This movie starts in 1973 and the Vietnam war has come to an end. A load of tanks and shit are making their way through the jungle to find marines that are stationed there. This Colonel dude is making his way towards an encampment and he walks into this hut where we meet some of the film's main protagonists. There's Santos, who ends up being the driving force of this film's plot, Eastland (played by the late Steve James), Frank Bruce (played by Michael Ironside) who's a genuinely confusing character as he's a borderline psychotic and definite shit-head, Gil (played by Thom G Waites who you'll recognise from John Carpenter's 'The Thing') and Dalton who seems to be an all round nice guy. Plus he's a doctor. So, this Colonel guy is in their encampment and he starts giving these guys a load of shit because he walked right in on them while they're all reading and just hanging out and he didn't encounter any kind of perimeter security or anything. It's difficult to understand why he's giving them this amount of shit because he's come to tell them that the war is over but that's his job, I guess. So, after he tells them that the war is over, they all get on board this helicopter and start to make their way out of the jungle. It's worth noting that, at this point, it's literally just some of the main protagonists. McBain is nowhere to be fucking seen, here. While the marines are making their way out of Vietnam, they're shot at by this V.C soldier and they spot all these bamboo cages and shit which they decide to take a look at.
Down below at the V.C camp, we finally meet McBain plus some other G.I's and they're being led into these bamboo cages by what looks like a fat, Vietnamese Rambo and a tonne of V.C soldiers. Walken has sensible hair in this scene so you know he hasn't quite lost his shit just yet but that'll change later on. While this is going on, all of our guys from before are doing some recon and working out which is the best way to kill these ass-holes and set these other G.I's free. McBain is put inside a bamboo cage along with Fat Rambo and they start to fight. McBain is having his ass handed to him to begin with but then our guys from before start to attack the camp. There's this V.C General who's also inside the bamboo cage and he throws a knife into the ground so that Fat Rambo can stab McBain to pieces but when an explosion distracts him, McBain gets the drop on Fat Rambo and throws the knife into the V.C General's chest. The helicopter from before makes an over-head pass and starts firing fuck into the V.C camp which is pretty irresponsible considering that they've got well over fifteen friendly troops on the ground and this pilot hasn't done a single bit of recon to know that he's shooting at the right dudes. Asshole. Still, his blood lust seems to be do the trick and all the V.C troops are taken out. McBain starts to exit the bamboo cage when Fat Rambo gets up, takes the knife out of his commanding officer's chest and makes a lunge for McBain. Santos spots this shit from a mile off, tells McBain to get down and caps that Stallone looking mother fucker. McBain tells Santos that he owes him one so Santos tears a $100 bill in half and tells him that if the other half of this bill finds him, he can repay the favour. I'm not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. There's no significance in it being a $100 bill. It could have been a $1 or $5 bill because that seems more affordable but $100? Guy's too rich to be fighting in 'Nam.
Stand this guy next to Richard Crenna and 9 out of 10 times, he won't notice it's not Stallone
Cut to 18 years later and we're in Columbia. Santos and some armed guys are walking into a village. No one seems to give a shit that there are a bunch of armed guys strolling through their village so I'm led to believe from this that they're probably friendly. Santos makes his way into one of the huts in the village and is greeted by a woman, Christina, his sister. Santos and Christina have a strange relationship if you ask me and you'd be forgiven for thinking that they're going out but they're not. They're honestly brother and sister. I don't have a sister so I don't know what would be classed as inappropriate but to me, this is pretty fucked up. They don't kiss or anything but as far as I'm concerned, face touching is a prelude to sexy time. Anyway, Santos tells Christina that he's going to go ahead with something massively important. He doesn't say what, though. This is a major problem with this fucking movie; character's explain what they're doing in riddles. The only clue I had that Santos was a revolutionary (before all the revolution happens in a short while - that shit is a DEAD giveaway) is that he's wearing a beret. Oh and you can tell he's supposed to be older now because he's wearing glasses, as well. He tells Christina that if this operation goes to shit, she should get in touch with a guy called Bobby McBain who lives in New York and works in construction. He gives her the other half of the $100 bill, the name of his company and the telephone number for his union which seems like a lot of details to have on someone you haven't spoken to in 18 years. I mean, people change jobs all the time and I doubt Santos has access to a phone in this shit hole village so how has he kept abreast of what McBain is up to? Anyway, Santos tools up and leaves the village on his way somewhere (at this point, you literally have no idea what he's doing because there's been no expository dialogue or anything) while all the kids in the village cheer him and his men on. You can tell they're good guys because the kids love them.
