was five years old. Sydney’s a hard bitch
because she sees Crothers’ girlfriend crying and she tells them that she did
all her crying on the way over. I don’t know how much I believe that. I also
think she’s bi-polar and/or a malfunctioning android because she fluctuates
between being sultry and seductive to satanically nasty within the blink of an
eye. To be honest, she’s the worst part of this movie. It’s weird because the
actress was ok in Live and Let Die but she’s just horrible in this. Kelly asks Quincy to take her to her hotel but she
manipulates Quincy into dropping her off at Pinky’s pool hall where she squares
off against a load of Pinky’s men with a display of some impressive karate
skill but she spoils the moment with a homophobic slur which doesn’t even make
sense. After she’s kicked everyone’s
ass, her demeanour changes. She goes all cold and monotone but then changes to
all sweetness and light. To be quite frank, she’s scary. When she’s talking to
Quincy in the car, she asks him a series of questions, one of which doesn’t
make any sense and even Quincy, who let us not forget is a character in a movie
working from a script, can’t answer her because he's too confused. When she first walks into the bar and
asks for Pinky, she speaks like the fucking Terminator, like she has a
pre-programmed set of speech parameters which she can’t deviate from. It’s
difficult to understand why Kelly finds her so attractive when she has the
personality of a serial killer. The fact that she can back up this detachment
from humanity with lethal karate skill is nightmarish. Oh, and she also likes
punching people in the dick.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'<i>BZZZ</i> DOES NOT COMPUTE. WHAT IS THIS THING YOU CALL 'MOURNING'? <i>BZZZ</i>'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back at the school, Quincy tells Kelly how bad-ass she is in a fight. He goes for a walk
with her and talks to her a bit about her father. Sydney tells Kelly that she's jealous of his relationship with her father so she's mastered this one emotion so far. Meanwhile, Pinky has been to see Steffano to explain that one of his guys can punch a man to death and that the karate school now belongs to someone called Sydney. In this scene, we're given some insight into Don Steffano's issues with Aspergers because Big Tuna tells Pinky to walk on his left side and never to walk in front of him. Earlier in the film, Steffano has an issue with the bald mob guy because he's smoking. It's pretty weird. Anyway, Pinky has brought in some hard asses from out of town who go over to the school looking for Sydney. His men have told him that Sydney is a chick and he's pretty pissed that his guys got beaten down by a woman. He shouldn't feel too bad though because she's comprised of living tissue over a metal endo-skeleton. Pinky and his new bunch of heavies beat the shit out of the students at the school and he demonstrates more bizarre maths saying that Crothers owed him $250,000. Pinky kidnaps Quincy and holds him to ransom. Toppy then makes a quick call to Kelly to tell him that Pinky has abducted Quincy and probably failed his SAT's in maths. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly is pretty pissed off about this and takes a gun out of his suitcase and tucks it into his
waistband but he really needs a holster. Perhaps he can't afford one. I don’t get it though because if he’s
not earning enough to buy a holster as a government employee and has to teach big titty chicks
how to trampoline properly, why does he have such a massive house and all these
sharp suits? His car is a piece of shit though. I mean, it looks new but it
seems small. It’s really confusing. I
think Black Belt Jones II should have been about Kelly getting on top of his
finances. It’s easy to see why Kelly can’t balance his books because he doesn’t
seem to understand what Pinky is doing when he adds more and more money to the
IOU. He gets all confused and tells Toppy that he’s coming over and it sounds
like he wants to get the financial side of things straight in his head before
he even considers a rescue. Maybe it’s the way he learns best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'So that's five and...carry the ten...no, mother fucker, I hadn't forgotten about the decimal point! Can't you hear me trying to work this shit out?!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly calls Government Guy and asks him to come over to the school. The whole civic centre plot line comes out and the penny finally drops for everyone concerned. Kelly asks Government Guy for some help in retrieving Quincy and Sydney offers to give Pinky the school but Kelly tells her that this isn't necessary. When Sydney is talking, she tries very hard to approximate human concern for Quincy's well-being. I
can’t give her any credit for this but I’ll give her programmers at Skynet 5
out of 10 for effort. Kelly tells Toppy to wait for a call from Pinky and tells him what to say. Pinky makes a call to Toppy who says that it'll take a few days to get the money.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back at the Government Guy's office, Kelly is telling him what he needs to get Quincy back. They're thinking that they can kill two birds with one stone and take down the mob as well as get Quincy back. Kelly asks for an additional $55,000 dollars from Government Guy who seems agitated by this. Maybe he's thinking that Kelly's maths is off and he doesn't actually need that much money but arguing with him would require a couple of hours and a whiteboard to show him how the figures work out. So, Kelly enlists his trampoline girls into his private army and offers to pay them $5,000 each if they'll help him out with a job. You then get this montage of them setting up all their gadgets for whatever it is Kelly has planned. There's a great moment where Kelly is showing one of the girls how to use a Polaroid camera. I appreciate that in the early seventies, Polaroid's may not have been that common place but it's still pretty stupid to not know how one works.