Next, we're in Bogota (I only know this because later on, you have to glance at a T.V screen to find out where the fuck it is which is annoying because this film has been pretty keen with it's hard coded location subtitles, so far) and a big-ass limo pulls up outside what looks like an embassy but is in fact, El Presidente's house palace. A guard at the gate stops the car and asks the driver what he wants. The driver tells him that he has whores in the back for El Presidente and he should be let through. The guard gives him a knowing little nod and a cheeky smile and lets him through with his slutty cargo. Once inside, another guard stops the car and asks what's going on. The driver informs him of the sexy transaction that's about to take place and he lets them in but OH SHIT the driver isn't really a limo driver. He's one of Santos' men and so are the whores! They cap this guard so that Santos and some other guys can get out of the trunk of the car and they all make their way into the building. It's pretty clear what's happening now...except it isn't. There are no subtitles in this scene and your only clue to where they are is the word 'El Presidente' and all the Carry-On nods and smiles concerning the sexy chicks.
'Hi, ladies. Can I see some I.D? Ha-ha, only joking. Just show me your tits'
Inside the building, El Presidente is filming a speech to the Columbian people and you just instinctively know that this guy is a fucking douche box. Meanwhile, Santos and his guys are making steady progress through the house. They come across this hatch in the ceiling which has a set of ladders leading up to it. One of the whores from before who still hasn't changed out of her heels climbs up the ladder and opens the hatch and is greeted by the sight of El Presidente's crotch. She starts unzipping his fly and puts a knife to his balls. El Presidente gets a look on his face like he's used to filming important statements to his people whilst being blown when all of a sudden, Santos and some of his guys burst into the room where the filming is going on and take over the recording. Santos makes a public plea for the U.S to get involved or else he's pretty much fucked. Immediately after this, in the next scene, we see a car carrying some government looking types to this harbour where they board a speedboat and make their way to this little lakeside cabin which I think is supposed to be Camp David or something. There's an old looking guy doing some fishing in this river when he sees the speedboat coming into view and he doesn't look happy that these government men are fucking up his chances of catching some bitching bass.
Inside the cabin, we learn that the old guy who was doing some fishing is the President of the U.S and he's being told about what's happening in Colombia. His advisors are telling him that Santos has acted without any kind of word from the U.S so they don't know why the fuck he's thinking they're going to come and help out. Santos seems like a fairly straight-up dude so I guess he's wondering why they wouldn't come and help. But if we're going to learn anything from this movie, it's that unless it's called 'McBain', it's not coming to help you. Some of the President's advisors seem to think that a rogue CIA agent probably told Santos that he would be guaranteed help but this seems like a really shitty joke, to me; 'Yeah, sure we'll help with your coup. I've got a buddy who can totally help you out with that'. So, the President is told that the U.S can't help because they'll be too busy preparing graphs which seems like bureaucracy gone mad if you ask me. Just send some dudes to help out and chill that situation out. Man, this President is a dick. So, back in Colombia, everything is going to hell. Santos is panicking, no one's coming to help and the army are starting to take Colombian citizens off the street and force them between these tanks where they'll be crushed. Santos can't bear to see this happen so he hands his gun over to El Presidente who promptly shoots Santos in the head on live TV for daring to be a decent guy and not getting blown whenever he's making public addresses.
'Son, this is the expression you'll wear at some point in your life, for a wide variety of reasons. Most of them will involve your penis'
Back in the States, the President is watching events unfold on the news, as is McBain but they're not in the same place or anything. McBain's in this shitty looking cafeteria and the President is still at Camp David. You can't blame McBain for watching this happen because he doesn't know a damn thing about what's going on but the President can't be excused for this shit. He's literally watching Santos get his brains blown out on television while sipping tea. Interestingly, you never see the President again. I guess this is none too subtle hint that you can't trust your government to not sit back and drink tea when you're about to get your head blown off. It's a problem we face all the time. I can totally get behind that. Anyway, McBain recognises Santos getting his brain relocated and starts thumbing through his wallet and finds his half of the $100 bill but it takes him a while to find it which is kind of embarrassing. Back in Colombia, Christina is being given some cash and some other shit by the villagers and sent on her way to the U.S on the back of a donkey. I don't think she goes the whole way on the donkey or anything. She probably catches a plane at some stage because that's a long journey for a donkey. It's not clear whether the donkey goes with her to the States or not. I got kind of concerned because it's a nice donkey. Anyway, she manages to find McBain and presents him with the other half of the bill. McBain tells her that he's been expecting her and they go for a drink at the shitty cafe where McBain tells her a story about the time that he went to Woodstock. This whole section is a little confusing to me. It seems like Christina is telling McBain a very heartfelt story about her brother and the situation in Colombia and McBain can only think to tell her a story about the kick ass time he had at Woodstock. There's probably some historical reference I'm missing here but fuck learning. I don't watch a commando movie to fucking learn. And oh yeah, McBain now has the crazy Walken hair we're all used to seeing. Whether this is a trick to show us that time has passed or not, I don't know. I think the subtitle saying '18 years later' was plenty of notice. So, McBain says that the poultry sum that Christina assembled in the village is bullshit and quite clearly not enough to stage a violent take down in Colombia so he starts to make some phone calls.
The next scene is where we get to catch up with Gil, Eastland and Dalton. Gil is a police officer, Dalton is a surgeon and Eastland is working as a security guard for the head of this shitty corporation that looks like it's exploiting people. Each one of them is shown displaying their intrinsic strengths as characters with Gil mourning the loss of his partner, Dalton frantically trying to save a dying man's life and Eastland letting someone punch fuck into this guy he's supposed to be protecting. Again, it's none too subtle with its messages. I don't know who McBain is calling, by the way. It's obviously these guys but not one of them is near a phone when he's making these calls. The only one who can be contacted at all is Eastland, who has a pager. I guess this makes sense in a way because by the next scene, it's only McBain, Eastland and Christina who have met up to visit Frank Bruce but fuck this movie. I'm not going to let it out-logic me. So, anyway they meet up with Bruce who's now bizarrely wealthy but the film never explains how. He's got fancy looking art hanging up on the walls and a woman swimming in an indoor pool. McBain even mentions that Bruce has four Ferrari's but still calls him out when Bruce doesn't seem interested in joining McBain and his guys in avenging Santos. McBain berates him for being a wet bitch before they leave. Bruce offers McBain some cut price offers on plane transportation to Colombia, though but this seems shitty when you consider that they were all supposed to be friends.
That's not a regular height that someone's waistband should be. Seriously, almost two thirds of his body is trouser.
McBain and Christina have another heart to heart and McBain reassures her that they'll come to Colombia and kill this piece of shit President. McBain tells her to go back to Colombia while he rustles up some cash. McBain goes back to his house where Gil, Eastland and Dalton have stayed the night. They all agree that their defining purposes in life now is to kill the shit out of this El Presidente joker and they agree on a strategy to come up with the cash considering Bruce is being such an asshole about it all. The next scene is this pretty cool take down of this slum building which is being used to sell drugs. McBain and his guys fancy some of the action that's going on in the building so they bust in and start taking out some of the lower level guards while up above, their leader, played by Luiz Guzman, is counting money and sorting out levels of drugs and all that shit. McBain and his boys burst in and immediately shoot this one guy through a window which looks fucking sick, I won't lie. This movie has really schizophrenic levels of violence ranging from sub-standard action fare violence that we're all used to seeing in these types of pictures to really over-the-top, exploding squibs and guys getting pulled out of buildings on wires to simulate the power of a shot gun blast. All the time this is going on, Walken's waistband is getting higher and higher. I think it feeds off the carnage. So, McBain and his guys pull guns on Luiz Guzman who doesn't give a fuck. He knows this game like the back of his hand. Gil makes some comment about the drug guys that they've already wasted and how they sell drugs to kids and they're all pieces of shit. Guzman responds by saying that these guys wouldn't be able to work for minimum wage and that he pays them $200 a day. He also says that they don't sell drugs to kids, just tourists from New Jersey. Basically, Guzman makes a pretty good case for being a drug dealer and the whole scene becomes a bit embarrassing. I don't think this was intentional but that's how it comes across. Guzman goes onto say that the real money is in the hands of the mob and they should go and visit them. McBain steals a hat and sunglasses off this one drug guy that they've killed, asks Guzman this really strange question about his shirt and then leaves. Seriously, he asks him about his shirt.