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As Kelly and his trampoline ninja's are making their way into the grounds (which seems really easy - again, the government should probably have asked him to do this first then they wouldn't be down one expensive spy watch), Don Steffano is having some sort of big meet up with other mafia guys. Steffano greets everyone around this dinner table and tells them that they've been having some problems but it is a peaceful time between them all so they should just have something to eat and not talk about any unpleasantness although it's debateable that no one would have brought it up anyway so he's just the worst kind of host if you think about it. Kelly and the titty ninjas are making good progress by this point. They're kicking ass and setting up this intricate series of devices to fool Steffano into thinking that everything is ok. Steffano has all these security cameras up around the grounds so what Kelly has done is attach polaroid pictures to the fronts of the camera's so it looks like the camera is still pointing at the grounds.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'This plan is so stupid that it just might work'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The plan all along has been to steal the money that Steffano keeps in that wine vat and give that to Pinky. Kelly and Sydney escape with the money and that envelope of pictures which no one in the film has mentioned for over an hour. Kelly and Sydney turn up at this warehouse where Pinky is holding Quincy. Pinky is a double crossing piece of shit because he takes the money and gets his men to kick the shit out of Kelly. Sydney makes her way around the building to help Kelly out and her and Quincy escape while Kelly pulls off this fucking awesome kick which is all done in slow-mo. Kelly escapes and makes a call to Big Tuna to tell him that the money Pinky has given him is the same money that was stolen. Back at Pinky's place, Big Tuna and Blue Eyes are seriously going to kill Pinky because he's a double crossing piece of shit. Tuna counts the money in the bag and comes to $250,000 but then asks Pinky where the rest of it is. I think Tuna was just to embarrassed to correct himself earlier and was hoping that Pinky would be able to do the maths himself. Now he's got to kill him because they're both so shitty at division. Pinky manages to convince Tuna and Blue Eyes that it wasn't his men because they're all fat and that they wouldn't have been able to do all that kung fu in the first place. Obesity serves as scientific proof enough that he's telling the truth and they let Pinky go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly and Sydney are at the beach just talking through some stuff about their experiences and what Sydney is going to do next. She mentions that she'll be going back to New York but will continue to run the karate school. Kelly deems this as logical a point as any to try and get fresh with her and this should act as a cautionary tale to all who want to get sexy with a malfunctioning instrument of death that hasn't been programmed to do anything but destroy. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This whole scene is supposed to be cute but it just comes across to me as a
hunt for a rogue cyborg. When Kelly does manage to catch up to her and subdues
her with his junk, I’m surprised that she doesn’t rip his dick off, apologise
unconvincingly and then try and re-attach it with a hot glue gun while vomiting
motor oil. Sydney also gets to showcase more of her disturbing and aggressive
homophobia. During the sex chase, they come across a guy who's just playing some guitar on the beach. Sydney takes the guitar off him and tries to smash it over Kelly's head but completely destroys it against this wooden post. This guy looks seriously fucking crestfallen and they both run off without an apology or anything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">'That's the third guitar I've lost to a kung fu sex chase this week'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After the rude and uncomfortable beach sex, Kelly and Sydney are back at his house. Blue Eyes, Big Tuna and pretty much everyone else turn up at Kelly's house to kill him. Pinky calls Kelly from the car phone and screams at him about the money and the pictures so they're important enough to get the main bad guys all riled up but not important enough to explain to the viewer in any way nor mention that much. Kelly puts a quick call into Government Guy but he's not available (which is actually the second time that's happened in this movie). Kelly and Sydney jump the wall and steal a car off two tourists because they've not done enough to offend and upset innocent people in the last few hours and get into a car chase with the mob. Kelly gets diverted into a garbage truck depot but they can't make their way around all the parked trucks. Their car gets trapped at the exit of a big industrial car wash that the garbage trucks use. Kelly gets out of the car and smashes the fuse box with a wooden pallet because...yeah, there's no reason. It only really serves to create the most homoerotic scene in a movie since the beach volleyball game in Top Gun. Kelly fights literally every single guy in the soap suds and foam spilling out of the truck washer. He throws the guys over to Sydney who puts them all in the back of a garbage truck and hits 'start' on the garbage compactor. I don't think this kills them but she's probably thinking that it does. I can't imagine her disappointment that she doesn't get to hear flesh and sinew becoming pink body mash. There's a lot of dick punching in this fight and even some ball crushing so fans of this won't go hungry. So when Kelly's finished punching everything and Sydney is finished being disappointed that she can't re-stock on human screams, Kelly and Sydney get into the truck with the intention of driving it to the police or the government or God know's who. They're stopped by Government Guy and a load of Policemen who escort the truck out of the city towards somewhere official and government-y.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Disturbingly, it kind of looks like Kelly's beating up a black Santa at one point</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, this is a pretty good movie with some intentionally funny moments. It's a better made movie than Black Samurai so why Jim Kelly didn't keep with a better quality of production like this, I don't know. There are still some bizarre plot inconsistencies though like the photographs which are built up to mean something but then come to nothing and some of the characterisation is odd like Sydney's aggression and Steffano's Aspergers but this is exactly what makes it a classic exploitation movie. Sadly, there’s no decent version of this movie readily available on
Region 2 (if, like me, you live in the U.K, this is balls) so you may well have
to buy a Region 1 copy and get yourself a multi-regional DVD player. Or tell
the man to suck your dick and just download it from a torrent site. I don’t
care. Alternatively, we can all band together and option Arrow
Video or Shameless Screen Entertainment to give us a shiny new 1080p version? I’m
going to start that shit right away. Last one on Arrow’s website gets a punch in
the dick.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Follow me on Twitter!</b> (Please) @exploitmovie</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>HASHTAG THIS BITCH! </b>#jimkelly #exploitationmoviereview #blackbeltjones #badmaths</span></div>
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Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-74841479623387247832013-07-07T22:27:00.001+01:002013-07-14T16:28:11.321+01:00Black Samurai aka Asshole Samurai aka The Violent Delusions of an Un-medicated Psychopath<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's Jim Kelly week here at Exploitation Movie Review and after the sad news of his passing, I wanted to honour the man's life and legacy by taking a look over his small but awesome body of work (yeah, you'll probably find that the next few weeks are all Jim Kelly movies. You're just going to have to find a way to cope with that). We'll start with 'Black Samurai'...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In this movie, Jim Kelly plays Sands, an agent of D.R.A.G.O.N but we never
find out what this is an acronym for, code named Black Samurai but his character
is a complete asshole and quite possibly schizophrenic. He’s not an asshole
like Sonny Chiba’s character in The Street Fighter because he’s never really
set up as anything other than an asshole but this Sands guy is just a fucking
tool. You’ll read about the reasons later but I invite you to have your own asshole/insanity
points tally as we go through. He’s also not really a Samurai because he only
uses a Katana, like, twice in this whole fucking movie. I was sort of suckered
into buying this because the front cover of my DVD has some decent pictures of
Jim Kelly looking tough and it says ‘Star of Enter the Dragon’ so I guess I
should have known that it was going to be pretty liberal with the truth anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The movie starts with these guys cruising in a car and
they’re following this woman called Toki, who’s the daughter of this Japanese
Minister for something. You don’t really find out. The guy in the back of the
car looks like the biggest piece of shit of the three. He’s called Chavez and
he kind of looks like Lee Van Cleef. You later find out that he IS a real piece
of shit because his hobby is rape and woman punching. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'Man, I sure do love rape and woman punching'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They follow this girl
back to this big house with a pool and everything and she settles down to get
her bronze on. These car assholes creep into the back yard and they beat up the
pool boys but then shoot them anyway which seems a bit stupid considering they
could have done that right away. Maybe they’ve got a point to prove or
something. They kidnap Toki and bundle her into their car. This leads into the
title sequence but this is pretty much full of lies too because it shows Kelly
using a Samurai sword like it’s his main weapon and the only people it shows
you him beating down are the midgets from later on in the movie (there are an
uncomfortable amount of midgets in this shit). This kinda makes him look like
a bit of an asshole but because it’s only the title sequence, we’ll mention it
but we won’t count it against him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jim Kelly is on vacation when we get to meet him. Kelly is
playing Tennis with some girl when these two dudes interrupt his game and
probably fuck up his average or whatever it is they have in Tennis. One of them
is called Farnsworth which is really typical stuffy white guy name and the
other is called Pines who shows up later as his contact in California (I'm assuming it's California. I don't think they mention it, it just looks like California). They show him a bunch of photos which include pictures of Chavez and
this guy called Janicot who Farnsworth says is into all this black magic and
voodoo and shit as well as drugs, prostitution etc. He also likes having
midgets around but that apparently isn’t in Farnsworth’s dossier so Kelly has
to find that out for himself. He’s been getting some shit from Toki’s dad so
he’s kidnapped Toki to send a message to this guy to suck his balls and to get
some cash from him. They also show Kelly a picture of this other chick called Synne.