In the next scene, it's night time and three well dressed guys are walking out of a restaurant and discussing shit loudly and waiting for an attendant to bring round their car. The next thing we see is this garbage truck smashing into their car and McBain and his guys knock two of the suits out and hi-jack the other other. Next thing you know, McBain and his buddies have tied this guy to a chair and then tied the chair to this winch and they're dangling him over the edge of a building. Things get weirder when McBain, now in his stolen hat and sunglasses, adopts this accent which I can't make out where the fuck it's supposed to be from and starts telling this mob boss that it's collection time and he wants $10 million transferred to a Swiss bank account. This entire scene is fucking stupid for a number of reasons; firstly, Chris Walken has three defining characteristics which make him scary. These are, in order, his voice, his hair and his eyes but he goes and fucking covers each one of them up throughout this entire scene. Secondly, after he's concluded his meeting with the mob boss and he tells him to deposit $10 million in a Swiss bank account, McBain and his buddies just up and fucking leave this guy hanging from a winch above the city. No one knows this guy's hanging there. His men don't know he's there, his wife doesn't know he's there. Literally no one knows that this guy is hanging from a winch above New York City. I was under the impression that time is of paramount importance to this operation being successful so you'd think it would be prudent to, say, let the guy down so he can call his bank and have the money transferred. Thirdly, no one else in the gang is bothering with a disguise. Just McBain. Gil has some sunglasses on but I think they were just part of his outfit from the start of the day and I guess now that McBain is wearing sunglasses, Gil doesn't have to feel like such a prick wearing them on an overcast day. The whole thing is dumb as shit.
I'll commend Gil for not going 'double-denim' on us here. That's a tough look to pull off
Loaded up with their drug money (you'd hope), McBain and the gang now need to arrange themselves some transport so they opt to steal one of this Mob guys' planes which ships drugs to the U.S. Meanwhile, in Colombia, Christina is explaining to a load of freedom fighters that they need to clear an airstrip that the Colombian army are guarding or else McBain and the dudes won't be able to land. This airstrip is also the site of a drugs factory which a dude called Escobar owns. Jump back to New York (seriously, this shit's all over the place) and Bruce has met up with McBain again. I don't know why he's there, in all honesty. The last we saw of this guy, he was arranging some flight into Colombia for McBain but that was it. He made his intentions pretty clear and to all intents and purposes, Bruce was no longer part of the equation. I don't know. He's an asshole. This movie is an asshole. Still, Bruce explains that he's got this computer software that can tap into spy satellites and then he asks McBain if he can come along. There's no concession made to soul searching or anything, he literally just asks if he can come. He doesn't make any grand statements about avenging Santos or even liberating Colombia from an oppressive asshole regime, he just wants to come along. This signifies the one and only time in Michael Ironside's cinematic history that his borderline psychosis and rampant blood lust is implied rather than explicitly demonstrated. McBain and the bunch board their plane and set off for Colombia.
We take a quick trip to Colombia where Christina and her fighters are beginning their raid on the air strip so that McBain and co. can land. There's some pretty visceral combat footage which once again proves that if this film were a child, the little bastard would be on enough Ritalin to kill an Ox. On board the stolen mob plane, everything seems to be going ok until some pilots from the Colombian Air Force spot their plane. Bruce radios a pilot friend of his who's escorting their weapons into Colombia and asks them him to come and help out with these three Colombian fighters. Bruce tells McBain that this pilot is the son of a guy who died in Vietnam so he's prepared to break international law and potentially start a war for the right price. So, one of the Colombian pilots flies up alongside McBain's plane and orders them to set down. There then follows a bizarre series of events which kicks off with McBain himself shooting one of the pilots of the fighter jets with a pistol. Through two cockpit windows. At an unspecified altitude. Lets just say their altitude is 'really fucking high up'. It's crazy. Next up, Bruce's pilot friend engages the remaining two Colombian fighters and a bit of a dog-fight ensues. The Colombian pilots fire missiles at our American guy and he has to try and fuck them by flying as high as he can so that the missiles burn out.
This dogfight is pretty good and it momentarily distracts you from this laden piece of shit movie but the harmony is disrupted when it becomes apparent that the the American pilot sounds like he's getting head inside the cockpit. Seriously, listen out for it. It's really uncomfortable. With his balls emptied, our American pilot fires on the remaining Colombian fighters and destroys them.
EXECUTIVE
RELIEF
ON
Now that the aerial combat has finished, McBain orders this American pilot to go and help out Christina and her band of freedom fighters who, to be fair, are having a hard time. There's this one guy who runs up to a tank, puts a grenade down the barrel of its cannon and leaves his hand stuck in there. This is possibly to stop the tank from firing the grenade back out but this really isn't how science works. Shame no one told this little guy about that. With all the guys down below taken out, it's safe for McBain and everyone else to land. Some of the Colombian army guys are still alive and their General or whatever runs away like a cowardly piece of shit to inform El Presidente that there's some bad mother fuckers coming his way. With the group re-assembled, they start to put their plan into operation and make their way to Bogota to kick some ass. The American pilot asks if he can stick around and help out so McBain lets him. They'll probably need a throwaway character to sacrifice later on, anyway.
You've got literally nothing to look this smug about, asshole. Who even are you?!