Kelly seems pretty interested in her but Farnsworth and Pines tell him that
she’s a real nasty piece of work and his boner goes away. Kelly isn’t
interested because he’d much rather be playing Tennis and swimming and even
though they try to appeal to his basic humanity by telling him that all the dudes in these pictures are total fucking douche nozzles, he seriously doesn’t give two
shits. When reason and logic fail, they show him a picture of him and Toki
kissing. This is where we find out that Kelly and Toki are seeing one another.
You can tell that they’re in love because we get to see a flashback and they’re
walking in this garden and she’s pointing at things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'I feel so comfortable pointing at things when we're together'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When they kiss, it looks
like Kelly’s into it but she doesn’t look too taken with the situation if you
ask me. Maybe she’s just a really bad actress or maybe the character is
supposed to be a bit reserved. She seemed into him a minute ago when she was
pointing at stuff. I don’t know. Anyway, the fact that she’s been kidnapped
pisses Kelly off and he tells them that he’ll look into it. He tells these guys
to make sure his car is there waiting for him when he arrives in California or
wherever it’s supposed to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, I bring that up because you can tell that a lot of the budget
went into this car because there’s a really un-eventful car chase where there’s
not even any wheel banging or anything like that. Kelly’s car is tricked out
with some James Bond like gadgets because he flips this switch which bursts
these other guys’ car tyres and they fall down this ditch and their car
explodes for like no reason. When this is over and he’s probably forgotten
about it because he’s a sociopath, Kelly pulls up outside his hotel and has the
good grace to not just leave his car too many spaces in front of the next
parked car like you’d think he would. You can tell by this point that Kelly’s
character doesn’t have much respect for authority (or humanity in general) by
the way that he spoke to Farnsworth and Pines earlier and the way that he’s a
selfish asshole but it’s nice to know that he respects common courtesy amongst
drivers. I have to say that at this point, when Kelly is in his room, that this
is the only time that we see Kelly doing anything with a Samurai sword until
the end of the movie where he uses one to cut a character free from some rope.
We also get to see him using some nun-chucks and they use the same sound
effects they used in Enter the Dragon when Bruce is using them. When he’s
finished his exercises, he starts to meditate but as soon as he does
this, a gun barrel appears at his head and there’s this midget and another guy
in his room saying they’re going to kill his ass. How the fuck they got into
the room, I don’t know but the midget says that he enjoyed watching him
practice which is weird. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'My partner and I enjoyed watching you. Not in a gay way though because fuck you, you can't prove anything'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly takes these dudes out by shooting the midget in
the head and throwing the other guy out of a window. Pines shows up as soon as
all the fighting’s done and tells him that Janicot is having a party later and
he’s got Kelly an invitation. Kelly makes a couple of comments to Pines which suggests that he doesn't trust him too much
which doesn’t make any sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So then we get to see the party that’s being held at
Janicot’s place. It’s kind of weird when you first join the party because
there’s a mariachi band playing and there’s a vulture just hanging out on this
balcony above them. It looks like it might be some sort of festival at first
glance and it’s really difficult to tell that it’s a party because everyone
there is dressed differently. All the guests are wearing all these different
styles of clothes and some of them don’t look like the kind of people this
asshole would associate with. Some of them just look like tourists and it’s not
until Janicot and Chavez show up that you realise that this is his party and
he’ll vulture mariachi if he wants to. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t know why there’s a mariachi band
at the party. Maybe they were part of a package deal with the vulture. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I guess he's like security or something</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the
mariachi band has stopped playing, this chick starts dancing for everyone and
taking her clothes off but she never gets naked. She’s wearing like two pairs
of pants and two bras and she seems really out of place, like this guy couldn’t
afford to have a girl dancing on every table. It’s just really awkward and I
can’t imagine that I’d have stuck around for much longer if I was at that
party. Plus, the room looks really small. Like it’s being held in a wine cellar
or something.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, Kelly turns up and
is immediately accosted at the door by one of the guys from the car at the
start of the movie. This guy has a Village People moustache and is wearing the
same vest that he had on earlier. Chavez is wearing a suit now but still hasn’t
washed his hair and the other guy from the car at the start (called Bone) has
come dressed as a Buccaneer. Kelly twists this dude's arm and shows him his
invitation before letting him go and mingling with the other party guests. At
this point, that Synne woman starts chatting to Kelly and flirting with him.
Kelly introduces himself as Joe somebody or other and plays up to all the
flirting. When Synne tries to introduce him to Janicot, this dude already knows
that he’s an agent for D.R.A.G.O.N because he calls him by his code name and
everything. This all seems a bit stupid and it’s like those moments in a Bond movie
where everyone knows who he really is and you wonder why he bothered with a
fake name in the first place. Kelly tries to leave but Janicot tells Buccaneer Bone to stop him. There’s a rooftop fight with more fucking midgets and
some other guys and Kelly gets away. Jim Kelly really likes punching people in
the dick which I can’t deny is effective but seems odd. He takes out at least
five people in this movie by punching them in the dick and he even calls one of
them a ‘whiny faggot’ which seems harsh.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8gls6UcSgmLJyNjbFtgJRJImvG-PsfJjfyc27vbOdWp40FiR78rFxzFMDBuXlb1HlJ4JJT9xJDaqpUpYTcxW5HJXbCbEvrWoQ8uIpZkFLucekQ46puBIJTsanyxxUXJw-PFBFcH0XHdG/s1600/Dick+Punch.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8gls6UcSgmLJyNjbFtgJRJImvG-PsfJjfyc27vbOdWp40FiR78rFxzFMDBuXlb1HlJ4JJT9xJDaqpUpYTcxW5HJXbCbEvrWoQ8uIpZkFLucekQ46puBIJTsanyxxUXJw-PFBFcH0XHdG/s320/Dick+Punch.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">'DICK PUNCH, SUCKAAAAA!!!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Janicot is seriously pissed with his guys for letting
Kelly get away and he makes Buccaneer Bone and Village People throw this guy
who just had the misfortune of turning up to the de-briefing into a cell to
make an example of him. You don’t know what’s in there until the end but during
this scene it doesn't sound too cool. Right after this, Janicot accuses Synne
of being attracted to Kelly which is weird but then tells her that he’s looking
forward to a good game of cat and mouse with him so you’re left wondering why
he throws that guy in the cell in the first place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After some really uncomfortable scenes with Chavez trying to
get his rape on with Toki, Kelly confronts Pines, saying that he’s been set up
and that Janicot has a someone on the inside helping him out because he was expecting
Kelly at the party. Pines literally hasn't a fucking clue what Kelly is talking
about and it doesn't even occur to Kelly that Village People knew he was coming to the party because he was the guy that escaped from the hotel room earlier on but Pines acts pretty cool about it all. He doesn't lose his shit with Kelly
or anything but w</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">hen you're dealing with a dangerous lunatic like Kelly is in this movie, it's probably the best thing to do</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. Kelly basically tells him that he’s going to get to the bottom of
this bullshit and drives off towards Chavez's house. Then, a load of other guys try to run him off the
road in his car and he beats them down. There are no midgets in this fight but
it’s pretty cool anyway. Next, Kelly calls D.R.A.G.O.N and tells them that he
needs to get to Chavez’s house and he needs a boat and a jet pack which is the
most ostentatious, dick headed mode of transport he could think of seen as though driving there went so horribly wrong the first time. When
Kelly’s on the boat, he’s talking to someone but you never see anyone else on
the boat so this could all just be voices in his clearly disturbed and
aggressive mind. He lands somewhere near the grounds and is confronted by