In the next scene, Blond Escobar is attacking Christina's village for some reason.They fire some rockets and blow some stuff up and then leave. I really don't know why he does this. Anyway, McBain and some of his boys (there's been no mention of them splitting up or anything) show up to help out and Dalton saves a little girl's life. Dalton asks to stay behind and McBain tells him that he can hook up with Christina and Eastland somewhere else (thanks for letting me know, movie). So, Eastland, Christina and Dalton are outside this TV station and they're planning on hi-jacking the airwaves to send out the message to the Colombian people that El Presidente is a dick and they can all rise up and over-throw him. I was getting pissed at this point because Steve James rears up to karate kick the door down to the TV station but Christina stops him. I haven't seen a massive amount of Steve James movies and this will be rectified forthwith but all I've seen the guy in is this and 'I'm Gonna Git You Sucka' and in both films, I've never even seen this guy throw a fucking punch. Ok, so something good has come out of 'McBain'; it's put me on a righteous path to seek out more Steve James. Anyway, back in the movie and Christina has managed to hi-jack the TV station and she's making the impassioned speech I thought she might have done rather than break in so that she can meet some Colombian TV personalities. Her speech is seen by a shit load of people in Colombia and America and it's pretty inspiring to everyone. Elsewhere, McBain, Gil and our Pilot guy from before have broken into this truck depot which houses oil tankers. They steal one and attach detonators to it so they can drive it through the gates of El Presidente's palace. By the time they get there, the military are waiting for them and they blow out one of the tyres on the truck forcing our pilot guy to keep hold of the wheel. It's curtains for Pilot Guy but McBain makes a jump for it and gets out of the truck before it explodes. I don't know where Gil is but he gets out as well. I'm not sure whether he was in the passenger footwell or hanging onto the back of the tanker but he's ok by the time it explodes. With the gates down, McBain and his revolutionaries can storm the palace. The courtyard fire fight is pretty cool and in keeping with the action set pieces in this film but McBain stands with his legs a little bit too far apart at one moment and it kind of ruins the feel.
He kind of leans back, as well which accentuates the waistband. Oh and his dick. Totally his dick
Back in the U.S, the President is giving a speech about how he's changing the currency of the United States into this red, white and blue shit so that the drug dealers can't get a good exchange rate on their existing dollars, or something. I don't know. This really seems like a bizarre safe-guard policy. I half expected this to be some sort of ruse or a dream sequence but I honestly believe it's a serious plot point. Anyway, both blonde and brunette Escobar are unphased by this because they changed their money into Swiss Franc's so they couldn't give a fuck but they get stopped trying to leave the country by some of Christina's rebels. Back at the palace, McBain and his men are making their way towards El Presidente. McBain doesn't want to go through the main door to El Presidente's room, so he opts to stand on a table and go through this little air vent instead. El Presidente is readying himself for the inevitable shit fest he's got coming to him when all of a sudden, McBain has shaken things up and breaks through the ceiling to El Presidente's room and guns him down. This bothered me for a reason I can't quite explain. I know the movie is trying to show me that McBain is cunning dude and that the element of surprise is on his side but he comes through the celing in almost exactly the same place that the air vent is anyway so it doesn't make sense. It's amazing how much subtle set up is needed in a movie to make it all flow in a way that your brain is subconsciously following. It isn't until you see an uncoordinated piece of shit like this that you realise that. Anyway, McBain stands on the balcony overlooking the courtyard as Christina and the others show up. Everyone's happy, Colombia is free of an oppressive tyrant, Walken's waistband is still uncomfortably high.
So yeah, this film is pretty much a piece of shit and that's my honest appraisal. The first third of this movie is boring as fuck and I had a hard time writing about the rest of it because it was essentially joyless. I don't know why Walken agreed to be in this turd. Ironside, I get. He's a decent actor and everything but you're used to seeing him in pieces of shit like this. Not Walken, though. He's usually in more classy joints. It's difficult to work out what this movie is trying to say; on the one hand it's a none too subtle allegory for ineffectual U.S foreign policy and this stands head and shoulders above any other message it's trying get to get across but on the other, it seems to drop its heavy political message round about 30 minutes in. On paper, the movie is an interesting culmination of ideas; war veterans who are bonded by their experiences, come together to avenge the unjust death of one of their colleagues and overthrow a corrupt South American dictatorship but it never really sticks with one particular train of thought. Perhaps if it had at least partially focused on how war can change a man beyond the point of no return then it may have been a more laudable effort. That and not try and convince me that the U.S Government would make multi-coloured money out of unicorn dreams or whatever it is that they were going to do.
So, yeah sorry it took so long. I promise you won't have to wait as long for the next review.
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