ANOTHER fucking midget who’s wearing a ten-gallon hat and who tells him that
he’s under orders to bring Kelly in. Suddenly, Kelly is attacked by Zulu warriors
and he gets into a fight with them.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly
manages to kick a couple to the ground but he throws one of the Zulu’s into this
pond and because he’s a violent, schizophrenic nut box, homicidal rage over
takes him and he drops a fucking huge rock on the guy’s head. For the briefest
moment, you can see in Kelly’s eyes that he’s pondering the same question
that’s going through your head; ‘why the fuck did you just throw a rock at that
dude’s head? You have serious fucking problems, pal’</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB9ewAVktAD4wpgeYdMcrToIYzV0GUlwTBIFdg0QQljaHr7xlW8yPsj2-CC6KTQxdQCCoGLQNsy11_eUByVR5eAAp-BtgxwkV8odmJMWp7WCBv2AvWu9pKo3whoxSwrG9hUuQvkr2JFJ5z/s1600/Rock+Head.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB9ewAVktAD4wpgeYdMcrToIYzV0GUlwTBIFdg0QQljaHr7xlW8yPsj2-CC6KTQxdQCCoGLQNsy11_eUByVR5eAAp-BtgxwkV8odmJMWp7WCBv2AvWu9pKo3whoxSwrG9hUuQvkr2JFJ5z/s320/Rock+Head.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">...yeah</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We return to Kelly in his car and it’s night time so he’s
probably been driving for a long time and not giving a shit about the fact that
he’s just murdered a guy for no reason. He uses his car-phone to call Pines but
he thinks it’s all a crock of shit and this guy is definitely setting him up
for a fall. Kelly’s really condescending and clearly suffering from paranoid
delusions because he genuinely has no reason to be this suspicious of Pines.
What you find out is that Chavez, Village People and Buccaneer Bone have a gun
to Pines’ head and they’re making him tell Kelly to come to Janicot’s place so
they can fuck him up. Kelly gets a call from D.R.A.G.O.N telling him that the
local authorities want to know what the fuck happened at Chavez’s villa and why
there’s a dead Zulu floating belly up in a pond. Kelly doesn't give a shit.
Like, not even the tiniest nugget of a shit. He even says ‘So what?’ with all
this fucking attitude in his voice and D.R.A.G.O.N just back off probably
thinking that it’s better to have a psychopath like this on-side rather than
not and tell him that they’ll handle it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, while all this is going on, Janicot has decided that he doesn't care for Chavez’s attitude anymore (don’t look to me for answers
because I haven’t a fucking clue) and has decided to kill his ass. Janicot is
holding some sort of satanic ritual back at his place and the vulture shows up
again so it’s obvious now that he didn’t just order that vulture for the party
and that this is his own, personal vulture. There’s all this tribal dancing
going on with dudes in masks and then this white chick comes out and starts
dancing. I don’t think it’s the party stripper from earlier because she has
different coloured hair. However, Janicot did say earlier that the party stripper girl can earn up to
$500 a night so I guess he’s getting his money’s worth if all she did before
was dance a bit and take off two pairs of lingerie before all hell broke loose. She probably had to provide her own hair dye, though. Kelly sees what’s going on and decides to come in through the building. Next,
we see Chavez walking into Synne’s room while she’s getting ready for bed and
just like earlier on, he’s trying to get laid in the stupidest way possible.
Kelly catches him doing this and beats the shit out of him while Chavez holds a
flick knife in one hand and his jacket in the other, like it has his phone and
his keys in and shit and he doesn’t want to lose them during a fight which he’s
not confident he can win. Either that or it’s a loaner and he doesn't want to
get it creased. Synne is really grateful that Kelly’s helped her out and offers
to repay him in titties. Kelly isn't interested; he just wants to know where
his girlfriend is.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMx3grrYr-B9NYRyYDSchOSbjn09vQn_VzXrh_BccBeFzBVKVPlftovQfHqubK3YVl5n842dSp8_VZXeEs-3_K7iSCJ8qL-XrSwikoe1HX18pxVYtxzd_W2uP7I2DMBIrq_bzVWx0GCaAo/s1600/Titties.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMx3grrYr-B9NYRyYDSchOSbjn09vQn_VzXrh_BccBeFzBVKVPlftovQfHqubK3YVl5n842dSp8_VZXeEs-3_K7iSCJ8qL-XrSwikoe1HX18pxVYtxzd_W2uP7I2DMBIrq_bzVWx0GCaAo/s320/Titties.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;">'Do you accept Vag-isa?'</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eventually, Synne tells him that she’s in the tall tower
which seems kind of obvious when you think about it. While this is going on,
Chavez has escaped the room. Now, I know what you’re thinking but don’t worry
SPOILERS he takes the jacket. Chavez gets into his car and he’s driving away
and suddenly his car explodes with him inside. I like to think the bomb was in
the jacket and if he’s just left it in Synne’s room, this film could have been
over a lot sooner. Kelly finds Toki and they try to make an escape, only to be
stopped by a load of Janicot’s men. They’re then tied to these pillars along
with Pines and Janicot is planning to make them a sacrifice or something. He
tells them that Synne will be executing them and she appears in all this High
Priestess regalia but she fucks about too much and it gives Kelly time to get
this exploding pen thing out of his trousers to free himself and the others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihHDTrveES7dYsZY2tiGMqNzRJzdI8kvpHUWKt0-lvoaHoWpfsMyyZCZzF-NK9tfPdU6uYJSS1j8qWrZ3OGEhgW3fybanOlC-jDEXzDYeuG2mt74kbisQYx0kerG3EUwwC6Y-umPgmU10A/s1600/Ass+Pen.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihHDTrveES7dYsZY2tiGMqNzRJzdI8kvpHUWKt0-lvoaHoWpfsMyyZCZzF-NK9tfPdU6uYJSS1j8qWrZ3OGEhgW3fybanOlC-jDEXzDYeuG2mt74kbisQYx0kerG3EUwwC6Y-umPgmU10A/s320/Ass+Pen.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">How...how have you kept this in your waistband all along?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Toki goes to take on Synne and shows some basic Kung Fu
skill but you wonder why she didn't help those pool boys at the start of the
movie because she totally could of. I guess she wasn’t interested in coming to
the rescue of the help. When she finally kills Synne, Synne sounds like a
banshee and it’s pretty creepy. Pines gets to do some fighting as well but he
seems to just take over on midget punching duties, leaving the full grown men
to Kelly. Although in Kelly’s tortured, labyrinthine mind, they’re probably all
manifesting themselves as 6ft tall screaming unicorns with guns for hooves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">During Kelly’s final fight with Buccaneer Bone, the dubbing
is really poor and makes the fight really confusing. You’re left thinking that
they must be communicating psychically with one another as they exchange
generic insults like ‘chump’ and ‘sissy’ because literally, neither of their
mouths is moving during the entire fight. Kelly breaks the guys back and
casually declares that the guy will never walk again. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly's pretty much fought his way through all the henchman they could afford for this movie by this point and his final battle remains to be had with Janicot himself but before he can do this, Janicot unleashes the power of Vultron (that's the vulture) on him. Kelly dispatches Vultron in an uncharacteristic display of leniency by just punching Vultron out. Janicot notices that this avian ace in the hole was probably a really stupid idea and runs off into the tunnels beneath the house. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwiQxd38T5Fj16-dpnss5aA3Kg53MvMyyNyQUJw-myTG47_hYgulgl_j0-xU-eT4uJHGq1q3Eou-RrvnznflmlLKnd7Svk7k9HDLhEDwtaGdWw87empG9eXaVmwpocBkYbKUCZ167h3ng/s1600/Vultron+Strikes.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwiQxd38T5Fj16-dpnss5aA3Kg53MvMyyNyQUJw-myTG47_hYgulgl_j0-xU-eT4uJHGq1q3Eou-RrvnznflmlLKnd7Svk7k9HDLhEDwtaGdWw87empG9eXaVmwpocBkYbKUCZ167h3ng/s320/Vultron+Strikes.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Tonight on CBS: 'When Semi-Se</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ntient Satanic Cult Vultures Attack'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After a bit of running around in the tunnels, Janicot tricks Kelly into walking into
that cell from earlier on in the film.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> You find out that all this room has in
it are snakes. This is really fucking retarded because the door to this cell
isn’t like a solid wood door or steel or anything, it’s a fucking door with
bars on it which snakes could easily escape through. You’re left questioning
everything once you’ve seen this. Anyway, Kelly kind of puts this one
rattlesnake into a trance and then pulls this mini flamethrower gadget from his
concealed gadget waistband and he scares the snakes away. Then he burns through
the lock to the door and starts chasing after Janicot again. Janicot is hiding
around a corner and tries to bury an axe into Kelly but Kelly grabs the axe
from him and threatens to kill Janicot with it while punching him in the face.
He picks Janicot up and explains to him that, of all the options open to him at
this point in time, he’s going to take him to the retarded snake room and lock
him in there. If you’re the kind of person who treats death by axe or death by
snakes as anything resembling a choice, you should seek professional help.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgoOZvuiq-oFTcG_pkeNuBwI46-SSExaGqYyoH4wusIJhcMxlzfGTqPypOKbyOzpC1vK61E61I1Gl2IPYziCHQx6FD9daDA59jZRicXuO4PgdrAtq3DTUu6WeL6FqEcxu-wejF_kz-xKFe/s1600/Finale.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgoOZvuiq-oFTcG_pkeNuBwI46-SSExaGqYyoH4wusIJhcMxlzfGTqPypOKbyOzpC1vK61E61I1Gl2IPYziCHQx6FD9daDA59jZRicXuO4PgdrAtq3DTUu6WeL6FqEcxu-wejF_kz-xKFe/s320/Finale.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">'Snake or axe, sucka?! Either way, I just want you to know I am ROCK hard right now'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kelly does this and just walks away while Janicot’s screams echo through the
catacombs (a potent symbol of his own madness? You decide. I’m deciding ‘yes’).
Outside of the tunnels, he bumps into Pines and Toki. Pines explains that the
rest of Janicot’s men got sick of having their asses handed to them and fucked
off. Kelly says ‘Well, I guess that’s it then’ and they leave. Credits roll. Just another
day at the office for your average American secret agent psychopath.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, yeah this movie is pretty fucked up and Kelly’s
character really is a complete fucking chode. Some of the action sequences are
pretty good and I’d be lying if I said that this wasn't entertaining as shit. It wasn't until I’d watched this movie through a few times that I began thinking
to myself that maybe there were no midgets or Zulu warriors. Maybe there was
never any mission to retrieve a kidnapped girl. It was all in his mind this
entire time. For sure, the plot holes and inconsistencies could be explained off
as a result of Kelly’s brain damaged nightmares and it makes sense to think
that if I were a Kung Fu obsessed egomaniac who needed constant supervision and
professional care, this is the kind of life I’d want for myself, too. So, anyway you
can pick this up of Amazon for £9.99 or torrent it. And as for the
asshole/insanity points tally, I lost count round about the time he started
talking to himself on a boat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Follow me on Twitter!</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> (Please) @exploitmovie</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>HASH TAG THIS BITCH!</b> #jimkelly #blacksamurai #exploitationmoviereview #dickpunch</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7078831991309573855.post-6221043046347464452013-04-07T16:43:00.000+01:002013-09-30T01:02:15.828+01:00Welcome to The Exploitation Movie Review<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'd say that exploitation cinema is pretty much my favourite genre of movie film making. Good exploitation cinema is a delicate eco-system (if in that eco-system nothing has evolved for the last thousand years) and it requires just the right conditions to make it work. It's often a combination of four things; ambitious but poor writing staff, knowledgeable but incompetent editing staff, committed but desperate acting talent and zero money. Put those four things together, add midgets, Nazi's, the occult, midget Nazi occultists and you should have yourself a movie. I'm not beyond the notion that all the blood, sweat and tears that go into these productions act simply as good beer and pizza night fodder but there's also a comforting sense of familiarity within them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know. I'm not a fucking poet or anything and pulling feelings out of my ass isn't my strong suit. I just like them and given that I spend at least 86% of my time watching them (citation needed), I thought I might as well write something about them. I'm planning on uploading a new review every week but occasionally may have to do them fortnightly or even a longer stretch of time (I work full time and you wouldn't believe the shit that goes into making these things 'just right') so please be patient with me and keep checking back for updates. These reviews are pretty fucking long but I figured that if I'm only doing one a week or one every two weeks, you should get a decent read out of them. Plus, I like to go in depth with this genre and there's always a stack of things to talk about. Think of it like Mystery Science Theatre or something.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It'd </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">be pretty cool if you could help me promote the site and get the name out there so please recommend me to your friends/enemies (even if you, the person reading this right now, don't like what I'm doing it'd still be sick as tits if you could spread the word for me).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thanks for your time, everyone!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Follow me on Twitter!</b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> (Please) @exploitmovie</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>HASHTAG THIS BITCH! </b>#exploitationmoviereview</span>Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06285028890338588396noreply@blogger.com0